Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Wife's Nagging Jealousy Is Souring Her Sweetheart
DEAR ABBY: I need your advice. In 1995, I married a wonderful man who has been an excellent father to my three sons. I love him with all my heart.
For the past few months, I've been accusing him of cheating on me. He leaves for work early, has been taking showers, shaving and dressing nicely to go to work in a factory. In the past, he hasn't worried about his looks so much.
Every time I say something like, "Lookin' good for her, huh?" he gets mad. He insists he's not fooling around and never would. I have a hard time believing him.
He says I'm pushing him away by accusing him of cheating, but I can't help it. I'm so scared that I'm giving this man my heart and soul, and I'm afraid of the power he holds in his hands to break me.
My self-esteem is on the low side. I've gained some weight and am feeling old. Our sex life is so-so. I'm not very satisfied, and I have been open and direct about telling him what I like. He acts like he doesn't hear me, which also makes me believe he has someone else.
I've never loved any other man like this and would be devastated if there is another woman. Is it me? Please tell me how to get help for this insecurity. -- MISERABLE IN INDIANA
DEAR MISERABLE: Please don't let your insecurities ruin a good marriage. Believe your husband when he says you are pushing him away by accusing him of adultery. For me to doubt his truthfulness, you would have to produce more convincing evidence of "misconduct" than his going to work early, showering and dressing presentably, being a good stepfather to your sons and bringing home a regular paycheck.
You can improve your self-esteem by having a medical checkup and getting back into shape. Joint counseling could help you deal with your irrational jealousy and perhaps improve your sex lives. Get going.
DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for years but have not come across my problem. My husband, "Mark," is afraid to drive.
When we first married 10 years ago, it wasn't such a problem. We lived in the city and the commute wasn't bad. We now have two children, 6 and 3, and I want to move from the city, but we can't unless buses and trains are within walking distance.
Mark took driving lessons and obtained his license. The trainer told him that all he needs is practice, but he's too afraid to get it.
Abby, Mark is 40 years old, and it's only going to be more difficult for both of us as the years go by. My daughter attends private school and dance lessons, both of which I drive her to. Soon our son will be old enough to go to school and participate in sports. I can't split myself in two to provide transportation for both of our children, my husband and our needs. I suggested counseling, but he refused.
Do you have any suggestions? -- DRIVEN CRAZY
DEAR DRIVEN: A phobia is defined as an irrational fear. Your husband is phobic about driving a car. There is medical help available for his problem, but in order to get it, Mark must first have a frank discussion with his doctor. Make an appointment for him, and insist that he keep it.
BROTHERS LEARN HARD LESSON: CHILD SUPPORT ISN'T FOREVER
DEAR ABBY: My father paid my mother child support until my twin brother and I turned 18. Then he quit. He said, "It's time for your mother to support you."
Abby, he doesn't understand how much our mother has done for us. She gave us all her time and enormous moral support after he left.
My brother and are both in college, and it's really hard on our mother. She says that according to the law, since we are now 18, Dad is no longer legally responsible for us, but that law is unfair!
I understand that years ago most kids graduated from high school and went to work, but today it's different. Education is vital.
I don't like seeing Mom work two jobs and make sacrifices while my father and his new wife have a new house, a new boat, a new car and lots of vacations. Dad says his financial responsibility to us is over -- we're adults, and we're on our own. If it weren't for a scholarship, we would be unable to attend college.
Abby, is there a way to get our political leaders to change the law to make fathers pay child support until their children graduate from college? -- IN COLLEGE IN GEORGIA
DEAR IN COLLEGE: Child support laws vary from state to state. In some (not all) states, fathers of college students must continue supporting their children beyond the age of 18. In Georgia, I am told, child support stops when the child reaches majority -- unless an order has been made by a judge that the support continues for the college education. However, even though the original order may go only until the child is 18, the mother and children can petition a judge to amend the order to continue or resume it. Whether or not to order child support through the college years is at the discretion of the judge.
If that approach doesn't work, there's still a way to complete your education without depending on your mother to carry the entire financial load. You could apply for student loans, or extend your education over a longer period by taking fewer classes each semester -- thereby allowing you to hold a job. Many young people work their way through college, and if need be, you can, too. That would also lighten the load on your mother.
DEAR ABBY: I teach elementary art and was explaining to my fifth-graders how to incorporate their experiences into their art. As an example, I showed them an oil painting I had just completed that was inspired by a recent traumatic event. I had been robbed in my home and left bound and gagged. I took pains to describe the various emotions I experienced while waiting helplessly for my husband to return home and untie me. I showed the students how the painting reflected those emotions.
The class listened very intently. When I finished talking, one of my students raised his hand and asked very seriously, "Mrs. K., how did you ever manage to paint that with your hands tied behind your back?" -- BOUND TO KEEP TRYING, NEW HOPE, PA.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
DEAR ABBY: I am an older man in fairly good health. I walk regularly in the early mornings (to avoid the hot Texas sun). My problem is the number of dogs that are allowed to run loose through the streets. I must carry a heavy cane to beat the dogs off my legs at times. Sometimes the owners give me a hard time about that, but it's necessary to keep the dogs from biting me. The owners seem to think the dogs have the right to roam at will and bite anyone they choose.
There are so many dogs in our neighborhood that the back yards look like dog pounds, and the "gifts" the dogs leave on everyone's lawns are disgusting! The owners couldn't care less.
Abby, in my opinion, some of the uncooperative owners should be jailed. What do you think? -- FED UP IN CORPUS CHRISTI
DEAR FED UP: For the sake of the animals as well as pedestrians, it's unconscionable for owners to allow their dogs to run free in their neighborhood. The animals could be injured or killed, and very few neighbors appreciate the "gifts" dogs leave behind. The loose dogs should be reported so that the owners can be notified or cited if they refuse to control their pets. Continue calling until the job is done.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wealthy, successful businessman for a year. I am a working single mother of two who is financially stable and independent. I own my home, have savings and retirement, and have always been sensible with money.
From the beginning he has told me he was attracted to me because I am "down-to-earth, honest, genuine and not materialistic."
We have recently been discussing marriage. I love him, and feel certain about our relationship in every way. However, I am hesitant about marrying him for one reason: He wants a prenuptial agreement. I have told him that I feel it shouts, "I do not trust you," and it makes me feel that he lacks the desire for a lifetime commitment through thick and thin, good and bad, sickness and health. I also feel it hinders the bond of oneness and unity that a Christian marriage is based upon.
Abby, I truly do not want anything he has worked for and have given him my promise on that issue. I am a compromising person, but I feel very strongly about a "pre-nup." May I add that I did not take my first husband "to the cleaners" after 15 years of marriage.
Please advise me. I want my next marriage to be my last. -- OLD-FASHIONED SOUTHERN LADY
DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: Please rethink your position and do not regard his insistence on having a prenuptial agreement as an insult. The purpose of the document is to protect BOTH parties should the unthinkable occur.
DEAR ABBY: "B.J." in Arkansas said she loops the strap of her handbag over her arm and then rests it on the child's seat in a shopping cart. I did that, too, but I didn't take the time to snap all the snaps and zip all the zippers on my handbag.
Someone distracted me, and when I looked away briefly, my wallet was removed from my handbag in a flash. I discovered the wallet was missing when I got to the cash register to pay for my purchases. -- KNOWS BETTER NOW IN SCOTTSDALE
DEAR KNOWS BETTER NOW: Ouch! You learned an expensive lesson. Thank you for warning other shoppers to keep their purses closed.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)