To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Reconciling With Wife Discovers Unexpected Rival
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I recently got back together after a year's separation. I made a lot of mistakes and have been trying hard to make it up to her. We are now getting along better than ever.
There is, however, a terrible, nagging doubt in my mind. In the year that we were separated, my wife became good friends with a lesbian. I would never have suspected anything more than a good friendship existed, except for two reasons: First of all, things between us are great everywhere except in bed. I'm not the most sensitive guy, but her lack of enthusiasm in this department is obvious.
Second, one day last week I was supposed to meet her at her office for lunch. When I arrived, there was a note for me to wait in her office until she returned from a meeting. Being curious about her various projects, I looked through her files. I came across a file with the gay woman's name on it. I couldn't resist. I read through it and was shocked. In the file was a collection of beautiful love letters and poems written by this woman to my wife. Some of the poems were very erotic.
Abby, I can't stop thinking about the possibility that my wife was -- or still is -- lovers with this woman. It's torturing me. Should I confront her with my suspicions or should I keep my mouth shut? -- TORTURED IN OREGON
DEAR TORTURED: Whether you should confront her depends upon how much you want to know. Think the matter through carefully. How will it affect your reconciliation if you confirm that your wife did have a lesbian relationship during your separation, that she is still having one, or that she's bisexual? You will then have to decide if you can accept her as she is, or whether it's back to square one in your marriage -- again facing a split.
Of course, only you can make the decision, but I advise you to proceed with extreme caution.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, but I recently moved 2,000 miles away. We decided to stay together because we really love each other. I know he is the one I want to marry.
The problem is that he says he's going to move here to be with me, but he doesn't know when he will be able to let go of our old hometown. His mother died almost four years ago and is buried in the town cemetery, and he doesn't know if he can leave her.
What should I do? Should I move back to be with him, or wait it out and see how long it will take him to come here? I am very confused. Please help. -- LOST IN ARIZONA
DEAR LOST: Your boyfriend's roots in that town go deeper than his mother. He may be having second thoughts about continuing your relationship. You must decide if he's worth waiting for, or whether you should return home to join him in his graveside vigil.
Talk About Moving Is Cheap for Living Room Freeloader
DEAR ABBY: I have been living in a three-bedroom house with two other guys since May. Last September, one of my roommates ("John") allowed one of his friends to move into our living room. We all agreed it would be only until the end of the month -- less than two weeks away.
"Alan" had been having trouble with the people he was living with and needed to get out before the situation exploded. He said he would move in with a co-worker in a week and a half. Well, that apparently fell through. So have four other "possibilities" he has since told us about. I've talked with my two roommates, and they are also tired of Alan's continuing to "hang out." Yet they do nothing about it.
Abby, I've tried everything I can think of. As the only early riser in the house, I'm usually up by 6 a.m. I have told Alan that it's past time he moved on and have left the "Room for Rent" section of the newspaper open and circled. I've even collected "roommate wanted" information from the bulletin boards at the university I attend. I've blasted my stereo, turned on the TV, left the front door open in the winter air, pulled the blanket off him, and banged around the kitchen. He doesn't seem to get the idea. Short of changing the locks, I don't know what else to do. How can we get this thick-skinned freeloader out? -- FED UP WITH OLD FISH
DEAR FED UP: It's time for the three of you to confront Alan. It would be best if you did it together. Give him one week to be out of the house, then be prepared to hand him his belongings and change the locks. Expect no expression of gratitude for the time he has spent under your roof, and you won't be disappointed.
DEAR ABBY: My problem is that I have a brother who lives across the country who is planning to visit us and bring the 5-year-old daughter of a friend of his. He befriended an unwed mother and witnessed her daughter's birth, so a bond was formed between him and the baby. The natural father isn't even in the picture.
I want to write him a letter and explain what a burden this would be on his hosts, my husband and me. Abby, a child this age requires constant close supervision, not to mention entertaining, waiting on and cleaning up after, etc.
I know he'll be upset with me if I write him this letter, but I feel I have a right to be upset with him. He never once asked our permission; he just announced his intentions to bring her and stay with us for two weeks. Two weeks is too long for any company, especially when a young child is involved.
Before I write him, Abby, I would like your opinion. -- WORRIED SISTER IN ATLANTA
DEAR WORRIED SISTER: Your brother apparently feels that the child is part of his family. Be diplomatic; write to your brother expressing your concern about entertaining a 5-year-old for two weeks, noting that she may get homesick. If he insists on bringing her anyway, research ways to entertain a young child in Atlanta, including finding children her age to play with. Or make him responsible for the little girl's care and entertainment.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Younger Woman Seeks Older Man for Friendship and Maybe More
DEAR ABBY: I am 34 and divorced for three years. I met a very nice man I'll call Jim at my boss's Christmas party. We hit it off very well (at least I thought we did). He is about 20 years older than I and in the process of getting a divorce. Also, he is a friend of my boss. They play racquetball every week.
At the party, he told me I was "too young." I felt I met a nice person to be friends with, and the age difference doesn't bother me. I have been through a six-year relationship, live on my own and pay my own bills.
It's been two weeks, and I would like to know how I can see him without jeopardizing my job or a friendship. He didn't ask for my phone number, but he knows where I work. Should I sit back and wait, or should I call him? I don't want to embarrass him or myself, but I don't see why a younger woman can't date an older man. I will abide by your advice. -- INTERESTED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR INTERESTED: I advise you to wait. Age is not the only factor. You are an independent woman of the '90s who can ask a man for a date. However, for you to aggressively pursue your boss's still-married friend could be misinterpreted, and you could be hurt, both emotionally and in your career.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding Allen Bouchard's letter on the importance of discarding outdated medications, it is important to realize that while most medications, such as nitroglycerin, lose potency with age, some actually can become toxic.
Tetracycline is an old antibiotic, but it is still commonly used for acne, respiratory infections and the like. Outdated tetracycline can cause permanent kidney damage.
So, please check the dates, discard old medications, and keep all medications out of the reach of children. -- PATRICK A. MAUER, M.D., LOS ANGELES
DEAR DR. MAUER: Thank you for taking time from your busy day to alert my readers that some outdated prescriptions can become toxic. I would warn readers who are discarding old medications to carefully dispose of them so they're out of the reach of children and pets.
DEAR ABBY: Of all the phrases and terms we use, the one that offends me the most is "illegitimate child." I guess I'll go to my grave wondering what a newborn child does to become illegitimate. What horrendous crime did he or she commit? How did he or she sin beyond all redemption to become forever illegitimate?
If there's a stigma to be attached to a child born out of wedlock, let's put it where it belongs -- on the parents.
Put the word out, Abby, there is no such thing as an illegitimate child. There are only illegitimate parents. -- GENE IN OLYMPIA, WASH.
DEAR GENE: The term "illegitimate" originates from the old English laws of inheritance. A legitimate child -- one born within the bonds of wedlock -- could inherit his father's property. An illegitimate child could not.
You are correct that it's not the child's fault that his or her parents didn't marry. Rather, it's the sins of emission and omission on the part of the parents.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)