What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Talk About Moving Is Cheap for Living Room Freeloader
DEAR ABBY: I have been living in a three-bedroom house with two other guys since May. Last September, one of my roommates ("John") allowed one of his friends to move into our living room. We all agreed it would be only until the end of the month -- less than two weeks away.
"Alan" had been having trouble with the people he was living with and needed to get out before the situation exploded. He said he would move in with a co-worker in a week and a half. Well, that apparently fell through. So have four other "possibilities" he has since told us about. I've talked with my two roommates, and they are also tired of Alan's continuing to "hang out." Yet they do nothing about it.
Abby, I've tried everything I can think of. As the only early riser in the house, I'm usually up by 6 a.m. I have told Alan that it's past time he moved on and have left the "Room for Rent" section of the newspaper open and circled. I've even collected "roommate wanted" information from the bulletin boards at the university I attend. I've blasted my stereo, turned on the TV, left the front door open in the winter air, pulled the blanket off him, and banged around the kitchen. He doesn't seem to get the idea. Short of changing the locks, I don't know what else to do. How can we get this thick-skinned freeloader out? -- FED UP WITH OLD FISH
DEAR FED UP: It's time for the three of you to confront Alan. It would be best if you did it together. Give him one week to be out of the house, then be prepared to hand him his belongings and change the locks. Expect no expression of gratitude for the time he has spent under your roof, and you won't be disappointed.
DEAR ABBY: My problem is that I have a brother who lives across the country who is planning to visit us and bring the 5-year-old daughter of a friend of his. He befriended an unwed mother and witnessed her daughter's birth, so a bond was formed between him and the baby. The natural father isn't even in the picture.
I want to write him a letter and explain what a burden this would be on his hosts, my husband and me. Abby, a child this age requires constant close supervision, not to mention entertaining, waiting on and cleaning up after, etc.
I know he'll be upset with me if I write him this letter, but I feel I have a right to be upset with him. He never once asked our permission; he just announced his intentions to bring her and stay with us for two weeks. Two weeks is too long for any company, especially when a young child is involved.
Before I write him, Abby, I would like your opinion. -- WORRIED SISTER IN ATLANTA
DEAR WORRIED SISTER: Your brother apparently feels that the child is part of his family. Be diplomatic; write to your brother expressing your concern about entertaining a 5-year-old for two weeks, noting that she may get homesick. If he insists on bringing her anyway, research ways to entertain a young child in Atlanta, including finding children her age to play with. Or make him responsible for the little girl's care and entertainment.
Younger Woman Seeks Older Man for Friendship and Maybe More
DEAR ABBY: I am 34 and divorced for three years. I met a very nice man I'll call Jim at my boss's Christmas party. We hit it off very well (at least I thought we did). He is about 20 years older than I and in the process of getting a divorce. Also, he is a friend of my boss. They play racquetball every week.
At the party, he told me I was "too young." I felt I met a nice person to be friends with, and the age difference doesn't bother me. I have been through a six-year relationship, live on my own and pay my own bills.
It's been two weeks, and I would like to know how I can see him without jeopardizing my job or a friendship. He didn't ask for my phone number, but he knows where I work. Should I sit back and wait, or should I call him? I don't want to embarrass him or myself, but I don't see why a younger woman can't date an older man. I will abide by your advice. -- INTERESTED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR INTERESTED: I advise you to wait. Age is not the only factor. You are an independent woman of the '90s who can ask a man for a date. However, for you to aggressively pursue your boss's still-married friend could be misinterpreted, and you could be hurt, both emotionally and in your career.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding Allen Bouchard's letter on the importance of discarding outdated medications, it is important to realize that while most medications, such as nitroglycerin, lose potency with age, some actually can become toxic.
Tetracycline is an old antibiotic, but it is still commonly used for acne, respiratory infections and the like. Outdated tetracycline can cause permanent kidney damage.
So, please check the dates, discard old medications, and keep all medications out of the reach of children. -- PATRICK A. MAUER, M.D., LOS ANGELES
DEAR DR. MAUER: Thank you for taking time from your busy day to alert my readers that some outdated prescriptions can become toxic. I would warn readers who are discarding old medications to carefully dispose of them so they're out of the reach of children and pets.
DEAR ABBY: Of all the phrases and terms we use, the one that offends me the most is "illegitimate child." I guess I'll go to my grave wondering what a newborn child does to become illegitimate. What horrendous crime did he or she commit? How did he or she sin beyond all redemption to become forever illegitimate?
If there's a stigma to be attached to a child born out of wedlock, let's put it where it belongs -- on the parents.
Put the word out, Abby, there is no such thing as an illegitimate child. There are only illegitimate parents. -- GENE IN OLYMPIA, WASH.
DEAR GENE: The term "illegitimate" originates from the old English laws of inheritance. A legitimate child -- one born within the bonds of wedlock -- could inherit his father's property. An illegitimate child could not.
You are correct that it's not the child's fault that his or her parents didn't marry. Rather, it's the sins of emission and omission on the part of the parents.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
ABUSIVE DAD'S ABSENCE MADE NO ONE'S HEART GROW FONDER
DEAR ABBY: I haven't seen my dad in about 10 years. He was abusive when I was growing up, and it was a relief when Mom finally divorced him. At one point, my sister caught him peeking at her through the bathroom window.
I finally gave up on him after I became an adult, living overseas in a remote area for seven years. My father never answered a single letter I wrote, or even sent a Christmas card. When I came to town on annual leave he never had much time for me, and once he stood me up at a restaurant. When I moved back to the United States, I decided to stop initiating contact. He's never been to visit me.
He called about six months ago and asked me to visit him the next time I'm in his town. As it happens, I'll be there in a month or two.
Father feels a little guilty about his past behavior, but mostly he's in denial and expects his children to respect him. I feel uncomfortable seeing him, but he's growing older and I don't want to feel guilty when he dies.
What do you think is the right thing to do? -- FED UP IN ALASKA
DEAR FED UP: Love and respect aren't automatic; they have to be earned and nurtured. Certainly, your father has done little over the years to deserve your respect. I hate to see you set up for more heartbreak. However, if you don't go that extra mile and give him a telephone call when you arrive, you may always regret it. You'll be able to tell from the response you get at that time whether it's worth your time and effort to re-establish contact.
DEAR ABBY: It is so sad to be a stepmother of a teen-age girl whom I just can't love. She's been living with us for four years. She's 16 and a very difficult child. (I'll call her Sharon.)
Sharon doesn't like to shower. She gets so mad when I insist that she gets in the shower, gets wet, gets out and without toweling off, re-dresses in the dirty clothes she's been wearing for days. I have tried everything to get her to practice proper hygiene.
Abby, Sharon is the best kid around when her father is at home, but he works long hours, and while he's away she is the kid from hell.
Her mother refuses to take her back. What should I do? -- SAD STEPMOM
DEAR STEPMOM: Happy children don't behave this way. Sharon needs psychiatric help. Fill her father in on everything, and insist that Sharon see a counselor as soon as possible.
DEAR ABBY: This is for "Shorty From Wisconsin," who needs a booster seat in the restaurant. For years, I carried a pillow to the Los Angeles Music Center when attending concerts. It's a round form from the fabric store. I covered it with gold brocade and included a 3-inch-wide carrying strap on the side. Because it seemed awkward to carry both a pillow and a purse, I included a small zipper pocket under the strap, just large enough for my driver's license, health cards, lipstick and handkerchief. (Yes, I'm one of those "little old ladies" who still carry a white handkerchief!)
Years ago, I put a similar zipper pocket in the corner of my daughter's beach towel. It was just large enough to hold a bottle of sunscreen, a small comb and bus money. -- EVIE DE POISTER, SANTA MONICA, CALIF.
DEAR EVIE: Your idea of including a concealed zipper pocket was clever. I'm passing it along for readers who are fortunate enough to know how to sew -- or to know someone who does.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.