Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
ABUSIVE DAD'S ABSENCE MADE NO ONE'S HEART GROW FONDER
DEAR ABBY: I haven't seen my dad in about 10 years. He was abusive when I was growing up, and it was a relief when Mom finally divorced him. At one point, my sister caught him peeking at her through the bathroom window.
I finally gave up on him after I became an adult, living overseas in a remote area for seven years. My father never answered a single letter I wrote, or even sent a Christmas card. When I came to town on annual leave he never had much time for me, and once he stood me up at a restaurant. When I moved back to the United States, I decided to stop initiating contact. He's never been to visit me.
He called about six months ago and asked me to visit him the next time I'm in his town. As it happens, I'll be there in a month or two.
Father feels a little guilty about his past behavior, but mostly he's in denial and expects his children to respect him. I feel uncomfortable seeing him, but he's growing older and I don't want to feel guilty when he dies.
What do you think is the right thing to do? -- FED UP IN ALASKA
DEAR FED UP: Love and respect aren't automatic; they have to be earned and nurtured. Certainly, your father has done little over the years to deserve your respect. I hate to see you set up for more heartbreak. However, if you don't go that extra mile and give him a telephone call when you arrive, you may always regret it. You'll be able to tell from the response you get at that time whether it's worth your time and effort to re-establish contact.
DEAR ABBY: It is so sad to be a stepmother of a teen-age girl whom I just can't love. She's been living with us for four years. She's 16 and a very difficult child. (I'll call her Sharon.)
Sharon doesn't like to shower. She gets so mad when I insist that she gets in the shower, gets wet, gets out and without toweling off, re-dresses in the dirty clothes she's been wearing for days. I have tried everything to get her to practice proper hygiene.
Abby, Sharon is the best kid around when her father is at home, but he works long hours, and while he's away she is the kid from hell.
Her mother refuses to take her back. What should I do? -- SAD STEPMOM
DEAR STEPMOM: Happy children don't behave this way. Sharon needs psychiatric help. Fill her father in on everything, and insist that Sharon see a counselor as soon as possible.
DEAR ABBY: This is for "Shorty From Wisconsin," who needs a booster seat in the restaurant. For years, I carried a pillow to the Los Angeles Music Center when attending concerts. It's a round form from the fabric store. I covered it with gold brocade and included a 3-inch-wide carrying strap on the side. Because it seemed awkward to carry both a pillow and a purse, I included a small zipper pocket under the strap, just large enough for my driver's license, health cards, lipstick and handkerchief. (Yes, I'm one of those "little old ladies" who still carry a white handkerchief!)
Years ago, I put a similar zipper pocket in the corner of my daughter's beach towel. It was just large enough to hold a bottle of sunscreen, a small comb and bus money. -- EVIE DE POISTER, SANTA MONICA, CALIF.
DEAR EVIE: Your idea of including a concealed zipper pocket was clever. I'm passing it along for readers who are fortunate enough to know how to sew -- or to know someone who does.
Man Found His Dishonesty More Painful Than Being Gay
DEAR ABBY: I am a gay man who is in the middle of a nasty divorce, ending a 10-year marriage. I married to hide the fact that I am gay from my conservative religious parents and family.
This divorce has been a terrible experience for both my wife and me, and we will bear the scars of this broken relationship for many years to come. The irony is, my parents have fully accepted my homosexuality and are extremely supportive.
How I wish I had waited until I was strong enough to deal honestly with my sexuality instead of getting married. Young men who are in my shoes need to heed my advice: "Give yourselves time to come to terms with your sexuality." Lesbians, too, should know that they can be happy and live rewarding and productive lives if they accept themselves as they are.
Abby, my effort to become a heterosexual was a total farce for me! Gays and lesbians should find a supportive therapist and give themselves time to mature. If one person learns from my terrible mistake, it will make it worth the pain. -- 20/20 HINDSIGHT IN NEW YORK
DEAR 20/20: Thank you for sending a message that many people -- gay and straight -- will appreciate. I am reminded of a quote from Shakespeare: "This above all: To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."
DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, you ran a letter signed "Grieving" that listed some things people should not say to a couple who has lost a child by miscarriage. I still hurt after 15 years, and I'm the grandmother. You may use my name. -- NANA IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR NANA: I'm sorry. Losing a child is one of life's most painful tragedies -- one almost too difficult to bear. Of course I will print the column again so that well-meaning people will not offer sympathetic comments that only increase the pain:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I wanted so much to have this child, and we almost made it, but I miscarried a baby boy in my sixth month and he couldn't be saved. This tragedy was heartbreaking enough, but some of the "comforting" comments from well-meaning friends made it even worse.
Abby, will you please ask your readers NEVER to try to comfort a woman who has lost a premature baby with any of the following comments -- and if you can add anything, please do:
-- "Cheer up, you're still young. You can try again."
-- "You have one child already. Be thankful for what you have."
-- "It was God's will. Praise the Lord."
-- "You could have been lucky; it might not have been normal."
-- "Don't be so downhearted -- it isn't as though you lost a CHILD." -- GRIEVING
DEAR GRIEVING: To the above well-intentioned but inappropriate comments, I can repeat some advice I have frequently offered: To the parents, a miscarriage is the loss of a child. They have anticipated, planned for and prepared for the child, which they will never have. Regardless of how many other children they may have, one child will never replace the one who was lost.
If a friend loses a child through miscarriage, express your feelings of sorrow as though she had lost a "living" child. Because she has.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Flurry of Family Birthdays Makes Fiance Feel Left Out
DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Bob," and I have a problem. It seems like every few days we receive an invitation to a birthday party for someone in his large extended family. Just yesterday, we received an invitation to a joint celebration for both his aunt's birthday (she will be 41) and his cousin, who will be 22. The problem is, none of these people ever send Bob a birthday card. He does receive cards from his immediate family, one of his two grandmothers and my family, but nothing from any of his extended family.
Abby, it hurts him when they forget his birthday, especially when we receive an invitation to yet another family birthday. I don't feel comfortable saying anything to them on his behalf.
Is there anything we can do? -- FEELING FRUSTRATED
DEAR FEELING: Do you send cards to these family members whether or not they're having a party? If you do, then they should reciprocate.
If you want your fiance's family to make a fuss about his birthday, throw him a party and invite them. Far better to perpetuate family traditions than to do nothing and brood because they don't observe your fiance's birthday in the way you think they should.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-year-old male. Three years ago I met a wonderful woman two years my junior. We dated, fell in love and became engaged.
During the last year, we've been arguing about personality differences (disrespectful behavior, selfishness, insecurities -- the usual stuff). We love each other very much; however, we have both behaved inappropriately when we were angry.
She broke off the engagement. I desperately want to work this out, but she's acting very cold and says she's not sure she wants to marry me. I've told her I'm sorry, that the issues we fought about are trivial and we can work them out, but she is hurt and afraid.
Abby, what do I do now? -- STRICKEN IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR STRICKEN: Back off for a while, but try to maintain contact until she calms down. She may change her mind after a cooling-off period.
Meanwhile, the library has many books on relationships. Among them are some that teach couples how to fight "constructively." It's a skill that isn't always taught in public schools or even in many homes, because the majority of people have never learned how to disagree without alienating the other person. Learning this important lesson can help you detour from bumpy roads ahead.
DEAR ABBY: When you have made the suggestion in past columns to offer making a visitor's reservation at a nearby motel -- who is supposed to pay for it?
Is it assumed that the visitor will pay for his own accommodations, or is it assumed that with the offer of making the reservation comes the obligation to pay for it? Thank you for your answer on this one. -- JUST WONDERING
DEAR JUST WONDERING: The visitor should pay the bill for the accommodations.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)