Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Older Houseguests May Want to Test Their Guest Ability
DEAR ABBY: During the holiday season, you often publish letters from older persons complaining about being alone or left out. Last winter, my husband and I entertained six sets of overnight guests at our Florida home. Most of them were over 65. Based upon our experience, here is a questionnaire for the person who hasn't received another invitation:
(1) When you arrived, did you greet the host and hostess warmly -- or did you complain about the airline, the stairs, the driveway, the distance, the traffic and the crowds?
(2) If you have special dietary requirements, did you inform your hosts well in advance, or did you wait until the meal was on the table? Did you expect everyone to eat only your special diet?
(3) Did you talk about anything other than your medical problems? Did you show an interest in others and ask questions about their lives?
(4) Did you complain that the bed was too hard or too soft, and if the pillow was not to your liking, did you feel compelled to say so?
(5) Did you claim the best chair in the house as yours for the entire visit? Did you complain about the weather? Did you adjust the thermostat to your comfort level without first asking your hosts?
(6) If you are early to bed and early to rise, did you expect the entire household to conform to your schedule?
(7) Did you state your opinion and give advice on every topic? Or did you consider the fact that others may know something, too?
(8) Did you express gratitude for the efforts your hosts made on your behalf?
Abby, our reason for inviting guests is to enjoy their company. What causes some people to think they no longer need to practice good manners simply because they are older? -- INVITING FEWER PEOPLE TO FLORIDA THIS YEAR
DEAR INVITING: Your frustration with houseguests is reflected in your questions. Good manners are essential at any age. It is as important to be a good guest as it is to be a gracious host.
You may appreciate the following "Caution to Houseguests" submitted by Nita Skidmore. It appeared in my column a few years ago.
CAUTION TO HOUSEGUESTS
(1) Open all closet doors and drawers with caution.
(2) Do not move any heavy furniture -- there may be dirt.
(3) Don't draw your finger across any picture frame. (We rarely dust.)
(4) Do not open the box under the kitchen table. (That's where we keep Grandma's ashes.)
(5) Don't be afraid to use a clean towel and washcloth. We have plenty. (As you can see, we have traveled a lot.)
(6) If you take a book from the shelf, beware of moths and bookworms.
(7) Don't bother looking under any bed -- there's not room enough for a man.
(8) Please sit down very carefully -- the cat might be there.
(9) If you should find a long hair, give it back to me; I need them all.
(10) Feel free to help yourselves to anything you find in the fridge. It's always too full anyway.
(11) Do not remove the toilet paper from the bathroom sink -- it's our solution to the leaky faucet.
(12) Don't ask why the dragonflies fly only in the side yard. Nobody knows.
Daughter's Plan to Leave Out Mom Eventually Brings Her In
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Hurt Mom in Washington," who was both angry and sad at her daughter's wedding plans. I was in a similar situation five years ago when my daughter married. She, too, insisted on planning every last detail of her wedding on her own, and made it more than just a bit clear that she was going to do things "her way" without any "interference" on my part.
To make a long story short, several weeks before her wedding her caterer informed her that due to a scheduling misunderstanding, he would be unable to cater her wedding after all. After frantically contacting many other caterers without success, guess who she asked to cater the wedding? You guessed right -- good old Mom!
Although I wouldn't want "Hurt Mom's" daughter's plans to go awry, she needs to know that these things usually have a way of working themselves out.
The food I prepared for my daughter's wedding turned out so well that some guests had a hard time believing the reception had not been professionally catered. It also helped my daughter and me regain the closeness we had previously shared and enjoyed. Sign me ... BEEN THERE IN WASHINGTON
DEAR BEEN THERE: Your daughter was fortunate to have such a talented and forgiving mother. Your experience gives new meaning to the slogan, "Nothin' says lovin' like something from the oven!"
DEAR ABBY: I am a widower, living in California, writing in response to the woman who signed herself "Second Love." I suspect that her husband doesn't know when he is well-off. He is very fortunate to love and be loved by a second wife. Not all men are so blessed. He should remove all the pictures of his former wife, except possibly one group picture of the family.
Abby, after my wife of 45 years died, I realized that I could never create new memories with her again. When I remarried, I put all my family pictures into a drawer, and I review them periodically.
I cannot afford to let the past interfere with the present. The past has gone, and nothing can change it. I am very fortunate to have loved and been loved by two wonderful women, and I intend to keep it that way. -- DAVID S. EICHER, GLENDALE, CALIF.
DEAR DAVID: Your pragmatism is admirable. I agree there is much to be said about living in the present. However, not everyone reacts in the same manner to loss and grieving.
DEAR ABBY: Recently a reader told you how she used the telephone answering machine to monitor calls for her bedridden husband -- and how he enjoyed listening to his messages, even repeatedly. Such a recording could be a treasured memento of the kind words left by friends and family for their terminally ill loved ones.
I am not ill, but I appreciate hearing the voices of loved ones who call when I am not at home. I, too, play the message back more than once -- for the joy of hearing that voice.
Eventually the answering machine must be cleared, but before I clear it, I often put my cassette tape recorder beside the answering machine and record the messages on tape. Then, if I wish, I can hear them again -- today, tomorrow or any time I need a lift. -- MS. HAZEL DANIELSON, SHORELINE, WASH.
DEAR HAZEL: What a clever idea! I'm passing it along.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TIES TO FORMER IN-LAWS STILL AFFECTIONATELY BIND NEW BRIDE
DEAR ABBY: I recently became engaged to marry for the second time. I am still close to my former husband's parents and would like to invite them to my wedding. I think they would be hurt if I didn't. My fiance has no problem with their attendance.
A few people have said that it would be ridiculous and improper to invite them to the wedding and reception. A friend suggested that with a sticky situation like this, I should ask you what to do. -- BRIDE IN MANCHESTER, N.H.
DEAR BRIDE: Since your fiance is comfortable with your inviting your former in-laws to your wedding, and you sincerely want them to attend, invite them. Although it is somewhat unusual for a former daughter-in-law to remain so close to her in-laws, it is a testimony to the respect and affection you have maintained for each other in spite of the marital problems you had with their son.
DEAR ABBY: When I saw the letter from "Forgotten Daughter," whose family is in turmoil due to her dad's infidelities, I had to respond. Call this letter a plea to parents who are contemplating having affairs.
When I was 13, my dad started having an affair with a younger woman and left my mom. My reaction to the situation was to cut school, shoplift and drink. This apparently isn't unusual, if you pay attention to the statistics or watch talk shows. The reality was that Dad did not have an affair on my mom. He cheated on the whole family.
Many cheating spouses say, "This is between my spouse and me, and it has nothing to do with the children." The truth is, it has everything to do with the children. Men or women who are considering having an affair need to stop and think beyond their own selfish needs, and consider the havoc it will wreak on the lives of their children. The message they're sending to their kids is, "This affair, which is based on sex, means more to me than creating a safe and loving environment for you." Children aren't equipped with the coping skills necessary to come through an affair unscathed. (Neither are many adults, for that matter.)
If your marriage is unsatisfactory, seek counseling with your spouse. If divorce is inevitable, seek family counseling to help your kids through the transition. But please, for heaven's sake, wait until the divorce papers are signed before beginning another relationship. Your children deserve that courtesy. Their very lives may depend upon it.
What was the outcome in our family? Dad moved back in with us two years later, with no explanation to the kids. I was in therapy for several years, trying to learn to trust men and to love again. My mother lost huge chunks of her self-esteem that she is just now retrieving, after 20 years. And my brother committed suicide.
I hope it was worth it, Dad. -- A SURVIVOR IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SURVIVOR: Your parents' inability to discuss their separation and reconciliation with you and your brother was deplorable. It is clear from your letter that you still harbor enormous hostility about the way it was handled. I hope that one day you will find it in your heart to forgive and move on, because nurturing bitterness will only corrode your future.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)