To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TIES TO FORMER IN-LAWS STILL AFFECTIONATELY BIND NEW BRIDE
DEAR ABBY: I recently became engaged to marry for the second time. I am still close to my former husband's parents and would like to invite them to my wedding. I think they would be hurt if I didn't. My fiance has no problem with their attendance.
A few people have said that it would be ridiculous and improper to invite them to the wedding and reception. A friend suggested that with a sticky situation like this, I should ask you what to do. -- BRIDE IN MANCHESTER, N.H.
DEAR BRIDE: Since your fiance is comfortable with your inviting your former in-laws to your wedding, and you sincerely want them to attend, invite them. Although it is somewhat unusual for a former daughter-in-law to remain so close to her in-laws, it is a testimony to the respect and affection you have maintained for each other in spite of the marital problems you had with their son.
DEAR ABBY: When I saw the letter from "Forgotten Daughter," whose family is in turmoil due to her dad's infidelities, I had to respond. Call this letter a plea to parents who are contemplating having affairs.
When I was 13, my dad started having an affair with a younger woman and left my mom. My reaction to the situation was to cut school, shoplift and drink. This apparently isn't unusual, if you pay attention to the statistics or watch talk shows. The reality was that Dad did not have an affair on my mom. He cheated on the whole family.
Many cheating spouses say, "This is between my spouse and me, and it has nothing to do with the children." The truth is, it has everything to do with the children. Men or women who are considering having an affair need to stop and think beyond their own selfish needs, and consider the havoc it will wreak on the lives of their children. The message they're sending to their kids is, "This affair, which is based on sex, means more to me than creating a safe and loving environment for you." Children aren't equipped with the coping skills necessary to come through an affair unscathed. (Neither are many adults, for that matter.)
If your marriage is unsatisfactory, seek counseling with your spouse. If divorce is inevitable, seek family counseling to help your kids through the transition. But please, for heaven's sake, wait until the divorce papers are signed before beginning another relationship. Your children deserve that courtesy. Their very lives may depend upon it.
What was the outcome in our family? Dad moved back in with us two years later, with no explanation to the kids. I was in therapy for several years, trying to learn to trust men and to love again. My mother lost huge chunks of her self-esteem that she is just now retrieving, after 20 years. And my brother committed suicide.
I hope it was worth it, Dad. -- A SURVIVOR IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SURVIVOR: Your parents' inability to discuss their separation and reconciliation with you and your brother was deplorable. It is clear from your letter that you still harbor enormous hostility about the way it was handled. I hope that one day you will find it in your heart to forgive and move on, because nurturing bitterness will only corrode your future.
Cell Phones in Cars Add to Arsenal of Distraction
DEAR ABBY: As a longtime member of our local traffic safety commission and past volunteer AARP 55-Alive driving instructor, I wish to comment on the recent letter from Tom Lynch of Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
Mr. Lynch suggested that the use of cell phones is safe because truck drivers have used CB radios for many years. What he failed to add is that accidents involving trucks have increased dramatically in recent years. Part of the reason is the increased number of trucks on the road -- but how many others are due to inattentive driving because the driver was on the radio or otherwise occupied?
He also suggested that you will next advocate passing laws against tuning the radio while driving, looking at your passenger and conversing while driving, adjusting the temperature while driving or driving without adequate sleep. While I don't advocate laws preventing those activities, if drivers could be convinced to refrain from those practices, we would have much safer highways.
Driving is a full-time responsibility. Inattentive driving is the cause of more motor vehicle accidents than any other single activity, although it's not always listed on accident reports as such, because it's too difficult to prove in a court of law.
Thanks for your support of highway and driver safety, Abby. -- JAMES G. SEIDL, MEDFORD, WIS.
DEAR JAMES: You put your finger on the problem when you said that inattentive driving is the culprit. I have received mail from many readers complaining about having been caught in traffic with commuters who apply makeup while driving, who turn around to converse with passengers in the rear seat, or to try to control animals that are loose in the car. What many people seem to forget is that the car continues to move while the driver is distracted.
So many drivers ignore stop signs and red lights that some cities have begun installing cameras at busy intersections to record the license plates of the scofflaws. Pedestrians shouldn't have to fear stepping off the curb.
In my own defense, I wasn't entirely off the wall when I suggested there ought to be a law. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Using a cell phone while operating a motor vehicle is against the law in Connecticut, and has been since the days of the old radio-telephone. However, the law is seldom enforced.
Some drivers even keep a telephone headset draped over their rearview mirror for hands-free telephony. -- R.C. JESPERSEN, KEENE, N.H.
DEAR R.C.: Thank you for the information. Whether it's enforced to the max or not, I'm pleased to learn that law is on the books. One down, 49 to go. Other countries have such laws, and we should, too.
DEAR ABBY: I won a gift certificate for two free dinners at a very nice restaurant. If I call another couple to join us for dinner, should I be expected to share the certificate with them -- or do I explain that my wife and I will be eating for free because of the certificate and they will pay for their own dinner? -- JOSEPH F. IN SHERMAN OAKS, CALIF.
DEAR JOSEPH F.: It would be far more diplomatic if you and your wife went alone to the restaurant and enjoyed your windfall, rather than pulling out your certificate for two freebies while your friends present cash or their credit card.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
MOM'S READY TO SHORT-SHEET SON'S UNSUPERVISED SLEEPOVER
DEAR ABBY: I need help with a family problem. My 14-year-old son and his friends enjoy sleeping over at one another's homes. Recently he spent the night at a new friend's apartment. I just discovered that the other boy's mother works all night. She left about 10 p.m., and the two boys were left on their own.
I was horrified when I found out and informed my son that he may have his friend over at our home, or he can sleep at his friend's home on the condition that I speak first to a parent to be certain that an adult will be present.
My son says I'm being unreasonable, and my husband sees nothing wrong with two 14-year-old boys being left alone for the night. I seem to be alone in my opinion that this is potentially dangerous. What do you think? Should I back down? -- WORRIED MOM IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR WORRIED: Do not back down. It's difficult to be Mom the Enforcer when your husband doesn't support you; however, I agree there should always be an adult on the premises to make responsible decisions should an emergency occur. Dad seems to have forgotten how immature 14-year-old boys can be. Remind him.
DEAR ABBY: With reference to "Dad, the Morning Rooster," who has to haul his 18-year-old son out of bed to go to work: There's another side to the question of slow-to-rise adults. Some body clocks cannot be adjusted.
My husband has this problem. When he was single, he paid the janitor of his building to see that he was up and sitting on the side of the bed each morning before leaving him.
After we were married and both working and sharing transportation, his problem caused me a lot of stress. After I quit working, I thought he could and should change, get a loud alarm clock, suffer the consequences of oversleeping, etc. Nothing worked. I continued to get angry, and he continued to apologize and tell me how much he appreciated my getting him up.
I finally accepted the fact that he is a night person and a very sound sleeper. (He could respond to an emergency in the middle of the night and have no recollection of it the next morning.) I, on the other hand, am a morning person, waking up early and hungry.
My husband worked long, hard hours at a job where he was not in danger of being fired, but certainly didn't get the day off to a good start when he overslept. I finally solved the problem by sending the children, as soon as they were old enough, to wake Daddy. They loved it, and not even he could continue to sleep with a couple of preschoolers climbing all over him.
If possible, night people would do well to follow a career that calls for working afternoons and evenings (such as operating a movie theater). A true night person and a true morning person living together will have to understand and compromise. To people like us, I offer this consolation: It gets better as you grow older. Sound sleepers sleep less soundly, and early risers don't leap quite as eagerly out of bed in the morning. Eventually you meet on middle ground. -- RETIRED MORNING PERSON
DEAR RETIRED: It's true that people have different biological rhythms. However, it's not always possible for an 18-year-old to work nights and sleep in -- particularly if he or she must balance a work schedule with school.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)