For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOM'S READY TO SHORT-SHEET SON'S UNSUPERVISED SLEEPOVER
DEAR ABBY: I need help with a family problem. My 14-year-old son and his friends enjoy sleeping over at one another's homes. Recently he spent the night at a new friend's apartment. I just discovered that the other boy's mother works all night. She left about 10 p.m., and the two boys were left on their own.
I was horrified when I found out and informed my son that he may have his friend over at our home, or he can sleep at his friend's home on the condition that I speak first to a parent to be certain that an adult will be present.
My son says I'm being unreasonable, and my husband sees nothing wrong with two 14-year-old boys being left alone for the night. I seem to be alone in my opinion that this is potentially dangerous. What do you think? Should I back down? -- WORRIED MOM IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR WORRIED: Do not back down. It's difficult to be Mom the Enforcer when your husband doesn't support you; however, I agree there should always be an adult on the premises to make responsible decisions should an emergency occur. Dad seems to have forgotten how immature 14-year-old boys can be. Remind him.
DEAR ABBY: With reference to "Dad, the Morning Rooster," who has to haul his 18-year-old son out of bed to go to work: There's another side to the question of slow-to-rise adults. Some body clocks cannot be adjusted.
My husband has this problem. When he was single, he paid the janitor of his building to see that he was up and sitting on the side of the bed each morning before leaving him.
After we were married and both working and sharing transportation, his problem caused me a lot of stress. After I quit working, I thought he could and should change, get a loud alarm clock, suffer the consequences of oversleeping, etc. Nothing worked. I continued to get angry, and he continued to apologize and tell me how much he appreciated my getting him up.
I finally accepted the fact that he is a night person and a very sound sleeper. (He could respond to an emergency in the middle of the night and have no recollection of it the next morning.) I, on the other hand, am a morning person, waking up early and hungry.
My husband worked long, hard hours at a job where he was not in danger of being fired, but certainly didn't get the day off to a good start when he overslept. I finally solved the problem by sending the children, as soon as they were old enough, to wake Daddy. They loved it, and not even he could continue to sleep with a couple of preschoolers climbing all over him.
If possible, night people would do well to follow a career that calls for working afternoons and evenings (such as operating a movie theater). A true night person and a true morning person living together will have to understand and compromise. To people like us, I offer this consolation: It gets better as you grow older. Sound sleepers sleep less soundly, and early risers don't leap quite as eagerly out of bed in the morning. Eventually you meet on middle ground. -- RETIRED MORNING PERSON
DEAR RETIRED: It's true that people have different biological rhythms. However, it's not always possible for an 18-year-old to work nights and sleep in -- particularly if he or she must balance a work schedule with school.
Warning Signs Help Parents Identify Drug Abuse in Kids
DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed a letter from Gen. Barry McCaffrey (Ret.), director of national drug control policy in Washington, D.C., in which he asked parents to act upon 10 New Year's Resolutions to Raise Drug-Free Kids. Space limitations prevented me from printing the warning signs he said parents should look for. Although there is no single factor for drug use, warning signs of a potential problem include:
(1) Drop in academic performance
(2) Lack of interest in personal appearance
(3) Withdrawal, isolation, depression, fatigue
(4) Aggressive, rebellious behavior
(5) Hostility and lack of cooperativeness
(6) Deteriorating relationships with family
(7) Change in friends
(8) Loss of interest in hobbies and/or sports
(9) Change in eating/sleeping habits
(10) Evidence of drugs or drug paraphernalia (e.g., needles, pipes, papers, lighters)
(11) Physical changes (e.g., runny nose not from cold, red eyes, coughing, wheezing, bruises, needle marks)
Help is available: Call this number for information: (800) 666-3332 and ask for the new Growing Up Drug Free Parents Guide. Call the hot lines for help: (800) 662-HELP or (800) 821-HELP. Or surf for information on the Web at www.whitehousedrugpolicy.gov or www.health.org or www.drugfreeamerica.org.
DEAR ABBY: Do you enjoy large, festive parties where the band is so loud you cannot hear the guest next to you speak?
We went to a very expensive black-tie wedding last week. Most of the guests left the room at various intervals throughout the evening in order to be able to converse with other guests without shouting.
The guests complained to each other about the loudness of the music, but no one felt they could speak to the host and hostess about it because they thought the loud music was their choice.
I spoke with the hostess about it today. She said she also thought the music was too loud, but she thought the guests were enjoying it.
Abby, is there anything guests can do about it? I am not complaining about music in general. It's only the very loud music I resent, which causes me to go home with a sore throat from shouting.
Do other readers agree? -- ROBERTA BERENS, ENCINO, CALIF.
DEAR ROBERTA: I'm sure many readers will agree with you, depending upon their age. It's a generational thing. Young people tend to favor loud music, which explains why so many have hearing problems in their later years. Had you asked the host, the hostess or even the band leader to tone down the volume -- your request may have fallen on deaf ears.
PONDER THIS: "Many a man owes his success to his first wife -- and his second wife to success." -- Sean Connery
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Resolutions Can Help Families Arm Themselves Against Drugs
DEAR ABBY: I need your help -- and help from America's parents -- in talking with their children about the dangers of drug abuse. From car crashes to lack of productivity in school and at work, to destroying friendships and families, children need to know what drugs REALLY mean. They are disastrous for everyone concerned.
Parents are the core of our team effort. As this new year begins, I'd like parents to resolve to do 10 specific things to keep their families drug-free. I call these the 1999 New Year's Resolutions to Raise Drug-Free Kids. Please share them with your readers, Abby. -- BARRY R. McCAFFREY, DIRECTOR, OFFICE OF NATIONAL DRUG CONTROL POLICY
DEAR BARRY: The longest march begins with a single step. Your resolutions will help parents who are hesitant to discuss illegal drugs with their children. It's a vital dialogue to begin. A Newsweek survey of youth ages 11 to 17 found that parents (86 percent) and grandparents (56 percent) have the greatest influence on young people -- more than TV, movies and music (which scored only 22 percent). Read on:
RESOLUTIONS FOR RAISING DRUG-FREE KIDS
1. START: It's never too early to discourage your children from trying drugs. Protect them by letting them know you care. Even with very young children, this plays an important role in protecting them from drugs. Resolve to start right now.
2. CONNECT: The new year is a time for new beginnings. Begin building lines of communication. Resolve to do things as a family. Spend time together, eat meals together and converse with your kids. Go sledding or skating, read together, play a game, attend services. Show your children that having fun doesn't require drugs.
3. LISTEN: Take a more active interest in your children's lives. Know what they're up to -- what parties they're attending, with whom, what will be served and who will be supervising. Resolve to spend at least 30 minutes a week LISTENING to your kids' cares and concerns.
4. EDUCATE: Spend at least 30 minutes in the next 30 days explaining in simple facts to your kids how drugs can hurt them and destroy their dreams. Then, reinforce that message all year!
5. CARE: Spend at least a few minutes each day telling and showing your children you care about them. Make sure they know how proud you are they are drug-free. Tell them you are always there for them -- no matter what happens. Make sure they know to come to you first for help or information.
6. LEARN: Children today are more sophisticated. In order to educate your children about the danger of drugs, you must first educate yourself. In many cases, you and your children can learn side-by-side. Sit down together in the coming months and learn about the risks drugs pose.
7. SET LIMITS: Show your children you care by declaring limits: THIS family doesn't do drugs. THIS family doesn't hang around with people who do. Enforce these limits. If you say "no drinking and driving," it applies to you, too. Be consistent.
8. GET INVOLVED: Ensure that your community's streets, playgrounds and schools are safe and drug-free. Become active in your PTA. Start or join a community watch group or anti-drug coalition.
9. LEAD: Set an example. Don't drive drugged or drunk; don't let your friends drive impaired. If you, yourself, have a substance abuse problem, use the new year and the support of your loved ones to get help.
10. BE AWARE: Look for the warning signs that your child may be developing a substance abuse problem, and seek help.
READERS: Tomorrow I'll print the warning signs to look for.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)