PONDER THIS: "Many a man owes his success to his first wife -- and his second wife to success." -- Sean Connery
Warning Signs Help Parents Identify Drug Abuse in Kids
DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed a letter from Gen. Barry McCaffrey (Ret.), director of national drug control policy in Washington, D.C., in which he asked parents to act upon 10 New Year's Resolutions to Raise Drug-Free Kids. Space limitations prevented me from printing the warning signs he said parents should look for. Although there is no single factor for drug use, warning signs of a potential problem include:
(1) Drop in academic performance
(2) Lack of interest in personal appearance
(3) Withdrawal, isolation, depression, fatigue
(4) Aggressive, rebellious behavior
(5) Hostility and lack of cooperativeness
(6) Deteriorating relationships with family
(7) Change in friends
(8) Loss of interest in hobbies and/or sports
(9) Change in eating/sleeping habits
(10) Evidence of drugs or drug paraphernalia (e.g., needles, pipes, papers, lighters)
(11) Physical changes (e.g., runny nose not from cold, red eyes, coughing, wheezing, bruises, needle marks)
Help is available: Call this number for information: (800) 666-3332 and ask for the new Growing Up Drug Free Parents Guide. Call the hot lines for help: (800) 662-HELP or (800) 821-HELP. Or surf for information on the Web at www.whitehousedrugpolicy.gov or www.health.org or www.drugfreeamerica.org.
DEAR ABBY: Do you enjoy large, festive parties where the band is so loud you cannot hear the guest next to you speak?
We went to a very expensive black-tie wedding last week. Most of the guests left the room at various intervals throughout the evening in order to be able to converse with other guests without shouting.
The guests complained to each other about the loudness of the music, but no one felt they could speak to the host and hostess about it because they thought the loud music was their choice.
I spoke with the hostess about it today. She said she also thought the music was too loud, but she thought the guests were enjoying it.
Abby, is there anything guests can do about it? I am not complaining about music in general. It's only the very loud music I resent, which causes me to go home with a sore throat from shouting.
Do other readers agree? -- ROBERTA BERENS, ENCINO, CALIF.
DEAR ROBERTA: I'm sure many readers will agree with you, depending upon their age. It's a generational thing. Young people tend to favor loud music, which explains why so many have hearing problems in their later years. Had you asked the host, the hostess or even the band leader to tone down the volume -- your request may have fallen on deaf ears.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Resolutions Can Help Families Arm Themselves Against Drugs
DEAR ABBY: I need your help -- and help from America's parents -- in talking with their children about the dangers of drug abuse. From car crashes to lack of productivity in school and at work, to destroying friendships and families, children need to know what drugs REALLY mean. They are disastrous for everyone concerned.
Parents are the core of our team effort. As this new year begins, I'd like parents to resolve to do 10 specific things to keep their families drug-free. I call these the 1999 New Year's Resolutions to Raise Drug-Free Kids. Please share them with your readers, Abby. -- BARRY R. McCAFFREY, DIRECTOR, OFFICE OF NATIONAL DRUG CONTROL POLICY
DEAR BARRY: The longest march begins with a single step. Your resolutions will help parents who are hesitant to discuss illegal drugs with their children. It's a vital dialogue to begin. A Newsweek survey of youth ages 11 to 17 found that parents (86 percent) and grandparents (56 percent) have the greatest influence on young people -- more than TV, movies and music (which scored only 22 percent). Read on:
RESOLUTIONS FOR RAISING DRUG-FREE KIDS
1. START: It's never too early to discourage your children from trying drugs. Protect them by letting them know you care. Even with very young children, this plays an important role in protecting them from drugs. Resolve to start right now.
2. CONNECT: The new year is a time for new beginnings. Begin building lines of communication. Resolve to do things as a family. Spend time together, eat meals together and converse with your kids. Go sledding or skating, read together, play a game, attend services. Show your children that having fun doesn't require drugs.
3. LISTEN: Take a more active interest in your children's lives. Know what they're up to -- what parties they're attending, with whom, what will be served and who will be supervising. Resolve to spend at least 30 minutes a week LISTENING to your kids' cares and concerns.
4. EDUCATE: Spend at least 30 minutes in the next 30 days explaining in simple facts to your kids how drugs can hurt them and destroy their dreams. Then, reinforce that message all year!
5. CARE: Spend at least a few minutes each day telling and showing your children you care about them. Make sure they know how proud you are they are drug-free. Tell them you are always there for them -- no matter what happens. Make sure they know to come to you first for help or information.
6. LEARN: Children today are more sophisticated. In order to educate your children about the danger of drugs, you must first educate yourself. In many cases, you and your children can learn side-by-side. Sit down together in the coming months and learn about the risks drugs pose.
7. SET LIMITS: Show your children you care by declaring limits: THIS family doesn't do drugs. THIS family doesn't hang around with people who do. Enforce these limits. If you say "no drinking and driving," it applies to you, too. Be consistent.
8. GET INVOLVED: Ensure that your community's streets, playgrounds and schools are safe and drug-free. Become active in your PTA. Start or join a community watch group or anti-drug coalition.
9. LEAD: Set an example. Don't drive drugged or drunk; don't let your friends drive impaired. If you, yourself, have a substance abuse problem, use the new year and the support of your loved ones to get help.
10. BE AWARE: Look for the warning signs that your child may be developing a substance abuse problem, and seek help.
READERS: Tomorrow I'll print the warning signs to look for.
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DEAR ABBY: Last year you printed a letter from a retired school teacher, "Sister H.P.M., St. Paul, Minn.," that was so touching I cried when I read it. I cried again when I ran across it recently in my box of clippings.
Won't you please print it again? Our young people need all the positive support they can get. I hope all teachers who read this will follow Sister M's example.-- LORNA QUINN, IRVING, TEXAS
DEAR LORNA: Thank you for requesting that inspirational letter. I'm pleased to run it again:
DEAR ABBY: I have been retired from teaching for many years, and would like to share a lesson I learned that stands out in my memory like no other.
I was young and teaching math at the junior high school level. We had worked hard on a new concept all week, and the students were very stressed. They were frowning, frustrated and carping at each other and me. Wanting to stop the crankiness before it got out of hand, I asked the students in the room to take out two sheets of paper and list the names of the other students in the room, leaving a space between each name. Then I told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish the assignment. When the students handed me the papers and left, they seemed more relaxed.
That weekend, I wrote the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper and listed what the students had said about that individual. On Monday, I gave each student his or her list. Before long, everyone was smiling. "Really?" I heard one whisper. "I never knew that meant anything to anyone." "I didn't know anyone liked me that much!"
The assignment was never mentioned again, but it didn't matter, because the exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students felt better about themselves and each other.
Years later, I was asked to attend the funeral of one of those students, a promising young man even when I taught him in junior high school. I was deeply saddened by his untimely death in Vietnam.
The church was packed with "Mark's" friends, many of whom had been his classmates and students of mine. After the funeral, I and many of Mark's former classmates were invited to his parents' house. They approached me and said, "We want to show you something. Mark was carrying this when he was killed." His father pulled something from a wallet. It was the list of all the good things Mark's classmates had said about him. "Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."
A group of Mark's classmates overheard the exchange. One smiled sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in my top desk drawer at home." Another said, "I have mine, too. It's in my diary." "I put mine in our wedding album," said a third. "I bet we all saved them," said a fourth. "I carry mine with me at all times."
That's when I finally sat down and cried. The lesson my former students taught me that day became a standard in every class I taught for the rest of my teaching career. -- SISTER H.P.M., ST.PAUL, MINN.
DEAR SISTER H.P.M.: Your students were fortunate, indeed. They learned at an early age that "Good words are worth much, and cost little." (George Herbert, 1593-1633)
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