Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Resolutions Can Help Families Arm Themselves Against Drugs
DEAR ABBY: I need your help -- and help from America's parents -- in talking with their children about the dangers of drug abuse. From car crashes to lack of productivity in school and at work, to destroying friendships and families, children need to know what drugs REALLY mean. They are disastrous for everyone concerned.
Parents are the core of our team effort. As this new year begins, I'd like parents to resolve to do 10 specific things to keep their families drug-free. I call these the 1999 New Year's Resolutions to Raise Drug-Free Kids. Please share them with your readers, Abby. -- BARRY R. McCAFFREY, DIRECTOR, OFFICE OF NATIONAL DRUG CONTROL POLICY
DEAR BARRY: The longest march begins with a single step. Your resolutions will help parents who are hesitant to discuss illegal drugs with their children. It's a vital dialogue to begin. A Newsweek survey of youth ages 11 to 17 found that parents (86 percent) and grandparents (56 percent) have the greatest influence on young people -- more than TV, movies and music (which scored only 22 percent). Read on:
RESOLUTIONS FOR RAISING DRUG-FREE KIDS
1. START: It's never too early to discourage your children from trying drugs. Protect them by letting them know you care. Even with very young children, this plays an important role in protecting them from drugs. Resolve to start right now.
2. CONNECT: The new year is a time for new beginnings. Begin building lines of communication. Resolve to do things as a family. Spend time together, eat meals together and converse with your kids. Go sledding or skating, read together, play a game, attend services. Show your children that having fun doesn't require drugs.
3. LISTEN: Take a more active interest in your children's lives. Know what they're up to -- what parties they're attending, with whom, what will be served and who will be supervising. Resolve to spend at least 30 minutes a week LISTENING to your kids' cares and concerns.
4. EDUCATE: Spend at least 30 minutes in the next 30 days explaining in simple facts to your kids how drugs can hurt them and destroy their dreams. Then, reinforce that message all year!
5. CARE: Spend at least a few minutes each day telling and showing your children you care about them. Make sure they know how proud you are they are drug-free. Tell them you are always there for them -- no matter what happens. Make sure they know to come to you first for help or information.
6. LEARN: Children today are more sophisticated. In order to educate your children about the danger of drugs, you must first educate yourself. In many cases, you and your children can learn side-by-side. Sit down together in the coming months and learn about the risks drugs pose.
7. SET LIMITS: Show your children you care by declaring limits: THIS family doesn't do drugs. THIS family doesn't hang around with people who do. Enforce these limits. If you say "no drinking and driving," it applies to you, too. Be consistent.
8. GET INVOLVED: Ensure that your community's streets, playgrounds and schools are safe and drug-free. Become active in your PTA. Start or join a community watch group or anti-drug coalition.
9. LEAD: Set an example. Don't drive drugged or drunk; don't let your friends drive impaired. If you, yourself, have a substance abuse problem, use the new year and the support of your loved ones to get help.
10. BE AWARE: Look for the warning signs that your child may be developing a substance abuse problem, and seek help.
READERS: Tomorrow I'll print the warning signs to look for.
DEAR ABBY: Last year you printed a letter from a retired school teacher, "Sister H.P.M., St. Paul, Minn.," that was so touching I cried when I read it. I cried again when I ran across it recently in my box of clippings.
Won't you please print it again? Our young people need all the positive support they can get. I hope all teachers who read this will follow Sister M's example.-- LORNA QUINN, IRVING, TEXAS
DEAR LORNA: Thank you for requesting that inspirational letter. I'm pleased to run it again:
DEAR ABBY: I have been retired from teaching for many years, and would like to share a lesson I learned that stands out in my memory like no other.
I was young and teaching math at the junior high school level. We had worked hard on a new concept all week, and the students were very stressed. They were frowning, frustrated and carping at each other and me. Wanting to stop the crankiness before it got out of hand, I asked the students in the room to take out two sheets of paper and list the names of the other students in the room, leaving a space between each name. Then I told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish the assignment. When the students handed me the papers and left, they seemed more relaxed.
That weekend, I wrote the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper and listed what the students had said about that individual. On Monday, I gave each student his or her list. Before long, everyone was smiling. "Really?" I heard one whisper. "I never knew that meant anything to anyone." "I didn't know anyone liked me that much!"
The assignment was never mentioned again, but it didn't matter, because the exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students felt better about themselves and each other.
Years later, I was asked to attend the funeral of one of those students, a promising young man even when I taught him in junior high school. I was deeply saddened by his untimely death in Vietnam.
The church was packed with "Mark's" friends, many of whom had been his classmates and students of mine. After the funeral, I and many of Mark's former classmates were invited to his parents' house. They approached me and said, "We want to show you something. Mark was carrying this when he was killed." His father pulled something from a wallet. It was the list of all the good things Mark's classmates had said about him. "Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."
A group of Mark's classmates overheard the exchange. One smiled sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in my top desk drawer at home." Another said, "I have mine, too. It's in my diary." "I put mine in our wedding album," said a third. "I bet we all saved them," said a fourth. "I carry mine with me at all times."
That's when I finally sat down and cried. The lesson my former students taught me that day became a standard in every class I taught for the rest of my teaching career. -- SISTER H.P.M., ST.PAUL, MINN.
DEAR SISTER H.P.M.: Your students were fortunate, indeed. They learned at an early age that "Good words are worth much, and cost little." (George Herbert, 1593-1633)
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Man Gives Up His New Love in Order to Take Back His Old
DEAR ABBY: I can't decide what to do. I am a 44-year-old man. In 1996, my wife left me after 19 years of marriage. I have one daughter who stayed with me during the separation.
During the first year of our split, I tried very hard to persuade my wife to return home, even though I knew she was having an affair with a married man.
In 1997, I finally gave up on wooing her back and started seriously dating a wonderful younger woman. Soon we were madly in love. All my friends and my daughter fell in love with my new love.
My wife, waiting our divorce, saw what was happening and decided she wanted to come back home. After trying so hard for so long and for my daughter's sake, I decided to take my wife back and try again. It has been very difficult. We've been seeing a marriage counselor, but we fight all the time. Every time there's an argument I think of my lost love. We never fought. My wife is very strong-willed and extremely jealous of every woman who speaks to me, although I never cheated on her.
My girlfriend was heartbroken when I broke it off, but she has stayed out of my life for the last six months because she doesn't want to be a home-wrecker. She now knows things aren't going well at home. I have called her a couple of times. She has made it clear she wants me back, but only after the marriage is over.
I am ready to give up again on my wife. She knows I am not happy, and blames me for not trying hard enough. My wife hasn't slept in our bed for two weeks. My friends see the stress and tell me I should go with my heart. I'm torn about what to do. Can you help me decide what would be best for everyone involved? -- MIXED-UP IN MISSOURI
DEAR MIXED-UP: If on some level you didn't want to salvage your marriage, you would have left again instead of writing to me. You and your wife are where you belong right now -- in counseling, trying to resolve your differences. Sometimes putting the spotlight on problems aggravates the pain before it can be healed. Your wife needs to find a way of coping other than sleeping in another bed. Stop calling your ex-girlfriend and telling her how bad things are. It isn't fair to your daughter, your wife or this young woman to keep everyone in limbo. Concentrate your efforts on reviving your marriage. Then, if it doesn't work out, you'll know in your heart you gave 100 percent -- and you won't have to ask me to decide what's right for you. Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: Why are some people offended when you ask them their age?
This question has been puzzling me for years. I am 66. I know it is none of my business how old someone is, and that there are some legal restrictions about asking, but when I meet someone new, I'm tired of asking where they work, live, or if they are married. Perhaps your readers can tell me why some people are so sensitive about the age issue. -- GORDON REOME, CANANDAIGUA, N.Y.
DEAR GORDON: We live in a youth-oriented society, and some older individuals feel less valued because of their age and are sensitive about revealing it. In other societies, age is respected and revered. We could learn from them.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)