Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
DEAR ABBY: Last year you printed a letter from a retired school teacher, "Sister H.P.M., St. Paul, Minn.," that was so touching I cried when I read it. I cried again when I ran across it recently in my box of clippings.
Won't you please print it again? Our young people need all the positive support they can get. I hope all teachers who read this will follow Sister M's example.-- LORNA QUINN, IRVING, TEXAS
DEAR LORNA: Thank you for requesting that inspirational letter. I'm pleased to run it again:
DEAR ABBY: I have been retired from teaching for many years, and would like to share a lesson I learned that stands out in my memory like no other.
I was young and teaching math at the junior high school level. We had worked hard on a new concept all week, and the students were very stressed. They were frowning, frustrated and carping at each other and me. Wanting to stop the crankiness before it got out of hand, I asked the students in the room to take out two sheets of paper and list the names of the other students in the room, leaving a space between each name. Then I told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish the assignment. When the students handed me the papers and left, they seemed more relaxed.
That weekend, I wrote the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper and listed what the students had said about that individual. On Monday, I gave each student his or her list. Before long, everyone was smiling. "Really?" I heard one whisper. "I never knew that meant anything to anyone." "I didn't know anyone liked me that much!"
The assignment was never mentioned again, but it didn't matter, because the exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students felt better about themselves and each other.
Years later, I was asked to attend the funeral of one of those students, a promising young man even when I taught him in junior high school. I was deeply saddened by his untimely death in Vietnam.
The church was packed with "Mark's" friends, many of whom had been his classmates and students of mine. After the funeral, I and many of Mark's former classmates were invited to his parents' house. They approached me and said, "We want to show you something. Mark was carrying this when he was killed." His father pulled something from a wallet. It was the list of all the good things Mark's classmates had said about him. "Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."
A group of Mark's classmates overheard the exchange. One smiled sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in my top desk drawer at home." Another said, "I have mine, too. It's in my diary." "I put mine in our wedding album," said a third. "I bet we all saved them," said a fourth. "I carry mine with me at all times."
That's when I finally sat down and cried. The lesson my former students taught me that day became a standard in every class I taught for the rest of my teaching career. -- SISTER H.P.M., ST.PAUL, MINN.
DEAR SISTER H.P.M.: Your students were fortunate, indeed. They learned at an early age that "Good words are worth much, and cost little." (George Herbert, 1593-1633)
Man Gives Up His New Love in Order to Take Back His Old
DEAR ABBY: I can't decide what to do. I am a 44-year-old man. In 1996, my wife left me after 19 years of marriage. I have one daughter who stayed with me during the separation.
During the first year of our split, I tried very hard to persuade my wife to return home, even though I knew she was having an affair with a married man.
In 1997, I finally gave up on wooing her back and started seriously dating a wonderful younger woman. Soon we were madly in love. All my friends and my daughter fell in love with my new love.
My wife, waiting our divorce, saw what was happening and decided she wanted to come back home. After trying so hard for so long and for my daughter's sake, I decided to take my wife back and try again. It has been very difficult. We've been seeing a marriage counselor, but we fight all the time. Every time there's an argument I think of my lost love. We never fought. My wife is very strong-willed and extremely jealous of every woman who speaks to me, although I never cheated on her.
My girlfriend was heartbroken when I broke it off, but she has stayed out of my life for the last six months because she doesn't want to be a home-wrecker. She now knows things aren't going well at home. I have called her a couple of times. She has made it clear she wants me back, but only after the marriage is over.
I am ready to give up again on my wife. She knows I am not happy, and blames me for not trying hard enough. My wife hasn't slept in our bed for two weeks. My friends see the stress and tell me I should go with my heart. I'm torn about what to do. Can you help me decide what would be best for everyone involved? -- MIXED-UP IN MISSOURI
DEAR MIXED-UP: If on some level you didn't want to salvage your marriage, you would have left again instead of writing to me. You and your wife are where you belong right now -- in counseling, trying to resolve your differences. Sometimes putting the spotlight on problems aggravates the pain before it can be healed. Your wife needs to find a way of coping other than sleeping in another bed. Stop calling your ex-girlfriend and telling her how bad things are. It isn't fair to your daughter, your wife or this young woman to keep everyone in limbo. Concentrate your efforts on reviving your marriage. Then, if it doesn't work out, you'll know in your heart you gave 100 percent -- and you won't have to ask me to decide what's right for you. Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: Why are some people offended when you ask them their age?
This question has been puzzling me for years. I am 66. I know it is none of my business how old someone is, and that there are some legal restrictions about asking, but when I meet someone new, I'm tired of asking where they work, live, or if they are married. Perhaps your readers can tell me why some people are so sensitive about the age issue. -- GORDON REOME, CANANDAIGUA, N.Y.
DEAR GORDON: We live in a youth-oriented society, and some older individuals feel less valued because of their age and are sensitive about revealing it. In other societies, age is respected and revered. We could learn from them.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
One Big Family Is Happier Without Son in Law's Mom
DEAR ABBY: I need some advice. My daughter, her husband and three girls moved into my home when my husband was ill five years ago. They were a big help to me when my husband was terminally ill with cancer. My son-in-law was always there during the night when I needed him. We get along well. He takes care of repairs and I have a free mind. I have my part of the house; they have theirs. They also help with all of the expenses.
My problem is his family -- especially his mother. I never had a mother-in-law. My husband's mother died before I knew him. Every time my son-in-law's mother comes here, she has to criticize something or complain about something. I'm ready to scream. This is my home, and I'm capable of making my own decisions. I may be 80 years old, but I still do volunteer work and keep up on all the local and world news. Reading is my hobby.
I try to deal with the criticism by being thankful for what I have. I have my health, my own home, and I'm still able to handle important things.
Every time I see her coming into the yard I feel like screaming. Other members of the family feel the same way. Abby, can you help me? His family takes over every weekend. I have a beautiful deck, but I don't use it when they're here. -- TRAPPED AT HOME
DEAR TRAPPED: There's no reason why you should have to feel trapped in your own home. You are all adults. It's time for a frank talk with your daughter, your son-in-law and his mother about how her criticism and complaints make you feel. From your description, she has been thoughtless and tactless.
You should be able to enjoy quiet time at home on some weekends if you wish. However, unless you speak up, no one will know how you feel. Please don't be shy or wait to clear the air. If you're "ready to scream," I'd say you're long overdue.
DEAR ABBY: My marriage was in need of repair. My husband and I had been fighting a lot. He told me that if I didn't like it, I could pack my things and go. I cried myself to sleep for nights on end.
One night I couldn't sleep because I was so upset with him. All I could think about were all the things that bugged me about him. I knew that if I didn't banish these negative thoughts from my mind, it would be a long time before I fell asleep. I decided to think, instead, of all the things that I loved about him. I wrote them down on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and placed it in his briefcase.
The next morning, he called me from work to tell me how much he loved me. When he came home that evening, he put my "list" in a frame and hung it on the wall. We hardly ever fight anymore. I get love notes weekly and kisses daily.
I thought some of your readers might like to try this recipe for renewed love. It was so simple -- and well worth the effort. -- HAPPY AGAIN IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR HAPPY AGAIN: What a terrific idea for warming up a glacial marriage. Your list of the things you loved about your husband obviously meant a great deal to him. When we focus only on what a person is doing wrong, we tend to undervalue what he or she is doing right.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)