What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Girlfriend's and Best Friend's Lies Tear Man's Heart Apart
DEAR ABBY: For some time I had suspected my girlfriend of sleeping with someone I had considered my best friend. We all lived in the same college house, so it was a tense situation. When I confronted the two of them, they denied it and I believed them. It was easier than thinking that two people I loved were lying to my face. Soon thereafter I witnessed them in a sex act in his car. I was destroyed, but didn't know how to handle the situation, so I kept quiet.
Since that time, my girlfriend and I have moved to New York for the summer. I have cautiously brought up the subject of infidelity with her on several occasions, but I didn't tell her what I had seen. I was trying to give her an opportunity to tell me the truth; the truth is all I've ever asked of her. She repeatedly denied that anything had happened, going so far as to become angry with me for suspecting her. The pain of her lies is nearly unbearable.
Abby, I love them both so much and have no idea how to proceed. I feel like a doormat, a cuckold, a fool; however, I can't bring myself to hate them, even though society dictates that I should. They both mean too much to me to cut them out of my life.
How can my pride be salvaged in a situation like this? Should I allow them to believe their secret is safe? -- DYING INSIDE
DEAR DYING: I don't blame you for feeling hurt. Your girlfriend has not only cheated, she's also proven herself to be a liar -- and your "best friend" has shown he's no better. That combination of punches would floor almost anyone.
You owe it to yourself to tell them what you saw, and that they owe you an explanation. After you get some answers, whether or not you choose to continue either of the relationships is entirely up to you.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Sorry Down South" compels me to write. The description of the office politics surrounding the undeserved firing of a co-worker could easily be what my husband experienced two years ago. As a result, his chances for promotion in his career are now nonexistent.
"Sorry Down South" wants to undo the damage to the co-worker's career. Contacting the man's lawyer would be a good start -- if he has a lawyer. However, I suggest that "Down South" also contact the former co-worker himself. He may be praying for someone to come forward with the truth so he can build a case and hire a lawyer. Equally important, whatever suspicions he may have about the reason for his firing can then be put to rest.
Abby, I'm glad you told "Sorry Down South" to step forward. It could begin a healing process for all concerned. One person's courage in admitting the truth might encourage others to step forward as well.
Please, "Sorry Down South," this man deserves the truth. As the wife of a man who could easily have been your co-worker, I know that it will be received with open arms. -- WIFE WHO'S BEEN THERE
DEAR WIFE: Perhaps my advice, coupled with your plea for justice, will inspire "Sorry" to do the right thing. I'll hold good thoughts for you and your husband. You are in my prayers.
Diners Who Are Rushed Today May Not Come Back Tomorrow
DEAR ABBY: About the restaurant closing time item in your column -- how many restaurateurs did you interview before writing your answer? If my closing time is 9 p.m., that is when we close the door to NEW customers. Whoever arrives before 9 receives our best service until they leave.
Indeed, I do fault the employees and management of the restaurant in question. In my judgment, that restaurant's policy lost a minimum of four future customers in that one incident alone. -- WARD HORNBLOWER PROESCHER, COMMODORE DINING EVENTS, LAYFAYETTE, CALIF.
DEAR WARD: I didn't interview any -- and I apologize for that answer, which generated some eye-opening mail. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: A restaurant's posted closing time means NO ADDITIONAL customers after that time. Or, that's when the kitchen closes. Or, no more food service after that time. But it does NOT mean that the door is locked at the stroke of 9 and diners should stop what they're doing and get out. If a person has been seated 15 minutes before the posted closing time, certainly the expectation is that the customer will have time to eat.
What kind of stupidity allows employees to make a customer's dinnertime so miserable that they not only won't return, but will surely tell all their friends about their experience? That's no way to do business. I think the restaurant was at fault. -- S. DAVID IN SHERMAN OAKS, CALIF.
DEAR S. DAVID: After chewing on it for a while, I must agree. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Speaking as a lifetime restaurant worker, the posted closing time is when no more customers are allowed into the restaurant. Guests entering before that time have the right to receive the same quality of service as those entering at the height of business hours.
Owners and managers who care about their guests would have disciplined employees acting like those at the restaurant in San Carlos.
The problem with that restaurant, and too many others, is the employees forgot the most important rule of proper service: Guests are never an inconvenience. Guests are our livelihood! Without them, we might as well be dishing out food at a school cafeteria, instead of practicing the fine art of restaurant service, one in which many of us take a great deal of pride. -- DONNA WILLIAMS, NASHVILLE, TENN.
DEAR DONNA: I stand corrected, but I did receive a small percentage of mail such as the following:
DEAR ABBY: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for the terrific answer to "Disappointed Diner in San Carlos, Calif." I have worked in food service for 30 years, 23 of which have been in management. Closing time for late customers has always been a problem. For some reason, people think that when the last customer leaves, all the manager and crew have to do is lock the doors and go home.
We want customers to have a pleasant dining experience, and most people do respect our closing times. However, I have seen many instances where my entire crew has been held up for two hours due to inconsiderate customers. Sometimes I feel like asking customers how they would like to stay an extra two hours at their jobs after their scheduled quitting time! -- JILL IN CULVER CITY, CALIF.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Father in Law Has No Desire to Share His Birthday Wishes
DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law is loud and opinionated, but his latest statement takes the cake. I am due to give birth to a baby on his birthday in September. He has made a pronouncement to the entire family that he will be very upset if I have the baby on his birthday, as he doesn't want to share that day. This is no joke.
The rest of the family hopes I have the baby on this date just to spite him. I wish I were a million miles away. Frankly, at eight months pregnant in the Texas heat, I don't have much of a sense of humor left. I would like the birth of my baby to be a time of joy, not the punchline of some sort of adolescent-level joke. -- HOT AND TIRED IN TEXAS
DEAR HOT AND TIRED: Your father-in-law is talking as though the Texas heat has addled his brain. He should regard the arrival of his grandchild as the ultimate birthday gift -- not competition. Shame on him. You may have to listen to the braying of a jackass, but you don't have to validate it.
DEAR ABBY: The man who lamented the snickers and insults he endured from strangers who interpreted his holding his mentally disabled son's hand as a sign of "homosexual bonding" has experienced the discrimination and contempt that gays and lesbians experience every day.
He should be concerned less with freeing these snickerers of their "mistaken notions" and more with promoting the idea that our violent and intolerant society should learn to accept any mutually affectionate gesture of hand-holding, no matter between whom. -- DON IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR DON: I agree with you. But lighten up. Right now the man is too engrossed in his own pain to appreciate the bigger picture.
DEAR ABBY: A local ratio station sponsored a contest where listeners submitted poems about their hometowns. I thought you might like to have a copy of mine. -- LORI J. BENNETT, FORT WORTH, TEXAS
DEAR LORI: You thought right. I like your poem, not to mention your sense of humor. Read on:
MY HOMETOWN
For years I've proclaimed with bravado
To friends and colleagues alike,
That my hometown was in Colorado,
The state with the peak named Pike.
I've boasted of snow and the ski slopes
And of crisp, clear skies of blue.
But my bragging was nothing but false hopes
And so I'm confessing to you:
In truth, it wasn't the Rockies I saw
On the day I was born.
It wasn't a landscape, rugged and raw,
It was only a field of corn.
The purpose of this little ditty
Is so all of the world will see,
I was really born in Sioux City,
Home of Abby, Ann Landers and me!
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)