Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Symptoms of Male Menopause Are Part of Every Man's Life
DEAR ABBY: Some time ago, you gave a very sensitive reply to "Desperate in Delaware," a 50-year-old man with an obsessive attraction to a younger woman.
I have been a psychotherapist for 34 years and have seen too many men destroy their own lives and the lives of those they love because they didn't understand the inevitable changes that occur in a man's body, mind and spirit at midlife.
My understanding of these issues has been greatly expanded since recognizing that men go through a form of "male menopause," generally between the ages of 40 and 55.
Marc Blackman, M.D., chief of endocrinology and metabolism at Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical Center, said, "The male menopause is a real phenomenon and it does similar things to men as menopause does to women, although less commonly and to a lesser extent."
I believe thousands of families could be saved if men and women learned about the newest research findings on this crucial time of life.
-- More than 25 million men in the United States are now going through male menopause.
-- Fifty-two percent of men between the ages of 40 and 70 suffer from some degree of erectile dysfunction.
-- Men, like women, experience complex hormonal rhythms that affect their mood, physical well-being and sexuality.
-- Emotional symptoms include irritability, worry, indecisiveness and depression.
-- Physical symptoms include fatigue, weight gain, short-term memory loss and sleep disturbances.
-- Sexual symptoms include reduced libido, fear of sexual failure, and increased desire to prove he can still perform by seeking a younger partner.
These problems are treatable. If your physician is not familiar with male menopause, ask for a referral to a physician who is. -- JED DIAMOND, DIRECTOR, MEN'S HEALTH CLINIC, LONG VALLEY HEALTH CENTER, LAYTONVILLE, CALIF.
DEAR JED: Over the years, the idea that men experience a midlife change has been joked about. I'm sure many people will be relieved, and others will be surprised, to learn that male menopause is a fact and it is treatable.
DEAR ABBY: A mother complained in a letter to you that she was not permitted by a movie theater to bring in dietetic sweets for her diabetic son. You suggested speaking to the manager.
What you left out was reference to the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). This law clearly establishes that public entities must make "reasonable accommodations" for people affected by a broad variety of challenges they never asked for. Please help us educate people to the basic fairness of this, as well as to their recourse in federal law. -- FRANK H. MARONE, Ph.D., INCLUSION SPECIALIST, SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR DR. MARONE: Thank you for that helpful suggestion. I hope the mother of the diabetic child sees your letter.
Sister's Sense of Entitlement Burns Bridges and Her Brother
DEAR ABBY: Last winter, my sister and brother-in-law informed me they were coming for a 17-day visit. I live in a small cottage with a roommate, whom they have never met. My brother-in-law made reservations at a nearby condominium, which my sister promptly cancelled because it was more than she wanted to spend. (She has always stayed with me for free.)
I didn't ask if they could afford this vacation, and I told them I could help by building an extra room on the cottage for $600, which would save them $1,100. They sent the $600 and construction started. My roommate's brothers worked day and night to finish it in one week. I had just gotten home from major surgery on another island, and it couldn't have been more inconvenient for me to have company. However, I suffered in silence.
From the minute she arrived, my sister acted like I owed her something. Her demeanor embarrassed me and her holier-than-thou attitude was inappropriate. I had to work most of the time they were here because I was financially strapped from losing work due to my illness. They had access to my cottage on the beach, TV, stereo, new bed, telephone, etc., but nothing seemed to please her.
Before she left I told her to stop telling me what to do, which she denied doing and got her husband involved in our discussion. She has burned all her bridges with our family and I was her last relative to abuse. Should I have not taken the money for an addition to the cottage and let them fend for themselves when they got here, or just told them I was not in a position for company? -- USED-UP BROTHER IN HAWAII
DEAR USED-UP BROTHER: Yes and yes. Your sister now feels she "owns" a room in your cottage.
If I were you, I'd return the $600, roll up the welcome mat and change my phone number.
DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from the church elder who was concerned with an overweight member who bent the church's folding chairs when sitting on them, causing costly replacements.
This issue has bothered me as well, because I am also overweight. The new trend in building churches seems to be to use folding chairs in the sanctuary instead of pews. Abby, folding chairs are very uncomfortable for overweight people.
Three new churches in our area all use folding chairs because they can be removed to reconfigure the sanctuary into a fellowship hall where tables can be set up. The kitchens are built next to the sanctuary, making it inconvenient for weddings and funerals because after a service, parishioners have to wait for the chairs to be removed, tables set up, chairs placed at the tables and the food transported.
I, for one, will not attend a church anymore where they use folding chairs in the sanctuary. It's very uncomfortable and is difficult to rise from these small chairs.
Your column seems to be the best way to spread the word: Elders, PLEASE go back to using those comfortable benches or pews.
Abby, thank you for allowing me to air this gripe. -- HATES FOLDING CHAIRS, HELENA, MONT.
DEAR HATES FOLDING CHAIRS: I'm sure your problem is shared by many. However, since the folding chairs are bought and paid for, it may take a miracle to turn back the hands of time.
Discuss this problem with your pastor to determine if you can arrive at a compromise. Surely there are funds available for solid, comfortable chairs for large-sized churchgoers. They would pay for themselves in savings in the long run.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Daughter's Jealousy Turns Family Revelry Into Rivalry
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Doreen," and daughter-in-law, "Melanie," don't get along. They used to be good friends and went everywhere together. But from the day Doreen learned that her brother was going to marry Melanie, she did a total reversal. My husband and I can't figure out what went wrong. It is very difficult to have a family function now. Doreen comes in and completely ignores both her brother and his wife.
I finally confronted Doreen and asked her to explain. She told me it appears that we care more for Melanie than we do for her. I told her we try to treat everyone in the family the same, but I think Doreen is jealous of Melanie.
Abby, Melanie has always been nice to my husband and to me, and I'm happy our son married her.
The whole family was at my son's house this past weekend for an anniversary dinner he and Melanie gave for us. It just happened to be Melanie's birthday. Neither of my daughters mentioned it or wished her a happy birthday. They had to have known. Although Doreen talked to our son, both of my daughters ignored Melanie.
I'm at my wit's end. I'm at the point of giving up family gatherings. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. -- DISTRAUGHT IN MISSOURI
DEAR DISTRAUGHT: Doreen told you what's bothering her: She views Melanie as a rival who stole her parents' affection.
I suggest you have a talk with Doreen, and this time, instead of telling her that you try to treat everyone equally, reassure her that as your child she is irreplaceable in your heart. Assure her that, as grateful as you are to Melanie for making your son happy, your feelings for her are not the same as a mother has for a daughter.
Remember: Even though Doreen is behaving childishly, you are all adults. In the final analysis, it's up to Doreen to sort out her feelings and patch up the rift she has created.
DEAR ABBY: "Broke in San Francisco" does not necessarily have to level with his girlfriend about his economic situation. I dated a man in the same boat. He solved the problem by using a little imagination.
He took me on romantic picnics and read poetry aloud to me. We went to the beach at sunset and strolled through the surf hand in hand. He took me to art shows, museums, the zoo. He brought me handpicked field flowers artfully arranged in wine bottles and left sweet notes on my windshield. I could go on, but you get the idea.
It eventually dawned on me that he didn't have a lot of money to spend, but I couldn't have cared less. I felt pampered, spoiled and loved. What was this man doing with all the money he saved? He was paying off the mortgage on his home so I would always have a place to live after we were married. -- LUCKY IN INVERNESS
DEAR LUCKY: What a fine tribute to a special man. You were not only lucky, you were wise to hang on to him. Not everyone is as fortunate as you:
DEAR ABBY: I have a solution for "Broke in San Francisco," who cannot afford to wine-and-dine his girlfriend as before. Marry her; then you'll no longer have to take her out. That's what my ex-husband did. -- DISAPPOINTED IN SAN DIEGO
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)