For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Family History Too Precious to Trust to Computer Disks
DEAR ABBY: I have been a fan for many years. I grew up with my mother reading your column, and have used your wedding booklet to assist with our special day.
The response you gave to "Wondering Mom" about the computer letter left for her child prompts this letter. My father-in-law passed away six years ago, and I would never think of letting someone read a letter intended for one of my children before he or she had a chance to read it. The letter "Wondering"'s father-in-law left for his granddaughter was for HER. Had he wanted anyone else to read it, he would have said so. To let someone else read it before the child did would diminish the special meaning to her.
This grandfather created a wonderful thing that his grandchild will have forever. She may want to keep it as her special link to her grandfather, and she should be the one to decide with whom she shares it. -- LOVING DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, VIENNA, W.VA.
DEAR LOVING DAUGHTER: I disagree. The mother-in-law is mourning the loss of her husband in a more immediate and painful way than the 2-year-old possibly could. The fact that her grandmother had seen the contents of the letter should not make it a less precious link. However, that is not the most important reason why the letter should be shared now with her grandmother. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: There is a genuine tragedy awaiting "Wondering Mom" and anyone else who thinks that storing precious family information on a computer disk is the perfect high-tech solution to the problem of combining preservation and privacy.
By the time her 2 1/2-year-old daughter is old enough to care about her grandfather's autobiography, no one outside a couple of computer museums will be able to retrieve it from the disk -- if she's incredibly lucky. I've been using computers for 20 years, and I have multiple generations of disks gathering dust now that, for all practical purposes, are unreadable. The hardware changes. The software changes. Beware!
If "Wondering Mom" wants to save that document, she should print it out now, giving thought to the printer and print cartridge, on 100 percent cotton or linen rag buffered paper with a neutral pH, and store it in a nondestructive archival folder in a dark, safe place, like a safety deposit vault.
Abby, you should have told her to use the silly disk for a coaster (after printing the file). That way it would be good for SOMETHING. -- DENNIS GRAFFLIN, PROFESSOR OF HISTORY, BATES COLLEGE, LEWISTON, MAINE
DEAR PROFESSOR GRAFFLIN: Thank you for offering your computer expertise, and warning my readers not to blindly expect technology to solve their archival problems. In many instances, paper is still the way to go.
DEAR ABBY: I read your column daily and enjoy your articles. I am a 65-year-old federal agent who is totally disabled from a line-of-duty injury.
You might say I've been there -- done that! However, tonight, when I read your response to "An Old Softy in Grand Rapids, Mich.," I was not prepared for "The Rainbow Bridge." I'm not ashamed to admit, I cried! It is sadly beautiful, but gives grieving pet owners hope that they will have their pets meet them down the road, at the Rainbow Bridge. Thank you, Abby. -- JACK IN DALLAS
DEAR JACK: I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried when I read your lovely letter. Thank you, Jack.
Church Conversion Can’t Save Husband From Troubled Past
DEAR ABBY: I met my husband in church where he had recently been "saved." While we were dating, I found out he had come from a nonreligious, alcoholic home, but he told me how much he wanted to be a better husband and father than his father had been. The first few years I actually believed him when he said I had spiritual problems and was not submissive enough. I eventually realized it was his way of justifying emotional abuse toward me.
Over the years, he has become more and more distrustful and critical. Everything is black and white to him. Despite the fact that he says "no church I know of is worth going to," I have continued to raise the children in church. I refuse to allow them to become isolated and insist they participate in activities that interest them. I make sure they are around families who are good relationship models. I secretly went to counseling for a while. I have a lot of prayer support.
Why am I writing? Because I've known a number of women over the years who have found themselves in similar or even worse situations. They married a man from an alcoholic or abusive background who had a "religious experience." In every case, including mine, the man swept her off her feet and was in a big rush to marry.
No matter how much in love a woman is, if a man comes from a troubled background, she should be VERY careful. Some men truly change, but many slip back into patterns that are familiar to them, and then the wife and family become the targets of his anger and pain.
What I would have seen during a long engagement was that my husband swings between being the greatest guy in the world to being angry, depressed and controlling. It's not true that only women from troubled families will be attracted to such men.
Abby, please don't try to contact me, as I save "rocking the boat" for important issues, like those affecting the children. I just want to help others avoid what I have experienced. If I had known at the beginning what I know now, I'd have had a greater chance to get my husband into counseling, and we might have a better marriage than we have now. -- FRUSTRATED, BUT COPING
DEAR FRUSTRATED: I agree with some -- but not all -- of the points you have made. The myth of "Prince Charming" is difficult to dispel because girls take it with them from early childhood into young womanhood. Long engagements and premarital counseling make sense, if both parties are willing to take off the rose-colored glasses and take a good look at each other. (Who was it who said that the marriage contract should be invalid, because both parties enter into it while they're insane?)
You have a keen insight into your husband and the core issues that trouble your marriage, and for that, I congratulate you. Obviously the counseling you sought was of value, and you are in this for the long haul.
Of course, women who are dating men from troubled backgrounds should look closely at what they might be taking on, but so should men who are dating women from dysfunctional families. Counseling is very helpful to people who sincerely want to change and are willing to work on their issues.
I hope one day your husband recognizes that with some effort on his part, you both could have a happier marriage.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Amateur in Romance Should Take Lessons From the Pros
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 40-year-old man who is a former epileptic. I lived a very sheltered life until 1994, when I had surgery that successfully eradicated my seizures. Only after the surgery, when I tried to live a normal life, did I realize how protected I had been.
Finally last year, I married a wonderful woman. We have a good relationship, but I would like to make it even better. She is a romantic, and I'm very inexperienced in that department. I don't understand much when it comes to romancing my wife. I would greatly appreciate any advice you can give me on romance. -- ROMANTICALLY ROCKY
DEAR ROCKY: Many women wish their husbands would ask this question. Being a willing student is the perfect first step. Look around you. Romance is everywhere, once you open your eyes to it. Learn from other couples who act as if they are in love. Watch their body language -- it's almost as though the rest of the world doesn't exist. Paying focused attention to your partner is romantic. So is thoughtfulness. Listen to your wife's cues. Study up. Read books -- there are many written on every aspect of romance. Watch classic romantic movies and pay attention to the small things the hero does. You'll get the picture. Then practice, practice, practice! Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: About three weeks ago, my girlfriend of five years and I had a terrible argument. We didn't speak for a week. During that time, I met another young lady whom I really started to like. She's seven months pregnant and is having a lot of problems with the baby's father, and I don't want to be in the middle of anything.
Now I'm really starting to miss my old girlfriend. Maybe I got involved with another relationship too soon. I don't know what to do. Can you please help me? -- OVER MY HEAD IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR OVER MY HEAD: The solution to your problem is to be honest with both of these women. The girl who's seven months pregnant has problems of her own to resolve with the baby's father. And your girlfriend of five years needs to hear that you miss her. Don't procrastinate. The sooner you resolve this, the better for all concerned.
DEAR ABBY: I have a big problem. It's my ex-boyfriend. We play in the same basketball club, so we see each other every day. He looks at me all the time. He can't take his eyes off me.
What does he want? And what should I do? He's very, very shy. -- CAROLINE IN BERELDANGE, LUXEMBOURG
DEAR CAROLINE: He keeps looking because he still finds you attractive. If you feel the same about him, be approachable without being too aggressive -- which can intimidate a shy young man. When you see him, smile and say hello. If you need help perfecting a shot, ask him for some pointers. After that, as the old saying goes, "The ball's in his court."
CONFIDENTIAL TO "CAN'T FORGIVE IN MINOT, N.D.": Try harder. As Benjamin Disraeli put it, "Life is too short to be small."
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)