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Couple Seeks to Find a Way of Making Love and Not War
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I fight a lot. It has been going on for a year now. Every day we have an argument in which we yell, scream and put each other down. The language gets very ugly. These episodes are triggered by trivial things. We resolve these arguments by ignoring each other or by going to sleep. The next day, it's as if nothing had happened and we're fine until the next argument.
Our families and friends have no idea, since we're very private about our fighting. They all think we're a "perfect" couple and frequently ask about our wedding plans. I don't want them to know because I feel embarrassed about our behavior.
We both grew up in emotionally abusive homes and both sets of parents are divorced. I was abandoned by my father and my boyfriend was abandoned by his mother. We don't want to end up like our parents, but I'm afraid the cycle is continuing. We want to marry and have children, but I'm afraid of how our family would turn out if we did.
I am depressed and stressed because of this. We love each other very much and want to get help to change our behavior, but money is tight. We're both college students and can't afford therapy. Any advice, Abby? -- IN LOVE AND FIGHTING
DEAR IN LOVE AND FIGHTING: Go to the student health center and ask to speak with a counselor. Free or low-cost counseling is offered to students on most college and university campuses. You and your boyfriend need to understand what is triggering these outbursts and learn to constructively vent your frustrations.
Since you both recognize there is a problem and are willing to work on it, I'm sure it can be solved. I commend you for wanting to do something about it before this relationship goes any further. That's mature thinking. I wish you both the best.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have taken several vacations with his mother ("Jane") in the past. Because last Christmas was her first holiday as a widow, we took her with us to the Caribbean. The trip was a disaster. Jane complained incessantly that she didn't like the island because it wasn't as nice as her home. I told my husband that I wouldn't spend another vacation with her because she ruined it for all of us.
This year we planned a vacation to Maui where my sister-in-law lives. We planned on keeping this a secret because we wanted to go with just our immediate family. Unfortunately, our daughter spilled the beans.
Jane now plans to go to Maui at the same time we'll be there. We are staying in a home and will have an extra bed. I am worried that she will stay with us, or plan to spend all the time with us and ruin another vacation. My husband does not want to tell her she is not welcome to come along because he's afraid it may destroy their relationship.
Abby, we work very hard and look forward to spending our annual week's vacation with our children. How can I let Jane know she is not welcome to come with us? -- DESPERATE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
DEAR DESPERATE: Face it -- you can't. Your daughter spilled the beans and you are stuck. There's no way you can tell your mother-in-law you don't want her to join you without causing a rift, so be a good sport. If I were you, I'd start looking for a place where Jane could stay in Maui -- someplace close to you that's "as nice as her home." Better luck next year.
ELDERLY KNOW-IT-ALL MAKES FAMILY'S LIFE MISERABLE
DEAR ABBY: How can you get through to an 87-year-old father who thinks he knows everything? You can't imagine how difficult it is to live with someone who "knows everything" and is wrong 90 percent of the time.
"Papa Luke" has lived with my husband and me for the last eight years. When I had the opportunity to purchase separate but equal living arrangements, I foolishly ignored my initial instincts.
He is a very controlling person. He has to be involved and have a say in everything that goes on in MY house. People outside the family think Papa Luke is terrific, but they don't witness the intimidation, the controlling and the tantrums this family must deal with almost on a daily basis.
I find myself having to lie to him when I want to go shopping or visit my children, because if he hears the plans do not include him, he will fake illness so that I must alter my plans. Sitting down and talking won't solve the problem because he's stubborn and doesn't view himself as the family does.
When I find the nerve to put my foot down and refuse to cater to him, he calls me selfish and throws a fit. I can't plan anything social at the house because he takes over the planning and then the actual event. The grandchildren limit their visits because they don't want to put up with him and they don't see how I do.
Thanks for letting me vent, Abby. Can you provide some words of wisdom to help my family survive this no-win situation? -- PAPA LUKE'S PRISONER, FORT WORTH, TEXAS
DEAR PRISONER: Although the henhouse belongs to you, your father seems to be ruling the roost. It's up to you to change the balance of power. Since he's a bundle of energy, try to find him an outlet. Surely there are senior citizen groups in your area. Waste no time in finding one for Papa Luke. It might provide the respite you need.
In the meantime, perhaps it will preserve your sanity to repeat the following prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
DEAR ABBY: Could you please inform your readers that if they rent a post office box from a private company and then change addresses, they cannot use the U.S. Postal Service to have their mail forwarded? It is their sole responsibility to inform anyone they have dealings with that they are moving.
I work for the U.S. Postal Service, and it's amazing how many people don't know this. If they want a P.O. box from which they can have mail forwarded, they must use the official U.S. Postal Service. -- POSTAL WORKER IN AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR POSTAL WORKER: I was unaware of it. I'm sure it will also be news to many of my readers. Thank you for pointing this out.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Divorced Dad Is Glad He Chose Family Over Fortune
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Heartbroken in Oregon," the man who is in the middle of a divorce and whose wife now wants to move their daughter out of state, really hit home. In the beginning, our divorce was far from friendly. However, we finally got over our anger and got back to the business of raising our two beautiful children. We now have a 50-50 custody arrangement, and our son and daughter are happy and well-adjusted.
Last year I was offered the job of a lifetime. It meant more money, more prestige and tremendous potential for advancement. It also meant moving thousands of miles away from my family.
My career has always been important to me and this offer was quite a prize. My ex-wife and I discussed the situation at length. We explored all possible options, but focused always on our main objective -- the best interests of the children. Ultimately, we decided that it would be best for me to turn down the job and remain in California. My ex-wife couldn't afford to relocate, and she and I agreed that the children still need both of us around on a full-time basis. Obviously, this was a huge sacrifice on my part, but one I gladly made.
Your response to "Heartbroken" was appropriate when you advised him to consider moving closer to Florida to be near his daughter. I take exception, however, to your remark that the little girl "belongs with her mother." I grew up in a family with an absentee father, so I know firsthand the pain such a situation can cause. That's why I am committed to making ANY sacrifice necessary to stay close to my kids.
Both "Heartbroken" and his ex sound as if they are thinking only of themselves. They need to buck up, quit whining, and get to work at being parents. -- LOVING THE DADDY GIG IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR LOVING THE DADDY GIG: Many readers disagreed with my statement that the little girl belongs with her mother. Since the father seemed agreeable to moving near his daughter in the future, I think my answer was on target. A short separation from her father will not have long-term effects on the child if she understands it is only temporary.
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Well-Fed in Sacramento," who was ashamed when those treating her to dinner left inadequate tips: Why doesn't SHE offer to leave the tip? This is a polite response when one party insists on paying, and it would relieve her of the embarrassment of the host leaving an insufficient tip. -- LIKES TO EAT OUT IN BOONTON, N.J.
DEAR LIKES TO EAT OUT: Now why didn't I think of that? It would work nicely if the hosts would allow it. If not, the guest could take my suggestion of leaving additional money quietly as he or she leaves the table.
DEAR ABBY: This guy (I'll call him Alan) and I broke up a few months ago. I have dated others, but he's constantly on my mind. I want to tell Alan how I feel, but I'm afraid the feelings won't be returned. To complicate matters, three of my girlfriends also have crushes on him. Nobody but me knows how I feel, and I can't take it any more. What should I do? -- HOT FOR ALAN IN BRAIDWOOD, ILL.
DEAR HOT FOR ALAN: It would have been helpful had you mentioned which one of you ended the relationship. If YOU did, there might be a chance Alan will be receptive if you confide to him that he's the kind of man who isn't easily forgotten. If HE did, stay silent.
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