Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
ELDERLY KNOW-IT-ALL MAKES FAMILY'S LIFE MISERABLE
DEAR ABBY: How can you get through to an 87-year-old father who thinks he knows everything? You can't imagine how difficult it is to live with someone who "knows everything" and is wrong 90 percent of the time.
"Papa Luke" has lived with my husband and me for the last eight years. When I had the opportunity to purchase separate but equal living arrangements, I foolishly ignored my initial instincts.
He is a very controlling person. He has to be involved and have a say in everything that goes on in MY house. People outside the family think Papa Luke is terrific, but they don't witness the intimidation, the controlling and the tantrums this family must deal with almost on a daily basis.
I find myself having to lie to him when I want to go shopping or visit my children, because if he hears the plans do not include him, he will fake illness so that I must alter my plans. Sitting down and talking won't solve the problem because he's stubborn and doesn't view himself as the family does.
When I find the nerve to put my foot down and refuse to cater to him, he calls me selfish and throws a fit. I can't plan anything social at the house because he takes over the planning and then the actual event. The grandchildren limit their visits because they don't want to put up with him and they don't see how I do.
Thanks for letting me vent, Abby. Can you provide some words of wisdom to help my family survive this no-win situation? -- PAPA LUKE'S PRISONER, FORT WORTH, TEXAS
DEAR PRISONER: Although the henhouse belongs to you, your father seems to be ruling the roost. It's up to you to change the balance of power. Since he's a bundle of energy, try to find him an outlet. Surely there are senior citizen groups in your area. Waste no time in finding one for Papa Luke. It might provide the respite you need.
In the meantime, perhaps it will preserve your sanity to repeat the following prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
DEAR ABBY: Could you please inform your readers that if they rent a post office box from a private company and then change addresses, they cannot use the U.S. Postal Service to have their mail forwarded? It is their sole responsibility to inform anyone they have dealings with that they are moving.
I work for the U.S. Postal Service, and it's amazing how many people don't know this. If they want a P.O. box from which they can have mail forwarded, they must use the official U.S. Postal Service. -- POSTAL WORKER IN AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR POSTAL WORKER: I was unaware of it. I'm sure it will also be news to many of my readers. Thank you for pointing this out.
Divorced Dad Is Glad He Chose Family Over Fortune
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Heartbroken in Oregon," the man who is in the middle of a divorce and whose wife now wants to move their daughter out of state, really hit home. In the beginning, our divorce was far from friendly. However, we finally got over our anger and got back to the business of raising our two beautiful children. We now have a 50-50 custody arrangement, and our son and daughter are happy and well-adjusted.
Last year I was offered the job of a lifetime. It meant more money, more prestige and tremendous potential for advancement. It also meant moving thousands of miles away from my family.
My career has always been important to me and this offer was quite a prize. My ex-wife and I discussed the situation at length. We explored all possible options, but focused always on our main objective -- the best interests of the children. Ultimately, we decided that it would be best for me to turn down the job and remain in California. My ex-wife couldn't afford to relocate, and she and I agreed that the children still need both of us around on a full-time basis. Obviously, this was a huge sacrifice on my part, but one I gladly made.
Your response to "Heartbroken" was appropriate when you advised him to consider moving closer to Florida to be near his daughter. I take exception, however, to your remark that the little girl "belongs with her mother." I grew up in a family with an absentee father, so I know firsthand the pain such a situation can cause. That's why I am committed to making ANY sacrifice necessary to stay close to my kids.
Both "Heartbroken" and his ex sound as if they are thinking only of themselves. They need to buck up, quit whining, and get to work at being parents. -- LOVING THE DADDY GIG IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR LOVING THE DADDY GIG: Many readers disagreed with my statement that the little girl belongs with her mother. Since the father seemed agreeable to moving near his daughter in the future, I think my answer was on target. A short separation from her father will not have long-term effects on the child if she understands it is only temporary.
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Well-Fed in Sacramento," who was ashamed when those treating her to dinner left inadequate tips: Why doesn't SHE offer to leave the tip? This is a polite response when one party insists on paying, and it would relieve her of the embarrassment of the host leaving an insufficient tip. -- LIKES TO EAT OUT IN BOONTON, N.J.
DEAR LIKES TO EAT OUT: Now why didn't I think of that? It would work nicely if the hosts would allow it. If not, the guest could take my suggestion of leaving additional money quietly as he or she leaves the table.
DEAR ABBY: This guy (I'll call him Alan) and I broke up a few months ago. I have dated others, but he's constantly on my mind. I want to tell Alan how I feel, but I'm afraid the feelings won't be returned. To complicate matters, three of my girlfriends also have crushes on him. Nobody but me knows how I feel, and I can't take it any more. What should I do? -- HOT FOR ALAN IN BRAIDWOOD, ILL.
DEAR HOT FOR ALAN: It would have been helpful had you mentioned which one of you ended the relationship. If YOU did, there might be a chance Alan will be receptive if you confide to him that he's the kind of man who isn't easily forgotten. If HE did, stay silent.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Girlfriend's and Best Friend's Lies Tear Man's Heart Apart
DEAR ABBY: For some time I had suspected my girlfriend of sleeping with someone I had considered my best friend. We all lived in the same college house, so it was a tense situation. When I confronted the two of them, they denied it and I believed them. It was easier than thinking that two people I loved were lying to my face. Soon thereafter I witnessed them in a sex act in his car. I was destroyed, but didn't know how to handle the situation, so I kept quiet.
Since that time, my girlfriend and I have moved to New York for the summer. I have cautiously brought up the subject of infidelity with her on several occasions, but I didn't tell her what I had seen. I was trying to give her an opportunity to tell me the truth; the truth is all I've ever asked of her. She repeatedly denied that anything had happened, going so far as to become angry with me for suspecting her. The pain of her lies is nearly unbearable.
Abby, I love them both so much and have no idea how to proceed. I feel like a doormat, a cuckold, a fool; however, I can't bring myself to hate them, even though society dictates that I should. They both mean too much to me to cut them out of my life.
How can my pride be salvaged in a situation like this? Should I allow them to believe their secret is safe? -- DYING INSIDE
DEAR DYING: I don't blame you for feeling hurt. Your girlfriend has not only cheated, she's also proven herself to be a liar -- and your "best friend" has shown he's no better. That combination of punches would floor almost anyone.
You owe it to yourself to tell them what you saw, and that they owe you an explanation. After you get some answers, whether or not you choose to continue either of the relationships is entirely up to you.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Sorry Down South" compels me to write. The description of the office politics surrounding the undeserved firing of a co-worker could easily be what my husband experienced two years ago. As a result, his chances for promotion in his career are now nonexistent.
"Sorry Down South" wants to undo the damage to the co-worker's career. Contacting the man's lawyer would be a good start -- if he has a lawyer. However, I suggest that "Down South" also contact the former co-worker himself. He may be praying for someone to come forward with the truth so he can build a case and hire a lawyer. Equally important, whatever suspicions he may have about the reason for his firing can then be put to rest.
Abby, I'm glad you told "Sorry Down South" to step forward. It could begin a healing process for all concerned. One person's courage in admitting the truth might encourage others to step forward as well.
Please, "Sorry Down South," this man deserves the truth. As the wife of a man who could easily have been your co-worker, I know that it will be received with open arms. -- WIFE WHO'S BEEN THERE
DEAR WIFE: Perhaps my advice, coupled with your plea for justice, will inspire "Sorry" to do the right thing. I'll hold good thoughts for you and your husband. You are in my prayers.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)