To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Baby Shower Hostess Finds Her Pool of Guests Runs Dry
DEAR ABBY: My friend, who is pregnant with her second child, has asked me to give her a baby shower. I don't have a problem entertaining for her, but this is her second pregnancy in two years -- and everyone I've invited refused to attend.
Friends I've talked to think a baby shower is only for the first baby or for babies spaced apart by five to 10 years. Perhaps I would get a better guest response if I didn't invite the same women who were invited to the first baby shower.
Abby, what is the limit for baby showers? How many years between babies, and what is the responsibility of the baby shower hostess? -- BABY SHOWER HOSTESS IN MAINE
DEAR HOSTESS: According to "The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette," a baby shower is not usually given for a second or third child, because the mother already has the essential items from her first child and may not want to put friends who attended the first shower in the position of having to give a second gift.
Instead of a shower, consider a small gathering of close friends at a luncheon or tea. If a guest wants to bring a token gift, an article of baby clothing or an IOU to provide a few frozen meals to the parents after the baby's arrival, it would be a nice gesture.
DEAR ABBY: In response to the gentleman who was married for 54 years and never received a gift from his wife, it is sad that he thinks he is expected to buy her gifts and she feels she has a right to receive them.
My husband and I have been married for 26 years. We have been rich and we have been poor. The gifts we remember the best were those we gave each other when we were poor. We had to be inventive on a budget.
He would go to my favorite beauty salon and buy me inexpensive trial sizes of the little luxuries I would no longer buy myself. They cost less than $10, but they are priceless in my memories.
I gave him one red rose from my yard, a trial size of his favorite candy, a note scented with his favorite perfume telling him a special meal was waiting for him at home in the candlelight. This, too, costs less than $10, but he still brags about it to his friends.
My husband tells me I am wearing his favorite outfit when I am in a sweater and old jeans. I bring him his coffee every morning. We say "I love you" every morning and every night. We kiss goodbye every day, and no night falls without a goodnight kiss. These are our gifts to each other. They cost nothing, but they provide an eternity of loving memories.
My heart goes out to the couple; my recommendation is for them to sit down and talk about all the wonderful reasons they are still together. Forget the old hurts on holidays and start over. It's the little, everyday touches that count -- and they cost nothing. -- CAROL LEDGU, PHOENIX
DEAR CAROL: I agree. The most meaningful gifts are the ones that come from the heart, offered with love. Furthermore, they always seem to "fit" because they are personally tailored to the needs of the recipient.
Free Speech for Students Doesn't End at School Door
DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, a student complained that a teacher forbade the children to discuss "Dear Abby" because it was considered adult material, inappropriate for youngsters. You suggested the students ask the principal what the school's policy is about discussing items they've read in the newspaper.
While they are at it, the students should also ask what the school's policy is regarding the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. Is this a school or a penitentiary? According to the student, this teacher also won't let the kids talk in private. Isn't that teacher disregarding freedom of speech? It also doesn't sound as though there is much freedom of assembly at recess while this teacher is in the guard tower.
From where I sit, the teacher should be applauding these kids for reading the newspaper. -- PRESTON NEAL JONES, HOLLYWOOD, CALIF.
DEAR PRESTON: I couldn't agree more. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter from students who were reprimanded by a teacher for discussing your column at recess infuriated me. I am a senior in high school, and during my 12 years in the school system, I have seen and experienced plenty of censorship. I have seen petitions ruthlessly squelched, and I know some schools ban certain books. However, the incident described in that letter takes the cake. That a teacher should censor a private discussion among friends (which she had no business listening to, I might add) is outrageous, disgusting and un-American.
The First Amendment, which grants Americans the freedom of speech and assembly (among other things), applies to everyone -- even students. The Supreme Court upheld this principle in 1969, in the case of Tinker vs. Des Moines, when it stated: "It can hardly be argued that either students or teacher shed their constitutional rights to freedom of speech at the schoolhouse gate." The court ruled that students have the right to express unpopular opinions as long as they are not being disruptive. Those students were not even expressing an unpopular opinion. They were practicing pure free speech -- private speech among individuals -- which happens to be the most protected form of speech under the Constitution. -- CLAIRE BUSHEY, WILMINGTON, DEL.
DEAR CLAIRE: You are absolutely correct. But I thought the teacher would accept it more readily if he or she heard it from the school principal, rather than the students. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter about the teacher who thinks that your column is only for adults: As kids we attended a Lutheran Bible study camp here in Colorado. I don't remember much about the camp -- it's been so long ago -- but one memory I do have is that we had a group chat about your column. It was led by the principal of our school.
He would read a question and then ask us to pretend that we were Abby and give our answers. I felt pretty good when I nailed your response to a T. As an adult now, I can hardly see where your column would be inappropriate for a child. Thank you for many enjoyable years of columns. -- NATALIE MENTEN, GOLDEN, COLO.
DEAR NATALIE: Thank you. Your letter made my day.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Romance That Began at Work Begins to Waver Outside Office
DEAR ABBY: I am a female in my mid-40s, involved with a 50-year-old man. We were co-workers for 10 years, but we no longer work together. Our relationship began before I left the job.
Now that we're seeing more of each other, I'm getting glimpses of a side of him I didn't know existed. His attitude toward women disturbs me. For example, he recently remarked, "I can take getting into an argument with a man better than I can take an argument with a woman." When I asked him why, he retorted, "Because a man is my equal. But to have to listen to a lot of 'guff' from someone who's a second-class citizen and can never be my equal is ridiculous."
Abby, I was shocked. I found his remark offensive to say the least. Now I'm wondering whether this relationship stands a chance. What do you think? -- L.B. IN BALTIMORE
DEAR L.B.: An intelligent woman such as you can do far better than a man who thinks you and all other women are second-class citizens. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, and this one will be hard to housebreak.
DEAR ABBY: You gave "Wondering What I'm Missing" -- the woman who married young and never had the chance to live life as a single -- good advice, as far as it went.
I was married fresh out of high school and had six children by the time I was 30. I was active in the community, but that didn't stop me from feeling that everything was happening to us as a couple and not to me alone. I discussed my feelings with my husband, and he suggested that I go to college and then enter the workforce. I began evening classes almost immediately.
After college, I joined my husband in business and we also purchased some real estate as an investment. I am now 60 years old, and unfortunately a widow, but I have a real estate portfolio, enough income to retire and travel, and time to spend with our 14 grandchildren.
We go around only once, so "Wondering" should do something to make herself feel important, and stop regretting that she's not single. She can be her own person if she wants to, in spite of being part of a couple, and a mother. -- ELAINE SCHORSCH, FEDERAL WAY, WASH.
DEAR ELAINE: That's sage advice. I hope that "Wondering" will take a page out of your book.
DEAR ABBY: I celebrated my 14th birthday last week. I was very happy with all the gifts I received. However, one thing is bothering me. My grandma, whom I love very much, gave me some movie guest passes. Later, I noticed they had all expired.
I have not told Grandma, and I don't know if I should. If I tell her, how do I do it without sounding rude? I've put off saying anything for fear of doing it wrong. Please help! -- NOT SURE WHAT TO DO
DEAR NOT SURE: I'm not sure either, because I don't know your grandma. Some grandmas would want to know, so they could replace the passes with valid ones you could use. Others might be upset and would prefer not to be told. Ask your parents. They will know what's best in your case.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)