For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife's Birthday Celebration Takes on a Mournful Cast
DEAR ABBY: Last Sunday was my wife's birthday, her first since our marriage in April. I didn't forget it, but the situation is as bad as if I had.
About a month earlier, "Beverly" told me that she would like to spend her first birthday as my wife alone with me. She didn't want anything spectacular -- just the day with me and maybe a nice dinner.
Abby, it completely slipped my mind! I took the initiative and, being a thoughtful husband (I thought), made arrangements to take Beverly to her parents' house for the day. Well, her mood seemed to dim as the day wore on. When she finally told me what was bothering her, I felt terrible. She said I paid no attention to her request.
I would love to take back that one day and start it all over the right way, but I can't. What can I do to make it better now? -- GUILTY IN WILMINGTON, DEL.
DEAR GUILTY: Spend the day alone with her and then treat her to a nice dinner. Apologize for the fact that her birthday celebration is late, and promise that from now on, you'll listen more carefully when she tells you what she wants. Then, for heaven's sake, DO it!
DEAR ABBY: I know that certain items are supposed to be given on specific wedding anniversaries, but I'm not sure what they are. My mother says she used to have a list, but she thought it had changed and she threw it away. Can you help? -- S. MALONEY, WEST ORANGE, N.J.
DEAR S. MALONEY: Your mother is correct. I checked "The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette," entirely rewritten and updated, and found that the list has been revised over the years. This is a current one:
For the first anniversary, clocks; second, china; third, crystal, glass; fourth, electrical appliances; fifth, silverware; sixth, wood; seventh, desk sets, pen and pencil sets; eighth, linen, lace; ninth, leather; 10th, diamond jewelry; 15th, watches; 20th, platinum; 25th, sterling silver; 30th, diamond; 35th, jade; 40th, ruby; 45th, sapphire; 50th, gold; 55th, emerald; 60th, diamond.
DEAR ABBY: Many of the letters in your column have interested me, but the one from "Mom in Denver" really caught my attention.
The best advice I can offer her is to show respect for her children, and they will respect her in return. Children are just little people with feelings. No one wants to be told "Shut up" or "Because I said so."
Respect your children enough to explain what they are doing wrong. Never criticize them in front of others, especially their friends. By respecting them, you are also showing that you love them.
It all comes down to the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. -- GOOD MOM IN MILWAUKEE
CASHLESS OFFICE WORKER GETS CREDIT FOR EVERYONE'S LUNCH
DEAR ABBY: I work in a small office. My colleagues and I occasionally go out together for an informal lunch. We always evenly divide the bill. Invariably, one of my colleagues waits until everyone has contributed his cash portion before collecting the cash and paying the entire bill with his personal credit card.
On the last two occasions, I stated my displeasure with this practice. Most recently, he grew very angry when I criticized him. My contention is that he lacks the courtesy of asking if anyone objects if he uses his personal credit card. Essentially, others could save a trip to the ATM and accrue frequent-flier miles by using their credit card.
My colleague claims that he carries very little cash and sees nothing wrong in his actions. Everyone's goal is to preserve office harmony. If I am in error by objecting to my colleague's practice, I owe him an apology. Perhaps you can advise. -- CURIOUS ABOUT CIVILITY, OAKLAND, CALIF.
DEAR CURIOUS: I see nothing wrong in your co-worker putting the lunch tab on his credit card and pocketing the cash. If, however, you are jealous of the airline credits he is accruing, arrange to alternate with him, putting the lunch bill on your card in the future.
DEAR ABBY: Your Father's Day tribute, "Father Talked to Me," struck a deep chord. The need to speak out welled up within me and I found myself rewriting as I read. This poem was not a struggle to compose; the words flowed like water. They have been locked in my heart since childhood. I hope you will print it so others like me will know they are not alone. -- NATIVE OF NEW ORLEANS
NO PLACE LIKE HOME
My father never seemed to care,
And when I shined was never there.
He criticized from A to Z, but never complimented me.
Accusing, belittling, constantly.
We were never friends; we were always at war.
He showed me no love, nor what fathers are for.
My childhood, akin to something like hell,
The cursing and taunting I remember quite well.
I was beaten with whatever he had in his hand --
A broomstick, a board, or an old frying pan.
Under his workbench I'd hide and I'd cry
While praying to God to please let him die.
Each day I lived in fear, really perplexed,
I never knew what would set him off next.
I could tell no one -- I had no recourse,
For he threatened I'd be the cause for divorce.
My lifetime's achievements were accomplished alone
Because for some kids, there's no place like home.
P.S. An ironic footnote: When his time came, my father died in my arms.
DEAR NATIVE: Your poem touched me deeply. I'm sure it will be meaningful for others who cannot give voice to the pain of their daily lives. Perhaps simply knowing that they are not alone will provide some comfort. Bless you, and them.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Ex Boyfriend on Back Burner Would Like to Shut Off Flame
DEAR ABBY: About four years ago, my girlfriend broke up with me. The relationship didn't end on a happy note. Since then, she has gotten married and had a child. However, she continues to write to me two or three times a year.
She always asks me how I am and if I'm seeing anyone. I think this is a bit odd. I had always thought that when people got married, they moved on and relegated their old relationships to the back of their memories.
I always answer her letters very nicely, and I never ask why she continues to write.
Abby, now I'm wondering if you think she's trying to keep me on the back burner. Or do you think she just wants to be friends? -- MIKE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR MIKE: Writing to a former boyfriend three times a year seems a bit too often to me, and yes, I do think she's trying to keep you on the back burner. If her motives were strictly platonic, you wouldn't hear from her more than once a year.
Since the correspondence is making you uncomfortable, I suggest that you respond with little or no enthusiasm.
DEAR ABBY: I am 22 years old and the mother of a 3-year-old and a 10-month-old. I have a part-time job.
My husband, "Mike," was unemployed for six months, but he has finally gone back to work.
Abby, lately I have been feeling lazy. I want my house to be spic-and-span, but even though I know the work must be done, I'm not motivated. I'm tired of doing everything around the house. When Mike was unemployed, he did the cooking, but he doesn't do it anymore.
I get up at 5 a.m., make Mike's breakfast, pack him a lunch, wake the kids, change their diapers, dress and feed them, prepare their bottles, brush their teeth and get them ready for day care. Then I shower and dress. After that, I drive the kids to day care and Mike to work. He has no driver's license, so I am the family taxi driver. I'm so tired of driving and everything else. Could this be what is making me feel so lazy? I was never like this before.
I worry about the bills that haven't been paid and credit card balances I can't pay. Mike seems to love to spend money on things he wants but does not need. He doesn't put us first. He never asks if the kids need anything. He's concerned only with himself.
Talking to Mike doesn't help. He just says, "Don't worry about it." I worry enough for both of us, and sometimes I find myself daydreaming about our having lots of money so that we would have no problems.
Abby, what can I do about my laziness and feeling so down? -- YOUNG AND LAZY MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: A young mother with two small children and a part-time job has plenty to make her tired, but you show signs of more than fatigue. You appear to be experiencing symptoms of depression. Please consult your doctor as soon as possible, and describe your symptoms. Some professional counseling may be in order. Medication, if you have a chemical imbalance, and a few counseling sessions should help you resolve this and get you back on track.
Since cost is a factor, ask your doctor to refer you to low-cost counseling, or contact family services centers that charge according to your ability to pay.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)