Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Last year my father-in-law passed away. Before he died, he left a letter on a computer disk for my daughter. I believe it is a short history of his life. My daughter is only 2 1/2, so I am saving it to give her when she is old enough to understand it.
Recently my mother-in-law requested a copy of the letter. I feel that since the letter was addressed specifically to my daughter, she should be asked if it's OK for someone else to read it. I personally have not read the letter, although I don't think my father-in-law would mind, but I feel it is a matter of principle. Am I being unreasonable in asking my mother-in-law to wait and ask my daughter herself in a few years' time? -- WONDERING MOM
DEAR WONDERING MOM: Yes. You stated in your letter that you don't think your father-in-law would mind. Why stand on principle when to do so would deny your grieving mother-in-law access to what could be a treasured memory? Let her read the letter. I'm sure your daughter would approve.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were recently invited to the lavish wedding of the daughter of one of my civic club members. I have never met the bride or groom, and I'm unlikely ever to do so. I believe that strangers or even casual acquaintances have no place at something so personal as a wedding. We declined the invitation and sent a nice card with our best wishes.
Abby, this couple went to Italy on their honeymoon. The bride's father is very wealthy. They want for nothing. It is doubtful that anything we could have given them would have measured up. (We are of modest means.)
At our next civic club meeting, the mother of the bride gave me the cold shoulder. She chattered on and on about the wedding and what a nice time everyone had, filling the society columnist seated next to her in on who was there, and the details.
Was I out of line to have sent only a card? Should we have attended the wedding in spite of the fact that we knew neither the groom nor the bride, and would have felt out of place? -- SNOBBED IN SCHENECTADY
DEAR SNOBBED: Don't allow the mother's reaction to rattle you -- you were NOT out of line. You have every right to decline any invitation you wish. A card was appropriate, especially since you know neither the bride nor the groom.
DEAR ABBY: I love your column and I hope you will print this.
When I read the letter from "Lucky Old Guy in Oregon," whose wife is a health fanatic, I remembered the story about the couple who goes to heaven. It's really wonderful -- everything it's cracked up to be, and more. There is beautiful scenery everywhere they look, choirs of angels singing, superlative food and wine, the chance to hobnob with Moses, Jesus, Buddha, Lincoln, Eleanor Roosevelt, or any of the great thinkers.
After a few days, the man turns to his wife and says, "You know, I'm really mad at you."
"Why?" she asks. "What did I do?"
He says, "You and your healthy lifestyle -- no salt, no booze, no sugar, no meat, no cigarettes, walk a mile every day. If it weren't for you, we could have been here 10 years ago!" -- ERIC GORDON, VENICE, CALIF.
DEAR ERIC: I love your sense of humor. Thanks for sending this upper my way.
Mom Should Beat a Retreat When Adult Children Battle
DEAR ABBY: My two grown children ("Ted" and "Alice") love each other dearly but get into frequent tiffs. After the last one, they were not speaking. It was Ted's birthday and Alice was leaving town, so she asked me to give him a card she had chosen.
I knew this card wouldn't go over well. After Alice left, I went to the store and bought a card that I knew expressed how she really feels. I signed her name to it and threw out the other one. I don't think that either one of them will find out what I did.
When Ted opened the card, he was very touched. He really liked it. The card made him happy. Was I wrong to do what I did? -- MOTHER WHO CARES
DEAR MOTHER: Your letter tells me your children are grown, but your actions say otherwise. In this case, the end may have justified the means and your maneuver was relatively harmless. However, it is not your place to mediate between your adult children. Your behavior could easily backfire, so in the future, please resist the urge to meddle.
DEAR ABBY: I'm sure that over the years you have received many letters similar to the one you published from "Grieving in Orange, Texas," who for many years and on her own has visited the frail elderly in convalescent hospitals across the country. She discovered from experience what health-care workers have learned from survey after survey: NATIONALLY, MORE THAN 60 PERCENT OF NURSING HOME RESIDENTS NEVER HAVE A VISITOR. She asked you to urge your readers to visit these isolated seniors.
Your answer was right on, Abby: "The most effective cure for loneliness is caring, human contact." Your column wields a lot of influence for good in our society. Perhaps you could use it to advise these individuals to either join an existing organization formed for this purpose, or to start such an organization in their communities.
The San Francisco Ministry to Nursing Homes (SFMNH) has found from experience that the activity "Grieving" calls for -- visiting people in nursing homes -- needs to be a community effort, not just the efforts of individuals (although I'm not at all discouraging families and friends from visiting). It needs to be well-organized. Volunteer training and support are crucial. When visiting is done in the context of teamwork, it's much easier for the individual, and when volunteers are offered professional training, visits are much more effective. Also, when volunteers have an opportunity to meet and share their experiences, it's much more enjoyable.
SFMNH has a corps of more than 500 volunteers who reach an estimated 1,000 elders in nursing homes each month, with a variety of activities. And we're growing. Other cities are starting similar programs -- Richmond, Va., for instance, and also Tulsa, Okla. There is a growing awareness of the needs and resources for senior citizens.
If your readers are willing to let us know about organizations in their local communities that recruit and train volunteers for this purpose, we will list these organizations on our Web site. Your readers can e-mail us at: info@sfmnh.org. They also can write to us at: 1755 Clay St., San Francisco, Calif. 94109. -- BRENT H. NETTLE, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, SAN FRANCISCO MINISTRY TO NURSING HOMES
DEAR BRENT: Your concept of a nationwide volunteer effort is one way to make a dent in a growing problem as our population ages -- loneliness of the elderly in nursing homes. However, seniors are not the only residents of nursing homes. There is also a population of younger people who suffer from chronic degenerative diseases, and/or the aftermath of gunshot wounds, etc. They, too, need social contacts to bolster their spirits.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband's Elevator Etiquette Slows Down Wife on the Move
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem. My husband and I recently moved to New York City where there are lots of elevators. We're having a minor disagreement over elevator etiquette.
My husband lets all the women exit the elevator before going out himself. This means I have to wait outside the elevator for him to join me so we can continue on our way. He insists he is being polite. I say he is being rude to me by making me wait for him. -- IMPATIENT IN NEW YORK
DEAR IMPATIENT: Your husband is showing good manners by allowing the women to exit the elevator first. The obvious solution to your problem is to remain inside the elevator with your husband and exit with him, or just ahead of him.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the reader who was upset with her doctor's receptionist for asking too many questions. I work for a large medical practice as a phone receptionist. It is my job to prioritize incoming calls and determine which are emergencies, how soon patients need to be seen, and how much time the doctor will need with them. I'm dedicated to making sure our patients get the care they need, and it's my duty to ask as many questions as I deem necessary to accomplish that. I am not being nosy, and I am never rude to patients -- but I am often told that a problem is "none of my business."
I answer hundreds of phone calls a day -- with problems ranging from colds to heart attacks, acne to suicide attempts. I've had people with chest pains tell me they can wait two weeks to see the doctor, and people with warts tell me they need an emergency appointment. I've had a patient schedule an appointment for a cough who was actually suffering from depression -- both would need to be seen quickly, but one is for 15 minutes and the other needs an hour appointment. (Yes, we did run an hour behind for the rest of the day's schedule.)
Most people who call do not have a medical background, and cannot be objective about their problems. At least 25 percent of the callers do not want to give me any information. I am legally bound to keep all patient information private, and there's nothing any of them could tell me that I haven't heard before.
If you are uncomfortable with certain words, be a little creative: Say "stress" if depression makes you uncomfortable, "diet counseling" if you suffer from obesity. But please don't tell me "allergies" if you mean substance abuse, and "I'm sick" isn't quite enough information.
Abby, every call we receive is important, and I don't want to keep callers on the line any longer than I have to, so please inform your readers that if I stop to ask a few questions about a patient's condition, it's because I'm concerned about them and am trying to help. This is what the doctor hired me to do. -- MEDICAL RECEPTIONIST
DEAR RECEPTIONIST: Perhaps this is a problem of perception, but many patients regard their medical problems as something very personal. They perceive questions from a receptionist -- however well-intentioned -- as an attempt to intervene in their relationship with their doctor, and they react defensively. I hope your letter will give these people some food for thought.
I have heard from other medical receptionists who also felt I was too harsh in labeling the receptionist mentioned in the letter as "undiplomatic" without hearing her side first, and advising the writer to discuss her feelings with her doctor. However, if I were the doctor, and one of my employees was perceived as heavy-handed, I would want to know so that I could counsel that person.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)