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Husband's Elevator Etiquette Slows Down Wife on the Move
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem. My husband and I recently moved to New York City where there are lots of elevators. We're having a minor disagreement over elevator etiquette.
My husband lets all the women exit the elevator before going out himself. This means I have to wait outside the elevator for him to join me so we can continue on our way. He insists he is being polite. I say he is being rude to me by making me wait for him. -- IMPATIENT IN NEW YORK
DEAR IMPATIENT: Your husband is showing good manners by allowing the women to exit the elevator first. The obvious solution to your problem is to remain inside the elevator with your husband and exit with him, or just ahead of him.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the reader who was upset with her doctor's receptionist for asking too many questions. I work for a large medical practice as a phone receptionist. It is my job to prioritize incoming calls and determine which are emergencies, how soon patients need to be seen, and how much time the doctor will need with them. I'm dedicated to making sure our patients get the care they need, and it's my duty to ask as many questions as I deem necessary to accomplish that. I am not being nosy, and I am never rude to patients -- but I am often told that a problem is "none of my business."
I answer hundreds of phone calls a day -- with problems ranging from colds to heart attacks, acne to suicide attempts. I've had people with chest pains tell me they can wait two weeks to see the doctor, and people with warts tell me they need an emergency appointment. I've had a patient schedule an appointment for a cough who was actually suffering from depression -- both would need to be seen quickly, but one is for 15 minutes and the other needs an hour appointment. (Yes, we did run an hour behind for the rest of the day's schedule.)
Most people who call do not have a medical background, and cannot be objective about their problems. At least 25 percent of the callers do not want to give me any information. I am legally bound to keep all patient information private, and there's nothing any of them could tell me that I haven't heard before.
If you are uncomfortable with certain words, be a little creative: Say "stress" if depression makes you uncomfortable, "diet counseling" if you suffer from obesity. But please don't tell me "allergies" if you mean substance abuse, and "I'm sick" isn't quite enough information.
Abby, every call we receive is important, and I don't want to keep callers on the line any longer than I have to, so please inform your readers that if I stop to ask a few questions about a patient's condition, it's because I'm concerned about them and am trying to help. This is what the doctor hired me to do. -- MEDICAL RECEPTIONIST
DEAR RECEPTIONIST: Perhaps this is a problem of perception, but many patients regard their medical problems as something very personal. They perceive questions from a receptionist -- however well-intentioned -- as an attempt to intervene in their relationship with their doctor, and they react defensively. I hope your letter will give these people some food for thought.
I have heard from other medical receptionists who also felt I was too harsh in labeling the receptionist mentioned in the letter as "undiplomatic" without hearing her side first, and advising the writer to discuss her feelings with her doctor. However, if I were the doctor, and one of my employees was perceived as heavy-handed, I would want to know so that I could counsel that person.
Teacher's Lesson Plan Unravels When Fiance Comes Home Late
DEAR ABBY: I am 30 years old and an art teacher. My fiance (I'll call him Jack) and I live together in my home. Every Tuesday night, he goes out to the clubs with his friends and returns at 3 or 4 a.m. It has bothered me for a long time and I've told him so, but I haven't issued any ultimatums.
Last week after Jack left, I was feeling particularly lonely, so I phoned the club and asked him to come home, telling him I had heard noises and was frightened. He seemed annoyed but he promised to be home by midnight.
I then called a girlfriend to vent some steam and she came over. As we talked, we began to scheme, and finally decided to give Jack a good scare by making him think I had been robbed while he was away. I sat in a kitchen chair giggling while my girlfriend tied my arms behind me and gagged me. She used enough rope to restrain a bull, so it was very convincing. She left at 11:30 and I waited (I couldn't do anything else) for Jack to return.
He did not return by midnight. By 1 a.m. I began squirming, but I couldn't get loose. When he finally did return at 1:30 a.m., I was in such a fury that he had difficulty untying me. He was very upset and insisted we call the police, so I had to tell him it was a hoax. That made him furious.
Jack apologized for returning late and thinks I should apologize for the stunt. I refused, and he has barely spoken to me since. Should I apologize? -- FIT TO BE TIED
DEAR FIT TO BE TIED: Yes. There are more mature ways to get your point across than crying wolf on his night to howl. If you're seriously considering a future with Jack, you must come to some agreement about his night out with the boys. Since you find yourself at loose ends on that night, rather than lying to him, consider signing up for a night class, or establishing your own Tuesday night out with friends.
DEAR ABBY: A year ago, I asked my fiance's sister to be the maid of honor in our wedding. I felt it was important to make sure his family didn't feel left out, as we live five states apart.
Abby, my sister-in-law will be getting married later this year. She has asked my husband to be an usher, but I have been excluded from the wedding party. My in-laws and I have had some tense moments. I feel this is a slap in the face, and I can't seem to shake the feeling.
Should I say anything to my in-laws about how hurt I feel? My husband and I come from two very different backgrounds, so I'm afraid it would not be well received and would cause more bad feelings. Sign me ... ISOLATED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR ISOLATED: A bride's attendants are not chosen to repay the honor of having been chosen to serve in another's wedding. As a general rule, a bride chooses her best friends or sisters to be in her wedding party.
Do not complain to your in-laws, and don't take this so personally. Your sister-in-law probably has enough close friends or sisters to fill the party and was unable to accommodate you. Perhaps she will choose you for some other duty, but if she doesn't, please don't let this dampen family relationships. Give her the benefit of the doubt and rise to the occasion.
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Avalanche of Gifts Smothers Grandchildren's Appreciation
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of three children, all under the age of 12. My problem concerns my in-laws, who are overly generous with the gifts they buy our children. I know of no one else who spends as much or buys as many gifts as my in-laws do on birthdays and Christmas. My mother-in-law buys gifts for all three on each of the children's birthdays so the other two "won't feel bad."
I never need to purchase clothes because they buy so many. I still buy gifts for the kids, but it's simply overkill combined with what they receive from their grandparents. My children actually tire from opening gifts before they finish, and then they have difficulty remembering everything they received. Don't misunderstand; I'm very grateful, but I find their generosity almost absurd. I have asked them to cut back, but it only causes problems between us.
My parents also find my in-laws' generosity overblown. Consequently, about three years ago, they stopped giving the children any gifts at all. When I asked my mother why, she told me she couldn't compete with the other grandparents. Abby, my parents are loving grandparents, but they don't have the kind of money my in-laws do. My husband thinks my parents are terrible for not giving gifts. He insists it's the thought that counts. My mother says why bother when the children are so overwhelmed they don't know what gift came from which family member.
So far, the children haven't questioned why only one side of their family gives them gifts, but I know they will ask one day. I work hard to instill good values in our children, but I fear that they will grow up spoiled. How should I handle this? -- GENUINELY CONCERNED
DEAR CONCERNED: Since you cannot limit the number of gifts your in-laws give your children, limit the number they can open at one time. Assure your parents that no one is measuring the quality or quantity of gifts, but it's important that they recognize their grandchildren's milestones. Consider donating a portion of the children's "loot" to needy children in your community. If you enlist their involvement, you will be making strides in teaching your children the importance of giving to those who are less fortunate.
DEAR ABBY: The reader survey on "pet peeve" words in the English language causes me to note that I am a born and bred Southerner. And we Southerners do have a wonderful language! We never say with one word what we can say with two.
We water our flowers with a hose pipe. Something happens each and every day. Our children have two first names: Anne Marie, Charlie Ray, Billy Bob, Camellia Ann. A person has yellow jaundice. A small, tiny baby is cute. The two twins are sisters. Our pet is a kitty cat. Our other pet is a hound dog. We eat breakfast bacon and corn grits. We climb up the stairs. A house either burns up or burns down.
Well, I could go on and on for a month of Sundays, but I don't want to be redundant. Abby, I tell you the truth and it's not a lie -- the South is a truly wonderful place! -- MARIE T. WILLHITE, BRENTWOOD, TENN.
DEAR MARIE: I do declare, Miss Marie, I'm going to publish your fine letter -- God willing, and the creeks don't rise! Thanks so much for writing.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)