For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Uncomfortable Traveler Thinks Hosts Should Visit Guest Room
DEAR ABBY: Since travel season is upon us, I'd like to offer a suggestion as well as seek your advice. For the host and hostess who are having houseguests: Please spend a night in your guestroom to judge its comfort level.
We visit my in-laws in another state twice a year and stay in my husband's childhood room. The sheets are so thin you can read a newspaper through them and the pillows are so musty it is difficult to breathe. The only light in the room is a tiny decorative child's lamp, which does not cast enough light to tell what garments are in the closet, much less to read by. In addition, the closets are jammed with years of accumulation, making it difficult to find a place to put our clothes. It has been this way for years.
When my in-laws stay in our home, I go out of my way to make them feel welcome. I always include small "extras" -- new magazines, an alarm clock, extra pillows, fresh soap, a couple of drinking glasses and even fresh flowers on the dresser.
Abby, I appreciate my in-laws' hospitality and do not want to appear ungrateful, but it has reached the point where I dread staying in their home. It is not a matter of money for them or for my husband and me. I would gladly pay to "freshen" the room, if it could be done diplomatically.
Any suggestions? -- DREADING IT IN THE CAROLINAS
DEAR DREADING IT: Your suggestion to check out the guestroom before guests arrive is a good one. Your mother-in-law may think that your husband will feel more at home because she has left his boyhood room intact. However, I see nothing wrong with your providing her with a "hostess gift" of new bedding, a folding luggage rack or a new table lamp specifically marked for the guestroom. She should welcome it.
DEAR ABBY: My son died recently after a long illness, and many mourners stepped past my husband to offer me condolences. It hurt my husband deeply. He's the only father my children have known for the last 11 years, but even his family felt that was my loss, not OURS.
Abby, my son and my husband were very close, especially near the end. I think my son felt he could confide his fears to his dad, but must be brave for Mom.
In a world where birth fathers are walking away from their responsibilities, stepdads, foster fathers and adoptive parents are stepping in to shoulder that responsibility. Even though their presence is often resented by the children, these dads continue to love and care for their new families.
Abby, please explain to your readers that even if they don't understand the dynamics of stepfamily relationships, the stepparent shares in the rearing of the child, including loving the child. Condolences or congratulations should be expressed to the stepparent as well as the birth parent.
Thank you for allowing me to share my feelings. -- GRIEVING MOTHER IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR GRIEVING MOTHER: Perhaps the mourners didn't mean to be insensitive. I hope your letter will cause them (and others) to reconsider their assumptions about stepparents who do, indeed, deserve more sympathy than your husband received in his time of sorrow.
DAUGHTER FEARS HURTING ONE DAD WHILE LOOKING FOR ANOTHER
DEAR ABBY: My mother had me when she was only 16. By the time I was 3, I also had a 2-year-old brother. My mom and dad split up and Mom let Dad take us to raise. Dad was only 24 and trying to raise two children on his own. My mom was very promiscuous. She had a total of four children -- none with the same father. She dumped the others on the fathers or the fathers' families.
My dad couldn't handle raising my younger brother and me, so I was sent to live with my maternal grandparents. For some reason, my grandparents didn't want my brother and me, so a family that Dad knew adopted my brother. When I was 7, my mother's sister got married, and then I was sent to live with her and her husband. My mother knew where I lived, but I only saw her occasionally -- once every couple of years.
My father was always a part of my life, though. I spent almost every weekend with him. It wasn't until I turned 17 that I found out that my dad wasn't my biological father. He had met my mom while she was pregnant, and, because my biological father wanted nothing to do with my mom or me, my "dad" married her and gave me his last name and a lifetime of devotion.
I almost lost my dad last year because of a cerebral aneurism. I love him with all my heart. However, I am also curious to know who my biological father is.
Should I ask my dad if he knows who my biological father is? Or do you think it would hurt his feelings too much? If you think I should ask him, how should I go about it? Anyone can father a child, but it takes a very special person to be a daddy. In my heart, my dad will always be my daddy -- now and forever. -- CONFUSED IN EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, N.J.
DEAR CONFUSED: Tell your dad exactly what you have told me. With a parent as understanding and as loving as he must be, I'm certain he will realize that your curiosity is natural. There are legitimate reasons for knowing about your biological father. It could be helpful to you and eventually your children to know his medical history and that of his family.
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Mom in Denver," whose mother did a poor job of raising her and who's afraid of making the same mistakes:
I am 22 years old and consider my mom to be one of my best friends. She, too, was raised poorly. She was abused physically and verbally. She moved out when she was 18, and at one point worked three jobs to support herself.
When she had children, she knew she didn't want to make the same mistakes her parents had made, and for her, that was enough. She is the best mom in the world.
She's supportive and understanding. I know that she is there for me no matter what. I go to her for advice, friendship and love -- and I'm there for her, too, if she needs anything. I'd be lost without her.
Please assure "Mom in Denver" that by learning from her parents' mistakes and by being there for her children, she'll be one of those great mothers, too. -- JULIE SAMMONS, MILWAUKEE
DEAR JULIE: Bless you for assuring "Mom in Denver" by your own experience that it's possible to break the destructive cycle of abuse. You are fortunate to have had a very special mother, and I'm certain she is proud to have a daughter who holds her in such high esteem.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Admirer of Dying Man Wants to Know How to Say Goodbye
DEAR ABBY: What do I send to someone who knows that he has only six weeks to live? My sister's father-in-law has liver cancer, and after a hard six-month battle, he is going to lose.
The family has established an open-door policy to come and say goodbye to him, but he is so beloved by so many people that they have started to turn people away. I want to say goodbye to him, but there are people closer to him who want to see him one last time.
I don't want to be tacky. I only want him to know how much he means to me, and that I'm not avoiding him in his final hours. Any advice would be appreciated. -- CHRISTINE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CHRISTINE: Send him a "thinking of you" card with a short note recalling a pleasant memory that you shared together. Tell him you love and admire him and are praying for him. Although he may be too ill to read, someone will read it to him.
DEAR ABBY: I am on the board of a religious institution. An unusual problem has come to my attention.
One of our most active members is extremely overweight. When he sits on our folding chairs and chapel chairs, he invariably bends them down, making them uncomfortable and almost unusable.
Abby, we can't afford to replace a chair each time he comes to church, but neither can we afford to offend a deeply religious brother. What can we do to resolve this problem? -- CHURCH ELDER
DEAR CHURCH ELDER: He's probably just as uncomfortable sitting in those chairs as you are watching him. Go to a Goodwill, Salvation Army or other thrift store and get him an armchair. (He'll most likely thank you for it.) Or consider labeling one chair as his only and make sure he always sits in the same one.
DEAR ABBY: I couldn't resist responding to the letter from "Snapping Away," who wanted people to give her film because she always takes pictures and gives everyone copies. We have a snap-happy person in our family, too. She always has a camera handy. Other family members have cameras and would like to take pictures once in a while, but after Snap Happy has tested everyone's patience with, "One, two, three, look at me, I'm taking your picture," the other cameras are usually left in their cases.
This constant picture-taking has brought groans of mild protest from the family, but since she loves to take pictures, keep photo albums and share prints, we humor her.
Our Snap Happy is 80 years old, legally blind, can't see what she is taking a picture of or see the prints, but we are still lining up while she happily snaps away.
Picture-happy people don't realize there is no polite way to refuse the pictures they are giving away. If someone requests that pictures be taken and prints given to them, then reimbursement is in order, but those who don't necessarily want the pictures don't owe her. These photographers should pass prints around and let those who want them write their names on the back so she (or he) will know who wants what. Then those who want pictures can pay their share of the expenses. -- STILL SMILING FOR OUR SNAP HAPPY IN ARKANSAS
DEAR STILL SMILING: That seems fair to me. Thank you for commenting on that letter from a different perspective.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)