To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DAUGHTER FEARS HURTING ONE DAD WHILE LOOKING FOR ANOTHER
DEAR ABBY: My mother had me when she was only 16. By the time I was 3, I also had a 2-year-old brother. My mom and dad split up and Mom let Dad take us to raise. Dad was only 24 and trying to raise two children on his own. My mom was very promiscuous. She had a total of four children -- none with the same father. She dumped the others on the fathers or the fathers' families.
My dad couldn't handle raising my younger brother and me, so I was sent to live with my maternal grandparents. For some reason, my grandparents didn't want my brother and me, so a family that Dad knew adopted my brother. When I was 7, my mother's sister got married, and then I was sent to live with her and her husband. My mother knew where I lived, but I only saw her occasionally -- once every couple of years.
My father was always a part of my life, though. I spent almost every weekend with him. It wasn't until I turned 17 that I found out that my dad wasn't my biological father. He had met my mom while she was pregnant, and, because my biological father wanted nothing to do with my mom or me, my "dad" married her and gave me his last name and a lifetime of devotion.
I almost lost my dad last year because of a cerebral aneurism. I love him with all my heart. However, I am also curious to know who my biological father is.
Should I ask my dad if he knows who my biological father is? Or do you think it would hurt his feelings too much? If you think I should ask him, how should I go about it? Anyone can father a child, but it takes a very special person to be a daddy. In my heart, my dad will always be my daddy -- now and forever. -- CONFUSED IN EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, N.J.
DEAR CONFUSED: Tell your dad exactly what you have told me. With a parent as understanding and as loving as he must be, I'm certain he will realize that your curiosity is natural. There are legitimate reasons for knowing about your biological father. It could be helpful to you and eventually your children to know his medical history and that of his family.
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Mom in Denver," whose mother did a poor job of raising her and who's afraid of making the same mistakes:
I am 22 years old and consider my mom to be one of my best friends. She, too, was raised poorly. She was abused physically and verbally. She moved out when she was 18, and at one point worked three jobs to support herself.
When she had children, she knew she didn't want to make the same mistakes her parents had made, and for her, that was enough. She is the best mom in the world.
She's supportive and understanding. I know that she is there for me no matter what. I go to her for advice, friendship and love -- and I'm there for her, too, if she needs anything. I'd be lost without her.
Please assure "Mom in Denver" that by learning from her parents' mistakes and by being there for her children, she'll be one of those great mothers, too. -- JULIE SAMMONS, MILWAUKEE
DEAR JULIE: Bless you for assuring "Mom in Denver" by your own experience that it's possible to break the destructive cycle of abuse. You are fortunate to have had a very special mother, and I'm certain she is proud to have a daughter who holds her in such high esteem.
Admirer of Dying Man Wants to Know How to Say Goodbye
DEAR ABBY: What do I send to someone who knows that he has only six weeks to live? My sister's father-in-law has liver cancer, and after a hard six-month battle, he is going to lose.
The family has established an open-door policy to come and say goodbye to him, but he is so beloved by so many people that they have started to turn people away. I want to say goodbye to him, but there are people closer to him who want to see him one last time.
I don't want to be tacky. I only want him to know how much he means to me, and that I'm not avoiding him in his final hours. Any advice would be appreciated. -- CHRISTINE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CHRISTINE: Send him a "thinking of you" card with a short note recalling a pleasant memory that you shared together. Tell him you love and admire him and are praying for him. Although he may be too ill to read, someone will read it to him.
DEAR ABBY: I am on the board of a religious institution. An unusual problem has come to my attention.
One of our most active members is extremely overweight. When he sits on our folding chairs and chapel chairs, he invariably bends them down, making them uncomfortable and almost unusable.
Abby, we can't afford to replace a chair each time he comes to church, but neither can we afford to offend a deeply religious brother. What can we do to resolve this problem? -- CHURCH ELDER
DEAR CHURCH ELDER: He's probably just as uncomfortable sitting in those chairs as you are watching him. Go to a Goodwill, Salvation Army or other thrift store and get him an armchair. (He'll most likely thank you for it.) Or consider labeling one chair as his only and make sure he always sits in the same one.
DEAR ABBY: I couldn't resist responding to the letter from "Snapping Away," who wanted people to give her film because she always takes pictures and gives everyone copies. We have a snap-happy person in our family, too. She always has a camera handy. Other family members have cameras and would like to take pictures once in a while, but after Snap Happy has tested everyone's patience with, "One, two, three, look at me, I'm taking your picture," the other cameras are usually left in their cases.
This constant picture-taking has brought groans of mild protest from the family, but since she loves to take pictures, keep photo albums and share prints, we humor her.
Our Snap Happy is 80 years old, legally blind, can't see what she is taking a picture of or see the prints, but we are still lining up while she happily snaps away.
Picture-happy people don't realize there is no polite way to refuse the pictures they are giving away. If someone requests that pictures be taken and prints given to them, then reimbursement is in order, but those who don't necessarily want the pictures don't owe her. These photographers should pass prints around and let those who want them write their names on the back so she (or he) will know who wants what. Then those who want pictures can pay their share of the expenses. -- STILL SMILING FOR OUR SNAP HAPPY IN ARKANSAS
DEAR STILL SMILING: That seems fair to me. Thank you for commenting on that letter from a different perspective.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband Hurt by Wife's Affair Ends Up in One of His Own
DEAR ABBY: I desperately need some advice. I am a physician, married to a beautiful woman for 20 years, and we have three teen-age children. My wife and I are in our 40s.
In 1995, my wife confessed she had a seven-year affair with my best friend. He would come to our house after I went to work and they would have sex in our bed. Although my wife never showed me any affection during that period, I blamed it on the strain of raising three children, never suspecting her infidelity.
She let word of the illicit affair slip when I teased her about her old boyfriends. I was devastated, but I didn't let on. She apologized, and our marriage continued for the sake of the children. In the last two years, my wife has been especially loving and affectionate toward me.
Earlier this year, my married sister-in-law (I'll call her Marie) stayed with us for four months. She confided to me that she had an unsatisfactory sex life with her husband. One thing led to another, and we slept together several times. Marie has since returned home.
Now I feel guilty and would like to confess this indiscretion to my wife to clear my conscience, but I am not sure how she'll react.
Though it will even things out, I do not want to hurt my wife or expose Marie's behavior. Should I tell my wife about the affair with her sister? -- ONLY HUMAN IN KENTUCKY
DEAR ONLY HUMAN: I question your motives for confession. Remember the pain that your wife's confession caused you? While confessing may be good for the soul, it will undoubtedly hurt others. I suggest you confess to your clergy instead.
DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, you printed a piece about a place called "The Rainbow Bridge" -- where our pets go when they die.
Often, over the last few years, I wish I had saved the article to give to friends whose pets have passed away. I try to tell them about it, but I know I can't do justice to the beautifully written tribute.
I'm sure if you reprinted it, many would find comfort from it. -- WAITING HOPEFULLY, MIDDLESEX, MASS.
DEAR WAITING HOPEFULLY: It has been several years since I printed "The Rainbow Bridge," and I'm pleased to share it once again:
THE RAINBOW BRIDGE
There is a bridge connecting Heaven and Earth. It is called the Rainbow Bridge because of its many colors. Just this side of the Rainbow Bridge, there is a land of meadows, hills and valleys with lush green grass.
When a beloved pet dies, the pet goes to this place. There is always food and water and warm spring weather. The old and frail animals are young again. Those who are maimed are made whole again. They play all day with each other.
There is only one thing missing: They are not with their special person who loved them on Earth. So, each day they run and play until the day comes when one suddenly looks up! The nose twitches. The ears are up. The eyes are staring. And this one suddenly runs from the group.
You have been seen, and when you and your special friend meet, you take him or her in your arms and embrace. Your face is kissed again and again and again, and you look once more into the eyes of your trusting pet.
Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together, never again to be separated.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)