For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Couple Caught Up in Family Jealousy Decide to Move On
DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "Outcast," who was good to his family, but was treated badly by them, was correct and true. My husband and I have had the same problems. We sacrificed and worked hard to be successful, but we paid the price.
However, your second paragraph stating that perhaps the family will recognize themselves in your column and mend their ways won't work, believe me.
For years we were hurt and perplexed by unfair treatment by my husband's family. We tried to talk about our feelings and were ignored, or else they would smile and say nothing. The problems began to escalate. We finally realized that the problem was family jealousy, and it was incurable. Family jealousy and the pain it causes are the last dirty family secrets that should be exposed.
After much consideration, we asked ourselves if we would be better off with or without family, and how it would affect our children. We decided we would be better off without them. So, without harsh words, and without any more energy devoted to "why are we ignored?" we purposely drifted away.
It has been seven years since our last contact. Our lives are better, and there are no more hurt feelings and anger. We allowed his family to have their shallow victory and moved on. We deliberately left no forwarding address when we moved.
Our children are now happily married. We spend our time in volunteer activities, enjoying our grandchildren and with many devoted friends. Most important, we have each other.
Abby, there are some things that cannot be "fixed." My advice to "Outcast" would be to get on with their lives. If they do not want to break off contact entirely, make the contact infrequent. In other words, take the "Please Kick Me" sign off their rear ends.
Please discuss family jealousy in future columns. It is an ugly and destructive force that adversely affects children if not dealt with. That was our biggest worry as we began to understand why we were being mistreated. -- HAPPIER NOW IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR HAPPIER: You and your husband made your decision regarding family relationships long ago, and I am not about to second-guess it. How sad that there are families who can't get along. I'm reminded of a quote by the author John Miller: "A family will hold together across the years if each member refrains from pointing the accusing finger."
DEAR ABBY: Since I've reached my 80s, my mail is full of ads for health products to help me live longer.
I once had many friends, all of whom were health vigilantes. They shook their heads knowingly as I avoided all strenuous labor and exercise. They made liquid out of good vegetables and spent fortunes buying all the latest supplements. They argued that "organic" was better and "natural" was best. I would tell them that snake venom, poison ivy and manure also were "natural." But they wouldn't listen.
Now my friends are all dead, and I have no one left to argue with. -- EDDY HILL, SHERMAN OAKS, CALIF.
DEAR EDDY: The secret to longevity may be a well-developed sense of humor. 'Tis said, "He who laughs, LASTS!"
TIME SPENT WITH KINDRED SPIRIT IS CAUSING MAN TO GO BROKE
DEAR ABBY: I've been dating this girl for a couple of months. When I first saw her, I liked her. When I got to know her, I fell for her. I wanted to spend every minute with her. We have so many things in common -- similar backgrounds, a love of books, authors and the theater. I like everything about her.
The only concern I have about this relationship is that I can't afford to pay for everything whenever we go out. Even though she only works less than part time and I work full time, I'll be broke soon with the way we're going. I don't want to ruin a potentially terrific relationship over money. What can I do? -- BROKE IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR BROKE: Level with your girlfriend about the high cost of living in the city. If she is a "woman of the '90s," she will understand that dating expenses should be shared. You are fortunate to live in San Francisco. It's a wonderful city that offers many low-cost things to do. Be creative in your search for economical entertainment, and I'm sure the two of you can find plenty of affordable activities.
DEAR ABBY: This letter is to the mother who was hurt because she received a card from her son that he had created on a computer. I send computer cards only to people I sincerely care about.
I sometimes spend several hours choosing just the right graphic, the right words (usually I compose my own), and a perfect type style. I am 57 years old, and not only does this give me experience on the computer, it allows me to spend time thinking about the person for whom I am making the card -- remembering the things I admire about that person and our fun times together.
Abby, anyone can go to a store and purchase a card for a couple of dollars in about five minutes with no problem. My advice to the son of "Hurt Momma" is to buy 10 cards at one time, sign and address them, then mail them at the appropriate times. This takes no thought, and in my opinion, Momma doesn't deserve any! -- CAROL DUNN, FORT COLLINS, COLO.
DEAR CAROL: I am delighted with the many original and creative computer cards that have arrived as a result of "Momma's" letter. One even had MY picture on the front! Read on for another reason that computer cards can be a lifesaver:
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old who can't drive and whose parents work long hours and many weekends. No one is available to take me to a card store, but my computer is always here.
When friends or family members are having a birthday, I enjoy making a card for them. They love receiving them, too. I include little inside jokes or write a poem.
Just because it isn't a commercial card doesn't mean the card is not special. "Hurt Momma" should be grateful instead of hurt. The card came from her son's computer, but it also came from his heart. -- COMPUTER CARD LOVER, CAROL STREAM, ILL.
DEAR ABBY: In response to the column on pet peeve words, I submit my own creation, the following poem:
THOSE FOUR-LETTER WORDS
Some four-letter words offend me,
Whether by ear or in a book;
The ones that evoke the worst feelings in me
Are: iron, dust and cook!
-- PATRICIA YONKOSKE, BARNESBORO, PA.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Miserably Married Parents Provide No Example of Love
DEAR ABBY: This is for all the parents who have stayed together "for the good of the children." I grew up in a household filled with tension and bitterness. It was apparent to me that my parents had a bad relationship. Their misery showed, and I, as their child, suffered from it. Hearing anger and resentment on a daily basis was an awful way to grow up.
I believe the most important thing a parent can show a child is how to love. Children who do not observe this while growing up are deprived of something that is irreplaceable. Parents who are unhappy with their spouse often lack warmth. This lack of warmth is felt by their children, and affects them in a negative way.
I would have much preferred that my parents had separated. They did me no favor by showing me that married life could be miserable. They were distant and cold, and that hurt me worse than a divorce ever could have.
I hope parents who are truly unhappy in their marriages will spare their children the agony of living in such an environment. Parents who do decide to stay together owe it to their children to take measures such as family counseling to improve their relationships and ensure that they do not convey bitterness to their children. -- GREW UP SAD
DEAR SAD: You have written an eloquent plea for civility, and one which I hope that couples with troubled marriages will take to heart. A failing marriage does not have to be a "take no prisoners" battleground.
Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You have devoted some columns to the effects of divorce on children. Often the letters you print show how parents mess up their children when their own marriages break down. I want you to know there are at least two sane people in the world who didn't do that.
My parents divorced in 1979, when I was a little girl, but they always put me first and never made me doubt that they both love me. Although Dad hasn't been physically with me for day-to-day life, he has always "been there" for me. On my 17th birthday, he drove from Maine to Georgia to surprise me. The next year he came for my graduation and stayed at my maternal grandmother's home.
My parents both told me that many of their friends had used their children as "weapons" in their divorces, and they vowed never to do that. They have kept that vow, and everyone has benefited -- most of all me.
While divorce is not something people want to happen, it doesn't have to be the end of the world. You can have -- and be -- a family, even if it is in two different households. Parents still have a responsibility to their children. Children who have been emotionally scarred by divorce are owed an apology from their parents. There is no excuse for it. Parents who have experienced divorce and have let it affect their children should be ashamed.
I am living proof that people can be good parents even in bad situations. I have never been in jail, had an unplanned pregnancy or spent time in rehab. I am a well-educated, responsible and stable adult.
I sincerely hope that someday there will be more "products of divorce" who can say the same thing. If my letter helps make that possible, its purpose will have been served. -- STACI MARSH, GREAT FALLS, MONT.
DEAR STACI: Thank you for an inspiring letter. Your parents' marriage may have failed, but their divorce was a success. I wish everyone in that situation would follow their excellent example.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)