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by Abigail Van Buren

Clueless Turkey Hunter Causes Readers to Gobble

DEAR ABBY: I just roared at the letter from "Turkeyless in Arkansas." I couldn't stop laughing, so I sat down and wrote my own version -- from a woman's point of view. It's titled, "Men Are From the Forest; Women Are From the Mall."

Hope you enjoy it. -- ANN IN MANZANITA, ORE.

DEAR ANN: Not only did I enjoy it, so will my readers. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have the most handsome boyfriend in the world -- and the nicest, I thought, until I realized that "Ben" does not understand or respect my favorite activity: shopping.

Yesterday, my friend and I took Ben shopping with us, so he could understand the appeal. I explained everything to him the night before, but shopping day was a disaster. He was not up at 4:30 to be first in line. He poked around and refused to wear the shopping attire I had given him -- comfortable shoes and a backpack. In the shops, he refused to cooperate. His critical attitude attracted embarrassing attention from other shoppers. To top it all off, when I made a purchase, he would throw up his arms and scream, "Run, Visa Card! Run!"

My friend could not stop laughing. I was so angry I haven't been able to speak to him since. Abby, how could this man be so insensitive to my feelings? Now I am no longer sure this relationship is such a good idea. Ben is good-looking and has a great career, but is this relationship worth saving? I'm not giving up my shopping excursions. -- PURCHASELESS IN OREGON

This is Abby again. I couldn't resist writing an answer.

DEAR PURCHASELESS: If you're been buying what Ben has been "selling" -- how can you call yourself "purchaseless"?

Whatever his masculine appeal might be, Ben is clearly not someone who's likely to develop a love for shopping.

If your ideal man is one who enjoys rising at 4:30 a.m., putting on sensible shoes and carrying a backpack so you don't have to carry your own packages, you are shopping in the wrong department.

Ben may look like a prize -- but he's no bargain. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I couldn't believe your answer to "Turkeyless in Arkansas."

Gwen is being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it and then expected to show respect to the person giving the orders, and you call HER a turkey! I thought the "Me Tarzan, you Jane" mentality was a thing of the past. Nowhere in the letter does the turkey hunter say he asked Gwen if she WANTED to go hunting, and nowhere do I see where he listened to her reply. That brainless turkey hunter needs to quit sniffing his face paint and realize that Gwen is using passive aggression to make the point of her disdain for his sport and his lack of communication skills.

Beauty and an ability to cook are poor reasons upon which to base a relationship. If "Turkeyless" wants a relationship, not only does he need to learn to communicate better and listen, he should look for common interests rather than expecting Gwen to kowtow to his. -- A GROUSE HUNTER IN MINNESOTA

DEAR GROUSE HUNTER: Gwen wasn't hog-tied and forced to go along on the turkey hunt. She could have refused the invitation.

The hunter wants a woman with whom to share his love of turkey hunting, and Gwen is definitely not that woman. So, for his purposes, she IS a turkey.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

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