Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Family Feels Deserted While Woman Soldiers on for Degree
DEAR ABBY: A member of our family recently graduated from college -- finally! This woman is in her late 40s. For the past four years, she has spent all her free time and money on studies when she should have been spending more time with her husband, children, grandchildren and ailing parents.
She stopped socializing with friends and occasionally missed family parties because she had "work" to do. She often visited with callers at her door or on the porch because she put her studies before housekeeping and, boy, was it ever obvious! Her house was an unholy mess. It's a good thing her husband is a patient man -- otherwise, he would have booted her out and found a real wife.
During her last year of school, she lost her 4.0 average when a family member became ill. She actually cried over it, even though her grades are never going to matter to anyone.
Now that she's a college graduate, she seems hurt that no one has made any fuss about it. When she offered tickets to her graduation ceremony, there was a dead silence. Her own kids didn't even want to attend. I can understand making a fuss when young people graduate because they are at the beginning of their careers, but a degree in "the classics" won't help this woman with the job she's held for 25 years. She's now nearing retirement age, so she doesn't need a new career. Abby, do you think we should have made a big deal out of what was no big deal? Sign this ... ALICE (NOT MY REAL NAME)
DEAR ALICE: Yes, you should have, and shame on you for not doing so. My congratulations to your relative, who had the courage and determination to reach an admirable goal to enhance and enrich her life with knowledge. Furthermore, her accomplishment is all the more admirable considering the difficult obstacles she had to overcome, among them a non-supportive family.
DEAR ABBY: I'm in the process of writing my autobiography, which probably will be distributed to my family after my death. I'm wondering how much I should include and whether confession serves any purpose now, except my own need to confess.
I am respected and loved by my children, even though they probably know I wasn't an angel in my younger years.
During my marriage, I had an affair. I believe if I hadn't had the affair, I probably would have gotten a divorce. The man with whom I had the affair gave me the friendship, communication and understanding I didn't receive from my husband, but we didn't hurt anyone.
I know God has forgiven me and I have grown spiritually in many ways since that time. I would hope that by revealing this, I might pass on my belief that no matter how rotten we are, if we repent, God will forgive us and we can be a worthwhile person.
Should I reveal my past or not? -- INDECISIVE
DEAR INDECISIVE: With apologies to the author of "The Bridges of Madison County," I can see very little good that could come from disclosing to your children that you were an unfaithful wife whose husband behaved in a way that made her feel friendless, misunderstood and alone. If God has forgiven you, and you have forgiven yourself, keep your lips sealed, your pen capped, and take the secret with you to heaven.
DEAR ABBY: Recently you published several letters from women who harped on the worthlessness of men. Occasionally the women mentioned moments of loneliness, but on the whole considered themselves to be better off without their husband -- or any man, for that matter. The general message seemed to be that men are, for the most part, worthless and cause only trouble.
Male-bashing has become so common, most people accept it as normal. However, I am bothered by it. This may in part be because I am male, but it is more than that.
Recently, at an after-work get-together, a group of women huddled in the kitchen and complained, "There aren't any good men out there." There were several good ones at that very gathering -- at least a dozen -- all single with graduate degrees, decent jobs and a bright future. I knew several of them, and know they treat women with respect. Not that any of the women clustered in the kitchen would have given these men the time of day.
A friend told me that men who treat women with respect have many women friends, but no dates. I fear she is right. I see many "nice guys" passed by in favor of losers who are nothing but trouble. So the nice guys remain single and the women end up miserable and, sometimes, hating all men. It's really sad.
I'd like to think that decent men and women do find each other, but for those in the post-college age bracket, I cannot say that I see it happen very often. However, I am convinced that "looking" is near the heart of the problem. Perhaps we would do better LISTENING. Our eyes have not served us well in the realm of romance. We don't seem to be able to "see" with our hearts very well. -- NO LONGER LOOKING IN UPSTATE NEW YORK
DEAR NO LONGER LOOKING: If you were a woman writing with this problem, rather than saying that good men get passed by, you would be stating that all men want women who appear physically perfect. This situation is as old as the battle of the sexes. Please do not despair. Decent women still want decent men, and vice versa. It will be a banner day when these stereotypes die a natural death.
DEAR ABBY: I enjoyed the story you printed about the Easter egg hunt where the children were so generous to the girl who was blind. For the past three years, I have been privileged to participate in an Easter egg hunt for blind children sponsored by the Blind Babies Foundation in Fresno. It's called a "beeper egg hunt," because the plastic eggs have small beepers in them to guide the children.
Many times the children receive assistance from sighted companions, but the children locate the eggs by sound.
Sighted children help prepare for this special egg hunt by painting large plywood eggs and gluing pictures of the children with sight impairment to pictures of the Easter Bunny. These souvenirs are presented to the parents of the special students.
During the preparation for the hunt, sighted students are introduced to some of the problems those without sight face, and they react very sympathetically. Therefore, this program benefits both those with sight and those without. -- DICK HERBOLDSHIMER, FRESNO, CALIF.
DEAR DICK: Beeper eggs -- what a great idea! I understand there are many kinds of beeper products to aid people without sight to participate in sports and other activities. Hooray for the technology that allows them to enjoy some of the things most of us take for granted.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Restaurant Help Eager to Close Sweep Diners Toward the Door
DEAR ABBY: Last night my boyfriend and I ate at a very good Chinese restaurant. The sign says it closes at 9 p.m. We arrived at 8:45, were seated and ordered a small meal.
While we were starting the soup, the server brought the main course. As we began the main course, he brought the fortune cookies and the bill and placed them on the table. He said they were closing the cash register and asked us to pay immediately. At the same time, another employee began vacuuming around us and the other couple who were still eating.
Abby, it's a large restaurant, and they could have started cleaning at the other end of the room. The woman of the other couple asked them if they'd please turn off the vacuum, and was told they were closing. Meanwhile, my boyfriend and I paid for a meal we couldn't enjoy. Had we known they would rush us, we could have ordered the meal to go.
We are late eaters, so we usually ask when we enter a restaurant if they're still serving. Are restaurant closing times generally considered the same as store closings when customers should be out the door at a designated time? What do you think, Abby? -- DISAPPOINTED DINER IN SAN CARLOS, CALIF.
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Don't fault the employees at the Chinese restaurant. The posted closing time is just that, a closing time that should be honored just as customers should abide by the closing time of a department store.
Next time you must eat late, in consideration for the restaurant owner and employees, select a restaurant with a later closing time -- or order take-out.
DEAR ABBY: In response to the letters in your column about domestic abuse -- one from a divorce lawyer in Florida and another from Attorney General Tom Udall of New Mexico -- I am sure they both mean well, but domestic abuse is not cut-and-dried.
Yes, we need to protect women from batterers and free them from arrest when they defend themselves. But one-sided laws that protect only women (battered by men) are just quick-fix schemes -- "sound bite" laws.
Blanket protection for women doesn't address gay and lesbian relationships (like it or not, they do exist -- and they, too, have batterers). Women are also batterers and abusers, not just in lesbian relationships, but also in straight relationships. Men, too, can be victims.
Laws against domestic violence should focus on the abuser, whoever the abuser is -- male or female, straight or gay, rich or poor. Law enforcement and politicians should be trained to understand all the possibilities, and then take educated action to end abuse. We already have too many laws and too many police. What we really need now is more respect for both -- and for one another. -- STEPHEN RANDOLPH, SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR STEPHEN: You make a good point. However, I believe the laws are written the way they are because the vast majority of spousal battery cases involve men abusing women. After reading your letter, I would concur that the laws should be amended so that all batterers, regardless of gender, should be liable for their actions.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)