To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Grandpa With Early Bedtime Gets Heave Ho From Wedding
DEAR ABBY: Please correct me if I am wrong, but I believe my cousin, "Lenore," is the most selfish person I know.
Lenore is getting married in an evening ceremony and has decided to dis-invite our grandfather, Pop-Pop. Pop-Pop was so excited about attending, he bought a new suit and showed it off to everyone who visited him.
Pop-Pop's health is failing and he goes to bed early -- 8:00 p.m. The wedding is at 6:00 p.m., and Lenore and her mother (my aunt) have decided it would interrupt the "perfect wedding" if Pop-Pop were to leave early, so he has been told to stay home. This means Grandmom will attend her first grandchild's wedding alone. Also, my grandparents will have to pay for a nurse to stay with Pop-Pop.
Many people have volunteered to take Pop-Pop home when he becomes tired, but my cousin and her mother say the decision has been made.
What do you think, Abby? Isn't it awful to exclude Pop-Pop just because he is old? -- APPALLED COUSIN
DEAR APPALLED COUSIN: Yes, it is awful, particularly since your grandfather was looking forward to attending the wedding. Short of boycotting the wedding, there is little to be done. Lenore's day, however, will be perfect in her eyes only. The rest of the family will remember it as the day Pop-Pop was dishonored.
DEAR ABBY: You told the mother of "Disappointed but Seeking Help" that her daughter didn't become sexually active because she was looking for the kind of affection and attention she could receive from her family.
While I cannot speak for that girl, I know that is exactly the reason I became sexually active in high school. My parents had their jobs, their parties, their worries and their lives. I didn't think they would notice me even if I were dead.
I planned suicide, until a male teacher held me in his arms and told me that I mattered. I would have given anything to have even this semblance of love and affection. I needed someone to care about me. My parents didn't and he did. Sex was a very small price to pay. And my parents never noticed a thing.
Yes, I am aware that what the teacher did was wrong. But I will never forget how much it meant to me at the time. At least he could see my pain when my family was oblivious to it.
We all seek love, and many of us will take whatever is offered when that is all there is. If children are to love appropriately, they must learn to give and receive love in the right places -- from their family in youth, then from friends,and later from a lover and mate.
Parents: If you don't want your children "looking for love in all the wrong places," perhaps you should make sure they're getting enough in the RIGHT places. -- KNOWS FIRSTHAND IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR KNOWS FIRSTHAND: I apologize for having said so emphatically that the teen-age daughter did not become sexually active because she was looking for the kind of affection and attention she could receive from her family. Teen-agers begin having sex for varied and sometimes complicated reasons that are not always related to sexual needs as much as emotional needs.
P.S. Although the high school teacher recognized your neediness and vulnerability, if his motives had been humanitarian instead of predatory, he would have found some other way of letting you know you were worthwhile. The fact that you were a willing participant does not mean that you were not taken advantage of.
NOT CONFIDENTIAL TO MORT: Happy 59th anniversary, Darling. Thank you for making me the luckiest married woman alive.
Rumors About Veterans' Health Care Are Not Based on Facts
DEAR ABBY: I am writing because your column reaches thousands of people every day, and I'm hoping you'll send a message to all the veterans of all branches of the service.
An item I read in the Savannah, Mo., newspaper said that if a veteran has not registered at a Veterans Affairs Hospital since Oct. 1, 1996, on Oct. 1, 1998, he or she will lose all medical benefits for life. It went on to say that the VA cannot notify veterans about it -— the information must be disseminated by word-of-mouth or by letter.
I called the VA and it is true. This law will affect thousands of veterans, and many will not learn of it before the cutoff date. It's wrong to deny veterans their rights. Abby, please print this information in your column. -— SUE KITCHEN, UNION STAR, MO.
DEAR SUE: I'm pleased to print your letter, although the news article was in error, and the situation is not as bleak as portrayed.
After contacting the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs (VA), I learned that this is a wild rumor spread via the Internet. According to Kenneth W. Kizer, M.D., VA undersecretary for health, "There is good news for veterans who are distressed over INCORRECT information spread via the Internet that suggests they will automatically lose their VA medical benefits if they fail to apply for the VA's new health-care enrollment program by Oct. 1, 1998. It ISN'T SO!
"The VA is required by law to begin an enrollment system for its health-care services by Oct. 1, 1998. However, this does NOT mean veterans who have not applied for enrollment by then necessarily lose their eligibility for VA medical care.
"Veterans can apply at the time they need VA care, before or after Oct. 1. In fact, we have been automatically processing enrollment applications for veterans treated by VA since Oct. 1, 1996.
"Not all veterans who apply may be able to get care, especially higher-income veterans. Enrollment will be based on priority groups specified by law -— the highest priority being given to veterans with service-connected disabilities.
"After enrollment begins, some veterans can still be treated by VA without being enrolled: Veterans with a VA disability rating of 50 percent or higher will receive care without enrolling; veterans with service-connected disabilities will receive care for those disabilities; and veterans discharged while on active duty will receive VA care for those disabilities within the first 12 months of discharge."
DEAR ABBY: The letter from Norm Totey about wearing a complete body armor is an excellent description of a man who is afraid to die. A philosopher of long ago stated that a man who is afraid to die does not know how to live.
Abby, keep up the good work. You are wonderful. -—GEORGE D. LUNDBERG, NACHES, WASH.
DEAR GEORGE: The philosopher may have been right, but you and many of my readers missed the tongue-in-cheek humor in Norm Totey's letter. Read it again with that in mind, and I think you'll agree that it's hilarious.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em Is Hunting Wife's Motto
DEAR ABBY: I never laughed so hard as I did when I read about "Gwen" in the letter from "Turkeyless in Arkansas." I like that girl! I'm sure there are a lot of "hunting widows" out there who would love to have done the same thing (yell, "Run, turkey, run!")
My response to Gwen: You can do one of two things if your man decides to confront you about your "insensitivity" to his hunting:
1. "RUN, GWEN, RUN!" You will always be second to his hunting. It may be the turkey season now, but next on the list will be deer, bear, elk, moose, rabbit, squirrel, pheasant, duck, etc. If you should marry this guy, expect to wake up alone from late October to early April.
So, if snuggling in the morning is what you like to do, get a teddy bear. Don't make any plans without asking his schedule because morning isn't the only time they go hunting; late afternoons are popular, too. If dinners and movies are what you enjoy on Saturday evenings, take a girlfriend instead. And be sure to keep his "If I Go Hunting One More Time My Wife Is Going to Leave Me ... God, I'm Gonna Miss Her" T-shirt handy at all times. Or, you could:
2. JOIN HIM AND HAVE FUN! That is what I finally did after four years of griping and nagging. When I did, I got the opening-day prize -- a 10-inch bearded gobbler! My husband and I have fun hunting together, although I don't go all the time. It taught me to respect his favorite sport, his hunting buddies and him more!
My suggestion to "Turkeyless in Arkansas" is: If you care enough about Gwen, don't try to force her to love what you do. Has she considered ditching you because you break out in hives whenever she asks you to accompany her to the mall? If you dump her, watch out! Your friend, who has a much better sense of humor than you, may snatch her up, and next year you'll be hunting alone. -- TALKING TURKEY IN FLORIDA
DEAR TALKING TURKEY: I'm printing your letter in the hope that Gwen will spot it. As a hunter's wife, you have laid on the line what she should expect if she marries her boyfriend.
The comments about "Turkeyless in Arkansas" continue unabated. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Turkeyless in Arkansas." Abby, just because this couple are not birds of a feather doesn't mean they can't enjoy a beautiful nest together. There is nothing written that says you must enjoy the other's hobby. In fact, I personally recommend that each have his or her own personal interests -- it makes for more interesting individuals, who in turn enhance each other as a couple.
I'll bet "Turkeyless" would not want to take a special cooking class, but would like his turkey cooked to perfection. According to him, Gwen can cook and she looks good. She can pamper herself while he hunts, and then they can have a wonderful meal together while he feasts his eyes on her.
My husband loves tinkering with his old sprint and midget race cars. I sit in a rocking chair in my special corner of his workshop and do needlework, and we can still share time and conversation. Once in a while I will hand him a tool; occasionally he gives me an opininon on combining colors. Sometimes I accompany him to a vintage auto swap meet, and once in a while he will walk through a quilt display at a fair with me.
Relationships are give-and-take. Both must give and both must take. -- MARRIED TO VROOM-VROOM, SANTA ANA, CALIF.
DEAR MARRIED: Yours sounds like a model marriage. Happy companions make the best mates.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)