Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband's Persistent Cough Is Constant Worry for Wife
DEAR ABBY: My husband is in his early 50s. Over the past five years, he has developed a cough that has the whole family concerned. (He doesn't smoke and never has.) We have encouraged him to seek medical care, but he adamantly refuses, saying, "It doesn't bother me."
His family has a history of allergies, which may well be his problem; however, his refusal to get help is putting a strain on our relationship. He coughs his way through conversations, movies, television programs and radio. If he laughs, he coughs. If he eats, he coughs.
I have had asthma since childhood, but I rarely have an attack because I get regular medical care and faithfully take my medication. I know that if I coughed and choked as often as my husband does, I would be miserable.
My husband insists that the problem is mine, and if I loved him, I would accept him as he is and tune out his coughing. Is he right? It worries me. -- WORRIED WIFE
DEAR WORRIED: Until you and your husband know there is no medical reason for his coughing, you have cause for concern. Make a deal with him. If he will go for a thorough physical exam and the results show nothing serious, you will try to tune out his coughing. Unless and until he consults a doctor to be sure he is in good health, continue to hound him.
DEAR ABBY: I read with interest and amusement how the sounds of the ice-cream truck affected the woman in Seattle. I have a story that may help.
Abby, my father-in-law will be 96 on July 11, and I'm still learning about the beauty of life from him.
My husband and I spent a Sunday with my father-in-law recently. As I usually do, I wandered into his back yard to weed, pick fruit and enjoy nature. The music blaring from two or three houses away was so loud I had to shout to be heard. I thought it was annoying, obnoxious and very inconsiderate. I asked my father-in-law if the music bothered him. Then I noticed he was swaying to the beat. "Oh, no!" he replied. "It lets me know I'm alive." It's all in one's perspective.
My husband has a severe hearing loss from factory noise. He can no longer hear birds, crickets, bells or whistles. He would love to trade places and be able to hear ice-cream trucks or the subtle sounds of nature's music. As a person with normal hearing, my first reaction to the loud music was annoyance, but perhaps I should be more like my husband and my father-in-law. -- MRS. GALLEGOS IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR MRS. GALLEGOS: Your father-in-law practices a philosophy to which I have long adhered: "When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade." Good for him, and you as well for learning so quickly the lesson this wise man offered.
DEAR ABBY: I joined members of the International Brothernood of Motorcycle Campers (IBMC) who gather from various states for camping and camaraderie. One weekend we camped at Chamberlain Lake in northeast Connecticut.
On Saturday, we made an ice-cream run to Traveler Restaurant, Route 84, Exit 74, Union, Conn. There, in a place of honor on the wall, was your photograph and letter. It was like: WOW! After reading your column for years, I felt like I was meeting an old friend. It made me proud of you. -- JOSEPH E. HICSWA, PASSAIC, N.J.
DEAR JOSEPH: How thoughtful of you to have written. Here's wishing you many more enjoyable ice-cream runs in the future.
DEAR ABBY: I have carried this resentment for two years and would like to ask you if I am right or wrong to feel hurt and angry.
On Thanksgiving 1996, which was our 53rd anniversary, my wife and I invited our children and grandchildren and a few close friends to our home for dinner. We received many nice gifts from all.
Abby, the following day my wife passed away. It was completely unexpected. Thank goodness all my family was here.
One couple, whom my wife and I had known for many years, immediately asked me to return their gift. I was shocked, but of course I complied. My children were angry at me for giving in to their request.
Was I wrong to return their gift? Please don't identify me, as the couple lives nearby. -- STILL HURTING IN GEORGIA
DEAR STILL HURTING: No, you were not wrong to have returned the gift, but I think it was wrong of them to have asked you to do so.
DEAR ABBY: I participate in a support group for families of teens in residential treatment. Many of our teens are making new choices. Among them is the choice of chastity until marriage, even though they may have had sex prior to the program. These teens are glowing and radiant in their newfound personal power. We are helping them learn how to heal families and meet new challenges in their lives.
One question has us stumped: If a young woman had sex as a teen, then chooses chastity until marriage, can she stil wear white at her wedding? -- ANONYMOUS, PLEASE
DEAR ANONYMOUS: Yes, indeed. A white wedding gown signifies a first-time bride, not chastity. And these days, the old "rules" have been relaxed so that a bride may wear whatever color she chooses, whether it's her first, second or subsequent marriage.
DEAR ABBY: We never laughed so hard as we did at the column about "Run, turkey, run!"
It reminded me of the time we were staying in a motel and listening to the sound of "birds" in the next room. We were ready to call the desk when they all settled down.
The next morning we read in the paper that the National Turkey-Calling Contest was in town that weekend! -- NANCY BECK, MESA, ARIZ.
DEAR ABBY: Where in the "Book of Love" does it state that one partner in a relationship must embrace ALL of the interests of the other? If "Gwen" doesn't like hunting wild turkeys, her fiance should hunt the gobblers with his buddies who do. Given Gwen's culinary abilities, she may derive far greater pleasure from roasting the bird than killing it.
"Turkeyless" states that Gwen is good-looking and can cook. Now there's an unbeatable combination that should form the foundation for lasting marital happiness.
All in all, this guy has apparently sprung from the shallow end of the gene pool. My advice to Gwen? Dump this turkey! -- BILL IN OLYMPIA, WASH.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I'm concerned about my relationship with my fiance (I'll call him Stan). We are both 20 years old and have very different views on life. Stan is employed part time and is satisfied with that.
I need someone in my life who can help me financially, emotionally and physically. I don't want a man who has no career goals. Stan and I were supposed to move into an apartment together. Now that's been put on hold.
Stan's mom does everything for him, and he doesn't want to move away from home. When we plan to do something, we have to work around his mother's schedule because he is also her chauffeur. If I were to marry Stan, I would gain a horrible mother-in-law. I don't think she is very fond of me, either.
Stan is so in love with me, and the idea that we'll always be together, that if I tell him it's over, he will be crushed.
Our relationship is at a point that I have sought sexual fulfillment elsewhere. My friends tell me that if he doesn't know about the other men it won't hurt him. Should I continue to be dishonest with Stan, or what? Abby, please help me. I desperately need your advice. -- IN OVER MY HEAD IN TACOMA
DEAR IN: Your fiance appears to be far from ready to take on the responsibilities of marriage. Level with Stan -- I assure you, his mother will comfort him.
This should be a learning experience for both of you, and in the future, before you make a commitment, be absolutely certain that you and the young man want the same things from marriage.
DEAR ABBY: I am the grandmother of a 6-year-old boy who lives with me. I have a problem I am certain is shared by a number of people, and I have a solution to offer.
It is very uncomfortable for a parent, grandparent or other caretaker to allow a child to go into a public restroom without supervision. For young boys accompanied by a woman, or little girls accompanied by a man, the use of a restroom for members of the opposite sex after the age of 7 or 8 is difficult for all involved. There needs to be an alternative.
As a former teacher and counselor for people with handicaps, I've been told of situations where someone has been unable to go to some public places because the person accompanying them (i.e., a spouse) could not use the same restroom. With all the talk of accessibility for the handicapped, to my knowledge, this problem still remains unaddressed.
It would be helpful if public places provided unisex restrooms for the handicapped and children under the age of 12 who are accompanied by an adult of the opposite gender. -- THE REV. VIRGINIA L. ANDERSON, ONEIDA, N.Y.
DEAR VIRGINIA ANDERSON: That's an idea worth noting for those planning business and public facilities, but to modify existing theaters, malls, stadiums and businesses could be cost-prohibitive.
By the age of 6 or 7, your grandson should be able to use a public restroom without being accompanied by an adult. Most people are understanding if a young child or person with a disability is accompanied in a restroom.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)