For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Girl Has Message for Other Teens: Bigger Is Not Bad
DEAR ABBY: Everyone has heard about teen-age girls who think they're fat when they're not. I'm 13 years old and a little overweight, but I try not to think about it all the time. I know lots of girls who do, and many of them are slim, healthy and attractive. Parents and teachers try to tell girls that size doesn't matter, but most teens think it does.
Magazines, television and even our peers recognize only thin people as being beautiful, so how can you blame girls for wanting to be thin? I'd like to give some advice, especially to other teen-agers.
Girls, if you are with someone who is heavier than you or uncomfortable with her body, don't complain about your own. It will only make them feel worse. Believe me, I should know -- I have been hurt many times by behavior like this.
Guys, let a girl know she doesn't have to have a perfect body or look like a model for you to like her. One reason a lot of girls go on diets is so that guys will notice them.
Everyone: Compliment others. Make them feel loved, accepted and beautiful. Focus on people's good points, not their flaws. Not only will this make them feel good, it will make you glad to know you have made somebody's day a little brighter. -- BEEN HURT BEFORE IN MINNESOTA
DEAR HURT: Excellent advice! It is unfortunate that someone who is as thoughtful and caring as you has been hurt by the thoughtlessness of others. The insight you possess will take you far. I hope those around you conduct themselves by your example.
DEAR ABBY: I am one of those abused husbands who took your advice and moved out 18 months ago. Fortunately, I had the means to have my own place. I am a healthy, retired professional. My wife is also a retired professional with strong willpower. I was a widower (married 35 years with three children); she, a divorcee of about 12 years with a college-age daughter. We were associates at work who had known each other about 25 years.
We started out great and had some great times, but she has a violent temper. She resorted to extremely abusive language, coupled at times with physical attacks. Abby, I never struck back.
My departure was occasioned when, nine days after I returned home from a hospital following a painful knee replacement, she attacked me physically and verbally and told me to leave. At the time, I could barely walk. With the help of my son-in-law, I found a place and moved out.
I presented my wife with a separation agreement which she ignored. She has hinted several times that we should live together for financial reasons. I say that is a poor reason to maintain a relationship.
After about seven months, I filed for divorce. She has responded quite greedily and is trying to wipe me out financially. Yes, Abby, we had a prenuptial agreement, but a lot can be acquired in 11 years together. So now we're gearing up for a complicated and expensive trial.
Nevertheless, I am happy to be out of that relationship. My family is also happy for me. My daughter, her family and my sister can visit me anytime they want. My son is visiting me again. There is no tension now.
So, Abby, I want to tell you that I heartily agree with your advice to abused husbands: "Get out. It may be tough at first, but you'll adapt." -- FREE IN FLORIDA
DEAR FREE: Thank you for the firsthand testimonial. Divorce is never easy, and it can be costly -- but in your case, I'd say it's the better option. Enjoy your freedom; you've earned it.
Mom's Shining Example Still Lights Up Her Children's Lives
DEAR ABBY: I had to write after reading the letter from "Mom in Denver," who asked how to be a great mother. She wanted to avoid the mistakes her own mother had made with her and her siblings.
I have no children, but my life was enriched and greatly blessed by my own wonderful mother. She loved unconditionally, whether we were good or mischievous. She taught us humility and respect for our fellow beings by her altruistic example. She encouraged us to learn about the magnificent world in which we live, and gave us the freedom to learn about our place in it. She gave us the courage to explore our gifts and talents. When we failed, she never once said, "I told you it wouldn't work," or, "What a waste of time and money." Instead, she praised our efforts and, in so doing provided us with self-confidence and determination so we could persevere and achieve.
Our mother made mistakes, but when she did, she apologized with her heart and soul. When we made mistakes, she accepted our apologies. Conversations with Mother were never "adult talks and children listen." She taught us to express our emotions and thoughts on issues we faced. In short, we learned that we were valued for what we thought and how we felt, because she listened patiently and sincerely.
There was never a question of who was in charge; all it took was a stern look to know when we were on the outskirts of good standing. She knew what decisions a child could and should make and which were the responsibility of an adult, as well as age-appropriateness in relinquishing those decisions. By example we learned to nourish ourselves properly, value our health, and strive to lead full, balanced lives. We learned about God and were schooled in religion, but were also given the opportunity to question, ponder and disagree.
We shared in laughter and in tears. We told jokes and hilarious stories to each other. We had fun and learned to always have time for a friend. We shared stories and photographs from Mom's childhood and teens, so that we could know who she was before she became our mom. When one of us lost a friend struck by tragedy, she'd cry with us and share our grief.
This letter may be too long for your column, but if you print it, I hope it helps mothers like the one in Denver. Our beloved mom passed away from ovarian cancer at the age of 48 almost 11 years ago. From her, each of her children learned to navigate in a world from which she is physically absent. We celebrate each other's lives because we see her within each of us. Now, after having completed my Ph.D. in neurobiology, I'm finishing my M.D. and pursuing a future in neurosurgery. I have wanted to be a doctor for as long as I can remember, but I wonder sometimes if such would be the case had I not had such an extraordinarily great mom. -- MELISSA Y. MACIAS, ORIGINALLY FROM EL PASO, TEXAS
DEAR MELISSA: Not only have you provided great insight in what it takes to be a terrific parent, you have written a loving and eloquent tribute to your own mother. Please accept my deepest sympathy for having lost her at such a young age.
I know she would be proud of raising a daughter who is pursuing her dream, and who is already so intellectually accomplished. I hope that someday you can pass on what your mother taught you to children of your own.
Readers: I have received more wonderful letters on this subject than I can print in one, or even several columns. Therefore, I will continue to print them in the coming weeks.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
STEPMOM SAYS FAMILY PICTURE BELONGS IN ALBUM, NOT ON WALL
DEAR ABBY: I have read your column since I was young, and I know you have addressed this topic before, but I'm hoping you'll go over it again.
My husband was married once before. We lived together for a few years and were married a year ago. His 20-year-old son (I'll call him "Sonny") recently bought a new home. In the foyer, Sonny hung a family picture that was taken years ago. It includes his mother, father (my husband), him and his sister.
When I first saw it, my feelings were very hurt. I told my husband I thought it was inappropriate, since the marriage is history and he is now married to me. I wouldn't have a problem with the picture being kept in a photo album -- but in the main entrance to Sonny's house?
Sonny's mother gave him the picture because she no longer wanted it. She has a boyfriend now and has moved on with her life.
The picture doesn't seem to bother my husband. He thinks I'm being ridiculous and petty. He said if it bothers me that much, I should refrain from going over to Sonny's house.
Abby, please give my husband, his son and me some advice about this. I think it's time for all of us to live in the present. I'd like to see a picture of Sonny and his fiancee hanging on the wall instead. Don't you agree? -- PUT OUT IN PENDLETON, IND.
DEAR PUT OUT: You are reading far more into this than is merited. Your stepson may be sentimental about the time when his original family was intact, and no one can fault him for that. Besides, the house belongs to Sonny, and what he chooses to hang on the walls is his business, not yours.
Now that the family has expanded, why not give him a lovely housewarming present -- a beautifully framed picture of you and his father to hang on the wall next to the family portrait? And if you feel particularly generous, offer to treat him to a professional portrait of him and his fiancee to hang on the other side to balance the grouping.
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading your response to "Confused About Control." You may have overlooked a few key phrases in "Confused's" letter. This man has described warning signs of spousal abuse. His wife is definitely attempting to control him -- and the issue must be addressed quickly before the problem becomes intolerable.
Key to this conclusion: His wife, "Anne," must approve his clothing purchases. Abby, who is purchasing the clothing, and who will be wearing it? Anne is not making suggestions; she throws hissy fits if he doesn't go along with her. This is clearly intimidation, a major characteristic of spouse abuse, which is quite different from simply expressing dislike for some articles of clothing.
She has already begun to complain about his eating habits, his cologne, his job and his bald spot. Anne wants exclusive choice in what he wears, and more, and "Confused" gives in to avoid his wife's tantrums. Next she will be dictating whom he can see, where and when he can go out, when he can use the telephone and whom he can call. This will include his family. And she'll demand he tell her everything he says and does when they are not together.
Abby, please rethink your answer to this man and strongly suggest that he get some help before he becomes a prisoner in his own home. -- KATHRYN L. MARTIN, COUNSELOR, BREMERTON, WASH.
DEAR KATHRYN: Thank you for caring enough to share your professional expertise. I am printing your letter so that "Confused About Control," and other men who find themselves similarly dominated, will recognize the danger and seek help.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.