To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom's Shining Example Still Lights Up Her Children's Lives
DEAR ABBY: I had to write after reading the letter from "Mom in Denver," who asked how to be a great mother. She wanted to avoid the mistakes her own mother had made with her and her siblings.
I have no children, but my life was enriched and greatly blessed by my own wonderful mother. She loved unconditionally, whether we were good or mischievous. She taught us humility and respect for our fellow beings by her altruistic example. She encouraged us to learn about the magnificent world in which we live, and gave us the freedom to learn about our place in it. She gave us the courage to explore our gifts and talents. When we failed, she never once said, "I told you it wouldn't work," or, "What a waste of time and money." Instead, she praised our efforts and, in so doing provided us with self-confidence and determination so we could persevere and achieve.
Our mother made mistakes, but when she did, she apologized with her heart and soul. When we made mistakes, she accepted our apologies. Conversations with Mother were never "adult talks and children listen." She taught us to express our emotions and thoughts on issues we faced. In short, we learned that we were valued for what we thought and how we felt, because she listened patiently and sincerely.
There was never a question of who was in charge; all it took was a stern look to know when we were on the outskirts of good standing. She knew what decisions a child could and should make and which were the responsibility of an adult, as well as age-appropriateness in relinquishing those decisions. By example we learned to nourish ourselves properly, value our health, and strive to lead full, balanced lives. We learned about God and were schooled in religion, but were also given the opportunity to question, ponder and disagree.
We shared in laughter and in tears. We told jokes and hilarious stories to each other. We had fun and learned to always have time for a friend. We shared stories and photographs from Mom's childhood and teens, so that we could know who she was before she became our mom. When one of us lost a friend struck by tragedy, she'd cry with us and share our grief.
This letter may be too long for your column, but if you print it, I hope it helps mothers like the one in Denver. Our beloved mom passed away from ovarian cancer at the age of 48 almost 11 years ago. From her, each of her children learned to navigate in a world from which she is physically absent. We celebrate each other's lives because we see her within each of us. Now, after having completed my Ph.D. in neurobiology, I'm finishing my M.D. and pursuing a future in neurosurgery. I have wanted to be a doctor for as long as I can remember, but I wonder sometimes if such would be the case had I not had such an extraordinarily great mom. -- MELISSA Y. MACIAS, ORIGINALLY FROM EL PASO, TEXAS
DEAR MELISSA: Not only have you provided great insight in what it takes to be a terrific parent, you have written a loving and eloquent tribute to your own mother. Please accept my deepest sympathy for having lost her at such a young age.
I know she would be proud of raising a daughter who is pursuing her dream, and who is already so intellectually accomplished. I hope that someday you can pass on what your mother taught you to children of your own.
Readers: I have received more wonderful letters on this subject than I can print in one, or even several columns. Therefore, I will continue to print them in the coming weeks.
STEPMOM SAYS FAMILY PICTURE BELONGS IN ALBUM, NOT ON WALL
DEAR ABBY: I have read your column since I was young, and I know you have addressed this topic before, but I'm hoping you'll go over it again.
My husband was married once before. We lived together for a few years and were married a year ago. His 20-year-old son (I'll call him "Sonny") recently bought a new home. In the foyer, Sonny hung a family picture that was taken years ago. It includes his mother, father (my husband), him and his sister.
When I first saw it, my feelings were very hurt. I told my husband I thought it was inappropriate, since the marriage is history and he is now married to me. I wouldn't have a problem with the picture being kept in a photo album -- but in the main entrance to Sonny's house?
Sonny's mother gave him the picture because she no longer wanted it. She has a boyfriend now and has moved on with her life.
The picture doesn't seem to bother my husband. He thinks I'm being ridiculous and petty. He said if it bothers me that much, I should refrain from going over to Sonny's house.
Abby, please give my husband, his son and me some advice about this. I think it's time for all of us to live in the present. I'd like to see a picture of Sonny and his fiancee hanging on the wall instead. Don't you agree? -- PUT OUT IN PENDLETON, IND.
DEAR PUT OUT: You are reading far more into this than is merited. Your stepson may be sentimental about the time when his original family was intact, and no one can fault him for that. Besides, the house belongs to Sonny, and what he chooses to hang on the walls is his business, not yours.
Now that the family has expanded, why not give him a lovely housewarming present -- a beautifully framed picture of you and his father to hang on the wall next to the family portrait? And if you feel particularly generous, offer to treat him to a professional portrait of him and his fiancee to hang on the other side to balance the grouping.
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading your response to "Confused About Control." You may have overlooked a few key phrases in "Confused's" letter. This man has described warning signs of spousal abuse. His wife is definitely attempting to control him -- and the issue must be addressed quickly before the problem becomes intolerable.
Key to this conclusion: His wife, "Anne," must approve his clothing purchases. Abby, who is purchasing the clothing, and who will be wearing it? Anne is not making suggestions; she throws hissy fits if he doesn't go along with her. This is clearly intimidation, a major characteristic of spouse abuse, which is quite different from simply expressing dislike for some articles of clothing.
She has already begun to complain about his eating habits, his cologne, his job and his bald spot. Anne wants exclusive choice in what he wears, and more, and "Confused" gives in to avoid his wife's tantrums. Next she will be dictating whom he can see, where and when he can go out, when he can use the telephone and whom he can call. This will include his family. And she'll demand he tell her everything he says and does when they are not together.
Abby, please rethink your answer to this man and strongly suggest that he get some help before he becomes a prisoner in his own home. -- KATHRYN L. MARTIN, COUNSELOR, BREMERTON, WASH.
DEAR KATHRYN: Thank you for caring enough to share your professional expertise. I am printing your letter so that "Confused About Control," and other men who find themselves similarly dominated, will recognize the danger and seek help.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Best Man Ensures Wedding Comes Off Without a Hitch
DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine recently asked if I would be the best man at his wedding. Of course, I told him I would be happy to. However, there is one problem: What exactly do I do? I want to make sure I'm performing all the duties that are expected.
Would you please print a "job description" for me and all the other best men out there who are not completely sure what they are doing? It would be greatly appreciated. -- THE BEST, BUT A LITTLE LOST IN NEW YORK
DEAR BEST: It is an honor to be the best man, and one that is usually accorded to a brother or closest friend. As I point out in my booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding," the best man's job is to help the wedding proceed smoothly. The duties vary somewhat, depending on the type of wedding, but they typically include:
-- Making sure the ushers have their attire and appear for the ceremony on time;
-- Providing his own outfit;
-- Acting as a witness and signing the marriage license;
-- Either separately or with the ushers, providing a gift for the groom;
-- Attending the rehearsal, and rehearsal dinner, if there is one;
-- Volunteering to help the bride's mother in any way he can;
-- Arranging for the bachelor dinner;
-- Helping the groom dress and accompanying him to the church;
-- Taking charge of the wedding ring;
-- Presenting the clergy with the envelope containing the fee for the ceremony;
-- Offering the first toast to the bride and groom;
-- Mingling with the guests at the reception;
-- Helping the groom dress for going away;
-- Checking the car and luggage, and reconfirming the hotel reservations;
-- Driving the couple to the airport or hotel.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Mother of the New Kid on the Block," whose son is having trouble finding new friends in a one-friend-at-a-time neighborhood, prompts this letter. She said he gets on his bike and goes to another boy's home, only to find the other boy is not allowed to entertain more than one boy at a time.
Why does he have to go to someone else's house?
When our son was small and we moved to a new neighborhood, I invited the four neighbor boys near my son's age to our house on a Saturday afternoon for lemonade, stories and games. They enjoyed themselves so much they came over to our house to play every day. It was no trouble for me because my son was happy playing with his new friends in a safe place. I knew where he was and what he was doing at all times. The other mothers appreciated the fact that their children were supervised.
Yes, it takes some extra effort, but everything worthwhile takes work and commitment.
Abby, I'm glad I did it because my son had a happy childhood and grew up to be a well-adjusted man. -- JUANA O. ACOSTA, OXNARD, CALIF.
DEAR JUANA: Your solution was wise and loving, but it would have been more fair had the other mothers taken turns entertaining the children. Sharing the load lightens the burden.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)