Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Displays of Male Affection May Not Be What They Seem
DEAR ABBY: I have a gripe to air, and I hope you will consider printing it.
A few times a year, my adult son is allowed to visit me from his residence in a group home for the mentally disabled in another state. Despite his severe handicap, "John" is a well-behaved and loving son, of whom I am quite proud. Therein lies the problem.
When we are walking together in public, John will often grab my hand, as he did when he was a child, innocently unaware of the social taboos against such behavior.
Many times I have had to endure stares, snickers or outright insults from strangers who apparently interpret this hand-holding as homosexual bonding.
The emotional trauma of our separation due to divorce, distance and his institutionalization is enough pain for both of us. I don't want to forcibly remove my hand from my son's simply to avoid the mistaken notions of thoughtless people who have no idea what it means to suffer a cognitive disability.
Perhaps if there are any such judgmental souls among your legion of readers, they will think twice the next time they see two grown men holding hands in public. -- OHIO FATHER
DEAR FATHER: People who stare, snicker or insult strangers in public are hardly the kind of individuals who should be judging anyone else's behavior.
I hope they recognize themselves in your letter and, as you said, think twice before assuming anything and expressing any form of disapproval. People should never judge another until they have been down the same path.
DEAR ABBY: I have read, viewed and heard all that I can stand about nursing homes.
Your recent article, in which "Grieving in Orange, Texas" wrote about visiting nursing homes and the need for volunteers, angered me to the point of writing this letter. The writer states that she heard the residents crying out for their family members by name all night.
I have been in the nursing home business for years. For six of those years, I worked for Iowa's largest nursing home chain. I have visited many nursing homes statewide and never once experienced what this lady is talking about. Most nursing homes have staffs with hearts bigger than Texas. They, in a sense, become like family to the residents and the residents' families. The staffs care so much that they are usually with the residents at the time of death if no family is available.
Bottom line is that I'm tired of picking up the paper or turning on TV and hearing something negative about nursing homes. We care. We really do. Give us a break.
If you're looking for a good story, come to my nursing home. I will show you a dedicated staff and a nursing home full of satisfied residents. I know there are lots of homes around just like it. -- MICHELLE PALMER, R.N., ADMINISTRATOR, LENOX CARE CENTER, LENOX, IOWA
DEAR MICHELLE: Well said. Your letter deserves space in this column, so here it is!
From All Across This Country Comes Happy Chorus of Meows
DEAR ABBY: The results are in -- and everyone's a winner! During the North Shore Animal League's fourth annual Pet Adoptathon, nearly 21,000 dogs, cats, puppies and kittens were placed into loving, permanent homes. That means thousands of once-orphaned animals have received a new gift of life -- and thousands of caring adopters will forever know the joy and companionship that a pet can bring.
Abby, we couldn't have done it without you. The letter you printed in your column on April 28 from league president John Stevenson inspired thousands of animal lovers to call the Pet Adoptathon hotline for the name of their nearest shelter. Extra volunteers had to be called in because the phones never stopped ringing! It goes without saying that untold numbers of those callers visited their nearest shelter and found a friend for life.
On behalf of everyone -- people and pets -- I want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts. -- MARGE STEIN, NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE
DEAR MARGE: What gratifying news! You and everyone else who participated in Pet Adoptathon are the ones to be congratulated. Of course, the big winners are the individuals who have provided homes for homeless creatures, for they will be repaid many times over with unconditional love.
DEAR ABBY: Just a quick note of support for "Mom in Denver."
I, too, had a less-than-perfect childhood. I didn't realize it until I had my own two wonderful children. That's when I encountered confusion, anger and depression beyond belief. I wanted to be a better parent than I'd had, but I didn't know how.
Miraculously, a flier landed on our doorstep. It was a free offer to an "early childhood development" class in my neighborhood. School districts offer similar classes in most states.
Ten years ago, I walked into my first class and felt like I had been given a gift. As you stated in your response to "Mom in Denver," I had "an instinctive desire" that guided me, but I wanted better parenting skills. As a childhood development educator started to gather us around and sing, "You are special," I felt tears and knew I'd found the parenting help I was searching for.
I often tell my husband that I can't imagine what our family would be like today if I hadn't stumbled across those parenting classes. Abby, please pass the word to other parents. Families of all ages, incomes, marital status, races and religions are represented. I've been involved with three different school districts in Minnesota, and they've all been terrific. -- ANOTHER MOM IN THE MAKING, MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR MOM: Most communities offer parenting classes and/or family support programs, and they can be a lifesaver for new parents, parents facing difficulties with some aspect of child rearing, or those who simply want to learn to be the best parents they can. I recommend them.
Classes can be found through local school districts, colleges and universities, churches and other religious agencies, youth and recreation organizations, health services and hospitals, libraries, parenting periodicals and social service agencies. Your community is your best resource.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Junk Mail Solicitation Could End Up on Credit Card Bill
DEAR ABBY: Certain credit-card companies have adopted a practice that you and your readers need to be made aware of. An advertiser sent me some junk mail sponsored by a credit card that I owned. It concerned a 50 percent discount in green fees at selected golf courses. Since it was junk mail, I glanced at it and threw it out.
About a month later, a charge that I didn't recognize appeared on my credit-card statement. I called the credit-card company to have it removed from my bill. It turned out to be from the advertiser who had sent the junk mail about saving money at certain golf courses. The credit-card representative then informed me that this company had an agreement with them that silence means acceptance. In other words, somewhere in the small print in the junk mail, it stated that if I chose NOT to accept this offer I'd have to notify them; otherwise my credit card would automatically be billed!
I think this practice is sleazy, immoral and should be illegal. Please warn your readers that they must thoroughly read all junk mail sponsored or endorsed by credit-card companies. -- DISGUSTED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR DISGUSTED: I, too, think the practice should be illegal. But until it is, you're absolutely right: The only protection a credit-card holder has is to carefully scrutinize mailings that have been authorized by their credit-card company. The only alternative would be to cancel the card and find a company that doesn't use these tactics.
DEAR ABBY: It may seem unfair for a fourth-grade boy to be shunned by the boys in his new neighborhood, but I see another course of action for his mother to take that might provide a possible solution. At this child's age, it is important for his parents to become acquainted with his potential playmates and their parents. Why not suggest to the mother who wrote you that the newcomer PARENTS take the initiative and invite the neighbor boys to come to his home to play?
I am the mother of five (now grown) children, who are less than seven years apart in age. After school, playtime at our home (or elsewhere) had rules and limits for the children's safety and my sanity.
Shortly after moving to Texas, our youngest, "Betty," who was in the third grade, asked if she could accept an invitation to play at "Donna's" house. Donna didn't live in our immediate neighborhood and I didn't know her parents, so I suggested that Donna come to our home to play. I phoned her mother, who insisted that the girls play there. The invitations pingponged several times before both of us admitted that we were just cautious about unfamiliar households.
I don't remember who went to which house first, but Donna and Betty became good friends -- and my husband and I have enjoyed knowing Donna's family.
The mother of the new kid on the block is herself new on the block, and she should be willing (even eager) to become better acquainted with her neighbors. -- TEXAS GRANNY
DEAR TEXAS GRANNY: Thank you for sharing your experience with that young man's mother, as well as any other parent whose child is in the same situation. If the problem can be resolved as simply as this mother reaching out to other mothers in the neighborhood, I'm sure your letter will encourage her to do so.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)