To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR READERS: Today is Father's Day, and I offer good wishes not only to fathers everywhere, but also to those caring individuals who are donating their time mentoring youngsters whose fathers are absent or deceased.
On Mother's Day, I printed a poem titled "The Reading Mother" by Strickland Gillilan. It reminded me that a few years ago, Hilda Bigelow, a retired teacher in Cocoa, Fla., wrote a companion poem honoring her father on his day. Read on:
FATHER TALKED TO ME
I had a father who talked with me --
Allowed me the right to disagree.
To question -- and always answered me,
As well as he could -- and truthfully.
He talked of adventures; horrors of war;
Of life, its meaning; what love was for;
How each would always need to strive
To improve the world, to keep it alive.
Stressed the duty we owe one another,
To be aware that each man is a brother.
Words for laugher he also spoke,
A silly song or a happy joke.
Time runs along, some say I'm wise;
That I look at life with seeing eyes.
My heart is happy, my mind is free,
I had a father who talked with me.
Many readers also have asked me for a prayer in memory of a father who is no longer living. The following is a prayer from my Hebrew Union Prayer Book, the one that is recited on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. It is also available in my "Keepers" booklet:
IN MEMORY OF A FATHER
"Thy memory, my dear father, fills my soul at this solemn hour. It revives in me thoughts of the love and friendliness which thou didst bestow upon me. The thought of these inspires me to a life of virtue; and when my pilgrimage on Earth is ended and I shall arrive at the throne of mercy, may I be worthy of thee in the sight of God and man. May our merciful Father reward thee for the faithfulness and kindness thou has ever shown me; may he grant thee eternal peace. Amen."
DEAR ABBY: Being a good parent is the hardest job in the world. Sometimes we succeed; sometimes we fail. You had a poem in your column once on how to measure success as a parent. Would you please run it again? -- A WEARY FATHER IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR WEARY: This should cheer you up.
SUCCESS
by Martin Buxbaum
You can use most any measure
When you're speaking of success.
You can measure it in fancy home,
Expensive car or dress.
But the measure of your real success
Is the one you cannot spend.
It's the way your kids describe you
When they're talking to a friend.
Happy Father's Day!
Teen Who Doesn't Drink Is Left High and Dry by Friends
DEAR ABBY: Hi! I'm a high school teen-ager from a little town in Washington state. This is the first time I have written to you. I hope you can give me some good advice.
I love sports, and my school has a code that if we get caught at a party where there is drinking or drugs, we get kicked out of sports. My life would really be over if that happened to me.
My problem is that I don't drink and everyone else in this small town does. It seems to me that I get pushed away by my friends because I don't drink.
I had a friend for about eight years, and during our sophomore year, he started to drink. This was when we stopped talking. I went my way and he went his. During basketball season, he got caught at a party and was kicked off the basketball team along with some other players. I felt bad for him, but I didn't know what to say.
Now everyone is out partying, and I'm home alone doing nothing, wishing I were out having fun with them. If I'm doing the right thing, please tell me why I feel that I'm being punished, and the people who drink are the ones out having fun.
Abby, can you give me some advice to cope with this stress? -- STRESSED-OUT IN WASHINGTON
DEAR STRESSED-OUT: The facts about teen-age drinking are disturbing, and don't be so quick to accept the myth that "everyone is out partying." Your peers are using this to pressure you to join them in their dangerous and illegal behavior. While it may appear that all your classmates are having fun, that kind of behavior is risky and sometimes carries a heavy price.
It may be difficult to stick to your decision to stay home while your classmates are drinking and doing drugs at parties, but trust me, it's the right decision. Fill your time with positive activities that will make your commitment more rewarding -- and might attract others who prefer drug- and alcohol-free socializing. I'm sure there are other teen-agers in your community who privately agree with and follow your policy of avoiding alcohol, but who are shy about speaking up in front of peers who might make fun of them.
Read the biographies of your favorite sports figures, invite others over to watch games on television, start a collection of sports memorabilia -- or help younger kids in your community develop their own athletic skills. Not only will this make you feel good about what you're doing, you'll win the admiration of others. You already have mine, for setting a good example and sticking to it in spite of peer pressure.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 35-year-old divorced male who has read your column since I was a kid. After reading your response to "Turkeyless in Arkansas," I felt compelled to write.
I believe two "turkeys" have already been bagged. Gwen, for dating someone who apparently has zero comprehension of who she is, and "Turkeyless" for insisting his girlfriend like all the same activities he does.
Mutual interests are important in a relationship, but I'll take mutual respect and open, honest communication first and every time. I have several friends who are avid hunters, married to women who despise the idea. But they have strong relationships based on love for who each other is -- not what activities they each participate in.
If "Turkeyless" really wants to bag a record-size bird -- tell him to shoot a mirror. -- MICHAEL CURRY, DALLAS
DEAR MICHAEL: You are obviously a man with solid values and an excellent sense of humor. (And eligible, too!) I have a hunch that when this letter is printed, it'll be open season in Dallas.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mementos of Wife's Affair May Make Her Marriage a Memory
DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my wife, "Sheila," had an affair that nearly destroyed our 15-year marriage. She carried on the affair right under my nose, telling me she had simply made a "good friend" on a trip she had taken with a girlfriend. At first I was trusting and naive, and then too much in denial to openly challenge the small gifts, cards and phone calls that began arriving shortly after her return. When I asked if there was anything more to it than just friendship, she lied to me.
With counseling, our marriage has survived, although it is still somewhat shaky. My current problem is that after I discovered the affair, I told Sheila I wanted her to get rid of the gifts she had received from this creep, which she had the audacity to openly display in our home. Now she has boxed them up and put them in the basement, but she's balking at getting rid of them.
To me, her reluctance means she hasn't really let go of the relationship. I'm ready to dissolve the marriage as a result. I'd appreciate your feedback. -- SEETHING IN SEATTLE
DEAR SEETHING: You have every right to expect Sheila to dispose of the souvenirs along with the relationship. If your wife is unwilling to accommodate your reasonable request, both of you need to reconsider the logic of staying in this marriage.
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for all the letters you are printing about abuse. Your recent letter from Michael Groetsch in Kenner, La., about "serial batterers" really got my attention.
I was in an abusive marriage for 34 years, and I know what breeds abuse -- it's silence. Abby, I'm not silent anymore. I now work for a women's crisis center, and I was recently asked by the Texas Department of Criminal Justice to tell my story. I was on a victim impact panel for a sensitivity training seminar for law enforcement. I have since been asked to speak at other meetings and plan to do so.
On the door to our office hangs a sign. It says, "There's no excuse for abuse." Those few words say quite a lot. Keep up the great work, Abby. There should be more out there like you. -- KAREN IN VICTORIA, TEXAS
DEAR KAREN: You are to be commended for your activism in helping other abused women.
I would like to correct a statement I made in my answer to Michael Groetsch: I stated that the majority of domestic abuse comes at the hands of men who are "unable to control their anger -- not psychopaths," and I added that these people can be helped through therapy and anger management programs. I regret to say that I may have spoken too optimistically.
In his book, "He Promised He'd Stop" (C.P.I., 1997, $14.95), Mr. Groetsch points out that a batterer who is motivated to change and feels remorse can be helped. But a serial batterer is generally cold, detached, and does not possess a conscience. Professionals report that therapy with a serial batterer is rarely, if ever, successful. While the habitual offender may enter a treatment program (often court-ordered), he rarely completes it. He generally enters counseling only to manipulate his partner into dropping criminal charges and returning to him. The safest recourse for victims of chronic abuse is to end the relationship, once a comprehensive support system and personal safety plan have been established.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)