Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
CASTING LINE FOR PEN PAL, WOMAN CATCHES NEW FRIEND
DEAR ABBY: Although this is years late, I am writing to thank you. For years I saw the addresses you printed for Operation Dear Abby. I always thought it would be nice to write to someone, but I put it off. In September 1990, when our troops were sent to the Gulf, I decided to do it.
Within three weeks I had a response. My pen pal was a young Marine with a family. I was a working woman caring for my elderly father. Our letters continued for the entire time he was in the Gulf. You cannot imagine my surprise when, shortly after his return to the United States, I received a phone call. He and his family were coming to New York City for a vacation and wanted to meet me.
Ten days later they came to dinner, and our correspondence became a deep friendship. Our two families became one. Over the next few years we spent vacations and holidays together, and we shared each other's joys and sorrows. The phone bills boosted the stock in several phone companies.
My father passed away in late 1995, but I know that our friendship with them added joy to his last years. Losing Dad was very difficult for me, and without the support and caring of my pen pal and his family, it would have been even more so. In my wildest dreams I never expected one letter to have such life-altering results. My pen pal is my best friend.
I wanted you and your readers to know that sometimes the smallest acts can produce the greatest results, and I hope this letter makes you smile. -- NEW JERSEY PEN PAL
DEAR PEN PAL: It has, and thank you for it. Your letter proves that doing a selfless good deed not only helps others, but sometimes rewards the giver tenfold.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Confused in Arizona," a man who has the courage to admit that he is a victim of domestic violence. This is more pervasive than people think.
My personal saga began several years ago, when I went from one violent marriage into another. In my case, I filed charges and restraining orders against both violent individuals. At each point in the process, I have been subjected to ridicule and scorn. After all, only women are abused in this society, aren't they?
At one point, when I was in court on a domestic violence oomplaint against my wife, the judge, the defense attorney and the prosecutor all actually laughed out loud in open court at the idea that a man would file a domestic violence complaint. My wife got off, as you might expect.
Yes, I did end both relationships, but the damage has been severe. Counseling for men is woefully unavailable. There is a cultural bias that only women are abused in this society. All of the literature available for domestic violence victims refers to "he," "him," etc. as the perpetrator of the crime. It's no wonder we're embarrassed to report it.
Hang in there, "Confused." Get out and find a safe place -- but realize that you won't be believed, you will be laughed at, and there will be roadblocks at every crossroad in your recovery process. Thanks for allowing me to vent, Abby. We need outlets for our frustrations. -- NO LONGER TERRIFIED IN TACOMA
DEAR NO LONGER TERRIFIED: It is deplorable that you were treated with such insensitivity by officers of the court. Regardless of who commits it, violence is never a laughing matter.
Embers of First Marriage Still Stir in Woman's Heart
DEAR ABBY: "Brian" and I fell in love at first sight as teen-agers. We married very young, but he was the most wonderful, caring, loving man I'd ever known. He treated me like a queen.
We moved far away from our hometown, and I was homesick. I didn't give married life a chance. I acted like a baby instead of the married woman I was and returned to my parents. Brian begged me to stay, but I refused to listen. I planned on going back to Brian and our life together "sometime." Besides, I was having fun being single and partying -- so when Brian flew home to talk to me, I brushed him off. Two months after that he moved in with a woman and filed for divorce. When I received the papers, I realized I'd made a mistake. I wrote Brian a letter apologizing and begging for another chance. He never wrote back. That was 20 years ago.
I have been married to "Charlie" for 15 years. We had some good times together, but about three years ago we started drifting apart. Neither of us cared enough to do anything about it -- and it's to the point where we don't even sleep in the same room anymore. It's only a matter of time until we divorce. I'd be gone already, but I need to pay off some bills before I go.
On a recent trip to my hometown, I ran into Brian while I was shopping with my mother. I was stunned at the strength of the feelings running through me. My heart stopped and I was completely in love again. I could barely speak. My mother did all the talking.
I feel like a love-struck teen-ager. Brian is on my mind 24 hours a day. We never had a "last talk"; we never said goodbye.
I recently ran into Brian again. (Yes, it was a planned "accident.") He was very nice. He's not married, but he's living with someone. I wrote him a long letter, apologizing for everything I did and thanking him for all he did for me. In it, I said if there's ever a time he'd be willing to talk to me, I'd like to. I didn't tell him I love him or want him back in my life, but the point comes across. I want him to know that if there ever could be a chance, I want it.
Should I give him the letter? Please help me. Tell me right from wrong. I have no one to talk to and nowhere to turn. -- IN LOVE WITH BRIAN
DEAR IN LOVE: You are putting the cart before the horse. You owe it to yourself, your husband and to Brian to sort out your present marital and financial situation before telling this man that you are "available." Bear in mind that even if you give the letter to Brian, there is no guarantee he will respond to it in the way you hope.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from the lady who asked her ex-daughter-in-law to hand down the family sterling to her granddaughter set me to giggling in memory of my own very wonderful mother-in-law. She had promised to crochet a bedspread for her son and me.
She was married to a man with "itchy feet," so they moved about three times a year, which left her with very little time to work on the spread, but she finally finished it!
Twenty-one years later, her son and I divorced. I stewed a long time about that bedspread. Obviously, I was no longer in the running -- so I wrote her a letter and suggested that she give it to one of my kids or one of her other grandchildren.
I was not prepared for her response: "Not to worry. I unraveled it." -- MS. MONTY MILLER, BUCKLEY, WASH.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mother Protecting Daughter Provokes Ugly Family Fight
DEAR ABBY: My husband, our 6-year-old daughter (I'll call her Marcia), and I recently drove to my sister-in-law's, several states away, for a visit. At dinner, I was introduced for the first time to her new boyfriend, "Joe." The man was sloppily dressed and didn't look very clean.
After dinner, Joe and several of the other male guests who had been drinking during dinner went out to continue drinking. Marcia asked to spend the night at my sister-in-law's, but I was reluctant to let her stay in a home where these men would be returning later, no telling how intoxicated.
I was concerned for Marcia's safety and put up a fight. I got pretty ugly in front of her and my husband. Marcia was crying and my husband was yelling. Nobody cared to listen to my reasons for not wanting her to stay.
Abby, I grew up with an alcoholic father. He used to come home drunk and get very mean with my siblings and me. I didn't want the same thing to happen to my little girl.
Marcia ended up staying there for the night, and Joe did come back drunk. He finally passed out on a couch near my daughter's bedroom. The next day, Marcia said Joe and my sister-in-law were talking loudly for hours after he returned, and she didn't get much sleep.
Now my sister-in-law won't speak to me, and my husband and mother-in-law are upset with me for the way I acted. I believe I acted as any mother would who has had experience with drunks.
How can I fix this? -- A MOM WHO TRIED IN FLORIDA
DEAR MOM: Although your motives were noble, you over-reacted. Had you approached the problem calmly and rationally instead of putting up a fight, you might have gained support for your position.
Write your mother-in-law and sister-in-law notes of apology for the unpleasant scene, and apologize to your husband and daughter. In the future, make sure the sleeping arrangements are clear to Marcia BEFORE you visit this household.
DEAR ABBY: I was recently asked to be a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding. Flattered, I gladly accepted. When I was told that the dress she selected would cost me $240, I was shocked. I told the bride that I couldn't afford to spend that much for a dress, but I would be happy to go shopping with her to find something less expensive. When she informed me that changing the dress was not an option, I told her that I would be unable to participate in the wedding.
She did not protest my decision, or try to come up with an alternate solution such as paying for half of the dress. Instead, she asked another girl to take my place in the wedding.
Abby, this has been bothering me for weeks. I feel like she chose a dress over her friendship with me. Am I overreacting? What do you think? -- OUSTED IN OREGON
DEAR OUSTED: Obviously it was more important for your friend to have the bridesmaid dresses that she preferred than to have you as a bridesmaid.
Are you overreacting? Only if you let this end your friendship. The bride was insensitive to your financial situation, but releasing you from an obligation to be in a wedding you couldn't afford to participate in is not an issue great enough to lose a friendship over.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)