What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Girl's Bosom Buddy Appears to Be Breaking Their Bond
DEAR ABBY: I had few close friends in grade school, but I did have one close confidante, "Janie" -- a girl in my class. We went on to high school together, which made the transition easier.
In my sophomore year I found a great group of friends, but Janie and I also continued our close relationship.
I'm a junior now, and a new girl I'll call Tammy has joined our group. She, too, had problems making friends when she was younger, but Janie accepts her. In fact, they share many common interests.
Tammy tells me everything the two of them do together, especially when I'm not invited to participate. I try not to let it bother me, but I must admit I'm hurt that my best friend spends so much time with Tammy instead of me. I don't want to be possessive and prevent Janie from forming new relationships, but neither do I want someone to come between my best friend and me.
Abby, Janie tells me that I'm still important to her, but I don't like feeling like second banana. I'm worried that Janie and I are slipping away from each other. -- FEELING LEFT OUT
DEAR FEELING LEFT OUT: It is not possible to "own" another person. You and Janie are growing up, and part of growing up is developing new interests and new relationships. Janie's compatibility with Tammy should not make you feel insecure. View this as an opportunity for you to branch out in new directions, and it will make you stronger and more popular.
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the kind words about square dancing. Abby, members of square dance clubs do more than just dance. We have picnics, barbecues, potluck dinners, parties -- seasonal and otherwise -- and attend special events together. We take bus trips and get together to play cards or dine at nice restaurants. We also go on square dance cruises. There are opportunities for as much involvement as anyone cares to enjoy.
My husband, Don, and I have been square dancing since 1981 and consider it the best activity we have ever been engaged in. Don and I have held office in the club at least once, and are past presidents of the Associated Square Dancers of California (an organization of 70 square dance clubs in Southern California). We are currently chairing the 50th National Square Dance Convention, to be held in Anaheim, Calif., in June 2001.
Abby, our slogan for this year is "Square Dancing Is Fun and Friendship Set to Music."
We urge people who want to make friends and have a good time to take square dance classes or get back into a club if they have let their membership lapse. While it takes a little time to learn the dances, they will have fun learning and will be happy for the decision. They will never be lonely again -- unless they choose solitude. -- DON AND DONNA WEBB, TORRANCE, CALIF.
DEAR DON AND DONNA: I'm sure many people will take you up on your invitation. Readers, anyone who's interested in finding out where and when dances or lessons are offered should call 1-800-FUN-4ALL (386-4255). Square dancing is not only fun and entertaining, it's also great exercise.
CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME IS ALL TOO REAL FOR THOSE IN PAIN
DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, Eugene Schoenfeld, M.D., stated, "There is no evidence for the misguided belief that chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome patients have a problem with their immune system, and all the reliable evidence indicates that they suffer from depression." It is important to REJECT that comment. Dr. Schoenfeld's remarks are very unfair to CFIDS sufferers. It is clear that he is not familiar with either this disorder or the literature on it.
In 1995, at the first world meeting on CFIDS in Brussels, Belgium, there was no argument about the validity of the disorder, and evidence was presented indicating characteristic abnormalities of the immune system. Please be aware that in Europe it's called "myalgic encephalomyelitis."
Almost all CFIDS patients suffer marked impairment of cognitive function, particularly memory loss. The other debilitating complaints include headache, insomnia, chronic sore throat, tender lymph nodes, fever and muscular disorder -- fibromyalgia.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta have published a free pamphlet available to the public titled "The Facts About Chronic Fatigue Syndrome" (March 1995). There should no longer be any argument about the validity of this disorder. -- HERBERT L. HYMAN, M.D., F.A.C.P., ALLENTOWN, PA.
DEAR DR. HYMAN: Thank you for your succinct rebuttal. Since I published Dr. Schoenfeld's letter, I have been inundated with outraged letters from CFIDS sufferers and their families, who felt invalidated by the doctor's comments. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I appreciate your response to the letter from Dr. Schoenfeld that recognized that CFIDS is very real to those who suffer with it. When I started the Yardley Area Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Support Group three years ago, I wondered if there would be any need for such a group in our small town. Today, there are nearly 100 people on our mailing list. Members' stories are varied, but their suffering is the same, and it's compounded by confusion in the medical community about the syndrome and lack of a physical marker that could be used to identify it.
If anti-depression medication were the answer to CFIDS, my daughter would have recovered five years ago. It is heartbreaking to see a high-energy 35-year-old woman lose the zest for living that had been her hallmark. I, too, might question the reality of CFIDS if I had not had to stand by helplessly and watch her change. -- SYLVIA J.BINGHAM, YARDLEY, PA.
DEAR SYLVIA: It is my sincere hope that your daughter and the many thousands of others who suffer from chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction soon find a cure. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I suffer from CFIDS, yet I am not depressed. Why? Because the physician I went to diagnosed me right away because she had come down with CFIDS two years earlier! She did a complete medical and blood workup on me to eliminate any other possible causes for my symptoms. I, too, would have been depressed if every physician I went to told me there was nothing wrong with me and it was all in my head.
Dr. Schoenfeld should consult with Dr. Paul Cheney of Charlotte, N.C.; Dr. David Bell of Lyndonville, N.Y.; Dr. Nancy Klimas of the University of Miami, Fla.; or Dr. Anthony Komaroff of Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston -- or any of the other myriad physicians who have researched and documented this debilitating disease.
Patients seeking information about chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome should be referred to: The CFIDS Association of America Inc., P.O. Box 220398, Charlotte, N.C. 28222-0398. The toll-free number is 1-800-442-3437. -- LAURA ALMAN, SUFFOLK, VA.
DEAR LAURA: You were, indeed, fortunate to have found a doctor who determined the cause of your symptoms. Many are not so lucky. Your letter may help multitudes.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Can't Get Close Enough to Man Who Needs His Space
DEAR ABBY: I'm 32 years old and in love with a man I met six months ago. The problem is that I'm not sure he cares about me.
He has recently gone through a tough divorce that hurt him deeply. His ex-wife was the first and only relationship he has ever had.
Things were going well for us until a few months ago, when he told me he "needed his space." We got back together, and then about a month after that he began to slowly slip away from me again. Each week he would distance himself more, until one day I received a letter from him stating that he felt we were not meant for each other.
I love him so much, Abby, and I don't want to lose him forever. I keep hoping he'll change his mind and come back to me, because at work he still has a picture of the two of us on his desk. Does this mean something? Please help? -- HEARTBROKEN IN VERMONT
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but the timing couldn't have been worse for the two of you to have met. A man who is fresh out of a tough divorce from a wife who was his first and only love has many issues to work through before he settles down to another serious commitment.
The fact that he still keeps a photograph of the two of you on his desk means that the association is a pleasant one for him. But you're ready to get serious and he's not, so keep looking.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior in my 70s, and I have a theory about why women outlive men. At any senior center that has exercise, line dancing and aerobic classes, you are lucky to see one or two men participating. The women are as happy as hens in a barnyard -- dancing, exercising and giving each other hugs. I am one of the few men in the classes, and at times I'm the only man.
As I leave the classes, I notice men in the reading room sitting a mile apart with their noses buried in a book, while their wives help each other stay healthy both physically and mentally. I think the isolation and loneliness of men kill them before their time. -- FAST EDDIE, GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.
DEAR FAST EDDIE: That's a keen observation. What's astonishing is how easy it can be to reverse those unhealthy habits. Following a regular program of moderate exercise and relieving stress by communicating with others in a social environment should not only add years to men's lives, but make those years more enjoyable.
DEAR ABBY: I may be able to help "Frustrated Husband," whose wife's sex drive was decreasing while his seemed to be increasing. My husband and I were in the same situation. I was tired after working all day, then caring for our daughters and trying to keep the house straight.
Sex never crossed my mind unless my husband mentioned it. I was usually too tired or distracted by all the "to do" lists running through my mind to look forward to a sexy evening.
By chance, I started reading romance novels. Suddenly my sex drive increased dramatically. Some of them are very descriptive, and they caused me to think about sex throughout the day (something my husband says he's always done). The result is, come bedtime, I've been mentally preparing for lovemaking all day long. Sometimes I'm even the initiator. My husband and I are happier and more satisfied. -- BEEN THERE, DOING THAT
DEAR BEEN THERE: I almost ripped my bodice when I read your solution. Now why didn't that occur to me?
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)