DEAR ABBY: I have the prettiest girlfriend in the world -- and the nicest, I thought, until I realized that "Gwen" does not understand or respect my favorite sport: hunting.
Yesterday, my hunting partner and I took Gwen with us hunting for wild turkeys, so she could understand the appeal. I explained everything to her the night before, but hunting day was a disaster. She wasn't up at 4:30 a.m. like I told her to be. Then she dressed and fixed her hair and did makeup the way she usually does. She absolutely refused to wear the face paint and camouflage I'd given her.
In the woods, she refused to whisper or walk quietly. Her hairspray attracted mosquitoes and bees, and she wouldn't stay where we told her to. To top it off, when we finally spotted a turkey and got close, Gwen threw up her arms and screamed, "Run, turkey! Run!"
My friend couldn't stop laughing. I am so angry I haven't been able to speak to her since. Abby, how could this woman be so insensitive to my feelings? Now I'm no longer sure this relationship is a good idea. Gwen is good-looking and can cook, but is this relationship worth salvaging? I'm not giving up my turkey hunts! -- TURKEYLESS IN ARKANSAS
DEAR TURKEYLESS: How can you call yourself "Turkeyless" when you brought Gwen with you?
Whatever her feminine virtues may be, Gwen is clearly not someone who's likely to develop a love for blood sports.
If your ideal woman is one who enjoys rising at 4:30 a.m., wearing camouflage while she accompanies you on a hunting expedition, you're barking up the wrong tree. Gwen may look like a trophy, but you've been chasing a decoy.