For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Chick Who Finally Leaves Nest Fears Mother Hen Will Follow
DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old woman who recently bought my own home and moved out of my parents' house. I am delighted to finally be on my own. I can come and go as I please, entertain my friends and watch anything I choose on television. All of these new freedoms were "issues" when I was living with my parents.
My mother has recently been having trouble with my dad. She has told me that if the situation doesn't improve, she's going to come and live with me. She doesn't ask if she can live with me; she says she's going to.
I have urged her to talk out her differences with Dad, but she refuses. She says it's no use. I've told her that I enjoy being able to live my own life. She said, "Oh, you'll still be able to do that," but I'm not so sure.
Abby, if I say I'm happy on my own, she lays a guilt trip on me and says, "Fine, I'll go live with your sister ... she'll take me in."
I've tried telling her she is perfectly capable of living on her own and mentioned several women her age that we both know, but she gets upset and says I am a terrible daughter.
Abby, am I terrible to feel this way? At 29, I need my freedom. -- FEELING GUILTY IN THE DESERT
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Your feelings are understandable. However, bear in mind that your mother is in turmoil at the moment. If the situation with your father does not resolve itself, consider offering her temporary refuge for a specific amount of time. When that time is up, if she is still determined to live apart from your father, help her find a place of her own, or let her move in with your sister.
DEAR ABBY: When I saw the headline in your column about domestic violence, and read that you had received letters about women who physically abuse their boyfriends and husbands, I could hardly believe it. I thought I was the only one.
I have been married for 10 years. The first five years were great. Then one day my wife hit me and we got into a terrific fight, which she won. Since then, every once in a while we have another fight after an argument and she beats me up. It is awful.
I never told anyone because I didn't have the nerve. I still love her and she makes over me afterward, which is nice, but other times I don't know what to do. I read about domestic violence, but it is always the women who are the victims. Is there any special advice about what a man should do when he's the victim? -- CONFUSED IN ARIZONA
DEAR CONFUSED: Females abusing males is nothing new, and it is far more common than most people suspect -- for the very reason you gave: Men are embarrassed to admit it.
I offer the same advice to men that I give to women: End the abusive relationship. Although there are few shelters for men because it is believed that it's easier for them to leave than it is for women, if you need moral support and suggestions, call a shelter for battered women and inquire if they also counsel men. If they do not, see a private counselor.
Now is the time to take action because the situation isn't likely to change unless your wife gets long-term counseling -- and even then, there is no guarantee the leopardess will change her spots.
DEAR ABBY: I have a sibling who will not communicate with me because he is angry that I have power of attorney for our elderly mother, who is now in a nursing home. He is six years older than me. Two friends of mine have experienced the same painful problem; both tell me it is common.
I have gone out of my way to include my brother in decisions, saying HE can decide what money to use to pay Mother's bills: property? savings? CDs? He refuses to discuss any issues. I send detailed information about Mother's finances and care. He doesn't respond.
Since the immediate family lives several hundred miles from Mother, we continue to employ one of the nurses who cared for Mother when she lived at home. She visits Mother for extended times on a regular basis, and Mother really likes her. My brother has been unkind to this lady, refusing to speak to her when they meet in Mother's room.
I suggested to my brother that both of us be with Mother on her 90th birthday, knowing this would really please her. He refused -- or more accurately, he did not respond.
I am blessed to have a close family member who helps me regularly with Mother's care and financial decisions. She audits the checkbook regularly. This help and moral support make my situation bearable.
Oddly, I agree with my brother. I, too, think he should have had the power of attorney. He's smarter than I am, and he lives closer to Mother. I suggested as much to her several years ago, but she said, "No, I don't believe I want to do that." So, I do all the work and get no thanks. I don't mind the work, but I do mind the unkind treatment.
Do you have any suggestions? -- HURT BROTHER IN OHIO
DEAR HURT BROTHER: Only this: Keep accurate records of all transactions you make on your mother's behalf -- in case your brother decides to question your handling of her assets at a later date. And keep your distance. He is taking out his anger and jealousy not only on you, but also on others he perceives as being "close" to your mother. Trying to placate him won't help.
From your description of your older brother's behavior, I think your mother made a wise decision when she chose to give you the power of attorney.
Doing the right thing is not always pleasant. You are to be commended for being a dutiful son and for carrying out your mother's wishes.
DEAR ABBY: I am 68 years old and have been a fan of yours for many years. In a recent column, you mentioned that in some states, living together for a specific number of years constitutes common-law marriage. Would you be kind enough to publish a list of those states? -- J.D. IN TUCSON
DEAR J.D.: They are Alabama, Colorado, Georgia, Idaho, Iowa, Kansas, Montana, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Texas, Utah and the District of Columbia. However, the legal requirements for a valid common-law marriage vary from state to state. In some of them, more than cohabitation is required. Therefore, any couple considering common-law marriage should consult an attorney before assuming that their union is legal.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I would like to contribute the enclosed clipping from my local newspaper. Add it to your collection of good deeds; I cried when I read it. We see so many stories about bad kids in the media, such as children killing other children. This proves there are good kids out there, too. Sign me ... A BIG SOFTY IN EUGENE, ORE.
DEAR SOFTY: The article brought tears to my eyes, too. And I'm pleased to share it with my readers:
"We took four of our younger children to the Sheldon Community Center for an Easter egg hunt. Jessica is 9 1/2 and totally blind. She felt it was more fair to hunt with kids her age, rather than with younger kids. At first I wasn't sure this would work; there were many 9-, 10- and 11-year-old kids, gathered in a group, anxiously waiting for the horn to sound. Two girls went out on the field ahead of time. It took a little convincing by the head guy to get them back to wait with the others.
"The horn sounded, and the kids all ran out, picking up eggs like a huge street cleaner. Jessica had her cane ready, but it's hard to slide a cane back and forth on wet grass 'looking' for eggs. There weren't any eggs left for my daughter.
"A father and son were nearby. The boy reached into his small bag, took out a plastic egg and placed it near my daughter. She felt all around her and found the egg. Her face lit up as she placed it in her bag. The little boy then took out two more eggs and placed them around her. One could see the joy he felt in sharing with my daughter.
"Soon, more kids came along, each placing an egg near Jessica. It was hard for me to even thank the kids because my throat was tight and tears tried so hard to escape from my eyes.
"One child came along with a huge bag of eggs and reached down to grab one of the eggs Jessica hadn't found yet, one that was about two inches away from Jessica. Two of the other kids quickly said, 'They are hers!' She gently put the egg back within Jessica's reach. That young girl learned a little that day -- a little about herself, a little about sharing.
"As kids learn to reach out to others, at this young age, they acquire a habit that will last a lifetime. This warm feeling will spread from child to child and will truly help to make this a better world." -- LAHNA RASMUSSEN
DEAR ABBY: Long ago, my lovely wife solved the problem cited by "Frank B. in Chicago," who objects to his wife putting her hair in curlers before she goes to bed.
My Marge laid down the law before we were married: If I wanted her to look good the following day without using curlers the night before, I could jolly well pay for her weekly visit to the beauty parlor.
Expensive as it was at the time (we were only 22), I accepted. That's the way it has worked, to the satisfaction of both of us, for 53 years. -- WILBUR W. IN ATLANTA
DEAR WILBUR: Far be it from me to knock anything that has worked for 53 years!
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)