Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
WIFE FEELS SLINGS AND ARROWS FROM HUSBAND'S WAR OF WORDS
DEAR ABBY: All my life, I've lived the way I was raised to live -- church every Sunday, living those commitments during the week, and holding family and marriage above all else. I have waited on my husband hand and foot, taken excellent care of our family, done all of the housework and parenting (he was always too busy), and did nothing without first thinking how it would affect the family.
After 25 years of my husband running around on me, I kicked him out. (My goal was to wait until the children were out on their own.) Now, he has started the most malicious (and untrue) rumors about ME. I'm sure it's to cover up his escapades. People in this small town are having a heyday with the gossip. I can't even go to the grocery store without someone making a snide remark or not speaking to me. I am crushed.
For years I worked with every organization my children were involved in, held offices, cooked, baked, ran errands, raised money and supported all of their efforts. I came to know a lot of people this way -- and they came to know me.
What happened to those friendships? Why are people listening to the gossip and feeling sorry for him? His mother, sisters and brother have all had extramarital affairs, and it has been well known in this community. (His brother's affair was plastered across the front page of the local newspaper as part of a murder trial.)
Why are people believing him now? Please don't tell me that time will fix everything. It's been six months and the gossip is getting worse. Obviously, I can't sign my name or hometown -- I don't want to even think about what gossip would result from it.
My husband saw a psychologist and a psychiatrist for two years. They urged me to throw him out because they felt he was dangerous. I've talked with them both, and they tell me to just hang in there and ride it out.
Abby, that's much easier said than done. Please help me. I have talked with my husband's ex-aunt at length. She tells me his uncle did the same things to her, and she feels the same way I do. Is there no end to this malicious gossip and hurt? -- LONELY AND HURTING
DEAR LONELY AND HURTING: Probably not until the gossips in your town find something else titillating to talk about. The problem with gossip is that it sometimes takes on a life of its own, becoming more outlandish the farther it travels from its source.
Unless you plan to leave the community, you are going to have to do what your husband's psychologist and psychiatrist told you to do -- ride it out. If you need an ally, your clergyperson could be a valuable one throughout this difficult time.
Bear in mind that people who make snide remarks, or refuse to speak to you without having given you a chance to defend yourself, were never your friends to begin with -- so you haven't lost anything. It's possible that those who are siding with your ex-husband are doing it because of his perceived status in the community, not because the gossip is believed.
People who are truly your friends will listen to you, support you and help you build a future. Although this is a bitter chapter in your life, it is only a chapter. It's not the whole story. Viewed in the proper perspective, this experience will only make you stronger.
DEAR ABBY: I am 13 years old and would like to ask a favor. May I say thank you through your column to an inspirational speaker?
Dave Roever, a Vietnam veteran, came to our middle school in Sherwood, Ore., to speak at an assembly. His face had been badly scarred while he served in the armed forces.
During assemblies at our school, we are required to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. My friends and I have usually done this very carelessly, just to get it over with and move the assembly along faster so we can leave.
When Mr. Roever went to the microphone, he asked us to say the Pledge of Allegiance like we meant it. Then he talked about serving in Vietnam and the hardships encountered by our soldiers and the Vietnamese people.
He really made me think about our country, and how lucky we are to have liberty and justice for all. "Thanks, Mr. Roever." And thank you, Abby, for letting me say this to him publicly. -- ANONYMOUS STUDENT
DEAR STUDENT: I am gratified that young people are being taught the price of freedom, and that they are sufficiently intelligent to appreciate the sacrifices made by the members of the armed forces everywhere so that we may enjoy our liberty.
For those who may not have recited the Pledge of Allegiance in some time or may have forgotten the words, here they are. (I'll recite the pledge on Memorial Day, and hope that all my readers will, too.)
"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I travel throughout the United States during the summer months. Because your readership reaches all across the country, I would like to make a simple request:
I love lemon in my iced tea; however, when ordering iced tea in a restaurant and requesting lemon, they invariably give me a slice of lemon instead of a wedge. Evidently the chef slices the lemons in the morning for decoration -- and everyone knows you don't get much juice from a slice. Have you ever tried to squeeze a slice of lemon? Yuk!
Don't you think it would be possible for restaurant chefs to cut a few lemons in wedges for those of us who enjoy the lemon juice in a glass of iced tea? I'm not a picky person, but I'd appreciate your help in educating a few restaurateurs.
Please don't sign my name, as my Mormon sisters would not understand why I am ordering iced tea. Sign me ... INCOGNITO
DEAR INCOGNITO: It would be a no-brainer for chefs to provide lemon wedges for iced-tea-loving patrons during the summer months, when iced tea consumption rises. And I'm sure that many of them will.
However, just in case you happen to visit a restaurant where the chef has overlooked it -- why not carry an emergency lemon with you? Or, if it's too bulky, consider taking along some small squares of cheesecloth so that you can wrap half a dozen lemon slices and squeeze them together. They would take up no more space than a handkerchief.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Two Lives With Two Wives Are Tearing Therapist Apart
DEAR ABBY: I have reached the point of desperation, and hope that you can help me find some answers and some sanity.
I am 56 years old, and after more than 30 years of a troubled marriage, I left my wife for a girl 18 years younger whom I had known less than a year. We were married five months later, but I knew immediately that my dream marriage was a mistake -- and within days I returned to my wife. Although our children are grown, I knew they needed their parents to be a stable family unit, and I couldn't get over having abandoned them.
My first wife took me back, but none of our problems had changed and I was as miserable as ever, unable to forget the young wife I had deserted. After a couple of months I returned to her.
Now I feel guilty about what I've done to my kids, no one from my old life is speaking to me, and all of it is affecting my relationship with my new wife.
I am afraid of another breakup and can't imagine where I would go or what I would do. Please don't suggest I see a counselor. I am one. -- ADRIFT AND AFRAID IN OHIO
DEAR ADRIFT: Please read this carefully: Because you are a counselor doesn't mean you do not need to see one. You will not be the first therapist who has needed to see a therapist. Many therapists are required to undergo analysis as part of their training, and many of them continue to do it as a "reality check" after dealing with so many disturbed people.
You are not a pingpong ball, and you cannot keep bouncing back and forth between spouses. Not only is it crazy-making for you, it's very unfair to them. Please waste no time in making an appointment with a therapist you can trust, respect, and who has an excellent track record. You'll be glad you did. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are getting married in November. His sister "Sue" and I have never gotten along. However, last year, despite our differences, I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding.
I knew she was thinking about trying to get pregnant (as she is almost 30), so I asked her if there would be a conflict with her being in the wedding party. She said there would be no problem and assured me that if she did start trying to get pregnant, her due date would not coincide with the wedding.
A few months later, Sue and I spoke again about the pregnancy, and she once again assured me that there would be no conflict. In fact, although she was trying to get pregnant, she promised she would stop trying for a few months to be positive she wasn't due in November.
Well, surprise, surprise! She is now pregnant and is due 10 days after the wedding. Needless to say, my fiance and I are very hurt and upset that she let this happen. We feel like she betrayed us and lied without caring about our feelings. We think she acted very selfishly. My fiance's parents think we are wrong to be upset. What do you think? -- THE HURT BRIDE IN TEXAS
DEAR HURT BRIDE: Your quarrel seems to be more with Mother Nature than with your future sister-in-law. However, according to "Emily Post's Complete Book of Wedding Etiquette," "It is better not to choose as a bridesmaid a girl who is noticeably pregnant unless she and the bride are completely comfortable about it." If Sue still wants to be in the wedding, take her to a dressmaker and have a maternity dress made to match the other bridesmaids' attire.
You might also have a junior bridesmaid in your wedding party lineup who is willing to be a pinch-hitter on short notice if Sue can't go the distance.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)