What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Two Lives With Two Wives Are Tearing Therapist Apart
DEAR ABBY: I have reached the point of desperation, and hope that you can help me find some answers and some sanity.
I am 56 years old, and after more than 30 years of a troubled marriage, I left my wife for a girl 18 years younger whom I had known less than a year. We were married five months later, but I knew immediately that my dream marriage was a mistake -- and within days I returned to my wife. Although our children are grown, I knew they needed their parents to be a stable family unit, and I couldn't get over having abandoned them.
My first wife took me back, but none of our problems had changed and I was as miserable as ever, unable to forget the young wife I had deserted. After a couple of months I returned to her.
Now I feel guilty about what I've done to my kids, no one from my old life is speaking to me, and all of it is affecting my relationship with my new wife.
I am afraid of another breakup and can't imagine where I would go or what I would do. Please don't suggest I see a counselor. I am one. -- ADRIFT AND AFRAID IN OHIO
DEAR ADRIFT: Please read this carefully: Because you are a counselor doesn't mean you do not need to see one. You will not be the first therapist who has needed to see a therapist. Many therapists are required to undergo analysis as part of their training, and many of them continue to do it as a "reality check" after dealing with so many disturbed people.
You are not a pingpong ball, and you cannot keep bouncing back and forth between spouses. Not only is it crazy-making for you, it's very unfair to them. Please waste no time in making an appointment with a therapist you can trust, respect, and who has an excellent track record. You'll be glad you did. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are getting married in November. His sister "Sue" and I have never gotten along. However, last year, despite our differences, I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding.
I knew she was thinking about trying to get pregnant (as she is almost 30), so I asked her if there would be a conflict with her being in the wedding party. She said there would be no problem and assured me that if she did start trying to get pregnant, her due date would not coincide with the wedding.
A few months later, Sue and I spoke again about the pregnancy, and she once again assured me that there would be no conflict. In fact, although she was trying to get pregnant, she promised she would stop trying for a few months to be positive she wasn't due in November.
Well, surprise, surprise! She is now pregnant and is due 10 days after the wedding. Needless to say, my fiance and I are very hurt and upset that she let this happen. We feel like she betrayed us and lied without caring about our feelings. We think she acted very selfishly. My fiance's parents think we are wrong to be upset. What do you think? -- THE HURT BRIDE IN TEXAS
DEAR HURT BRIDE: Your quarrel seems to be more with Mother Nature than with your future sister-in-law. However, according to "Emily Post's Complete Book of Wedding Etiquette," "It is better not to choose as a bridesmaid a girl who is noticeably pregnant unless she and the bride are completely comfortable about it." If Sue still wants to be in the wedding, take her to a dressmaker and have a maternity dress made to match the other bridesmaids' attire.
You might also have a junior bridesmaid in your wedding party lineup who is willing to be a pinch-hitter on short notice if Sue can't go the distance.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 36-year-old food server with a 12-year-old son. I have been married four times. The first marriage lasted seven years, the second lasted nine months, the third lasted a year. When I married my fourth husband, I realized within the first two weeks that I had made another mistake, so I had the marriage annulled.
As you can guess from the number of times I have been married, I want to be married. But for some unexplained reason, I start arguments and sabotage my relationships. Since my last marriage, I find myself starting to sabotage as early as the third or fourth date.
Men usually like me and are puzzled by my arguments and sudden cold shoulder. When they ask me to explain what is wrong, because they can't figure out why I won't speak to them for days, I can't give them an answer.
Abby, I don't know why I do this. I feel terrible about it, but I can't seem to stop. I have noticed that with a couple of the men, the ones who didn't push for too much intimacy right away, I didn't start arguing or fighting quite so quickly. Perhaps I need my space, and when they encroach on it I unconsciously use arguments to regain my independence.
Have you any idea why I do this, and how I can stop driving nice men away? I do want a loving relationship. -- PAT IN POCATELLO
DEAR PAT: You are reacting the way you do because on some level you are afraid of letting a man get beyond your defenses. Why you put up a barrier is something that only you can answer.
The quickest way to get to the root of the problem is through professional counseling. You have already taken the first step by admitting that you have a problem; now, take the next step -- counseling.
DEAR ABBY: I'm the 83-year-old grandfather of a 28-year-old grandson, "Tom," who was never taught discipline. He was discharged from the military with an "unfit for service" discharge. While he was in the service, he never acknowledged gifts sent to him on Christmas, birthdays or other occasions.
Upon his return home, Tom stole his father's vehicle and credit cards and left for parts unknown. He charged hundreds of dollars on the cards, including charges for prostitutes. When he found him, Tom's father did nothing except send him to an uncle's in another state. This uncle took him into his home. Shortly thereafter, Tom stole blank checks, forged his uncle's name and cleaned out the account. The uncle didn't press charges.
Tom then visited another uncle who was ill, supposedly to care for him and help out. He did -- by stealing money from him also. This uncle pressed no charges, either.
An aunt got Tom a good job and signed papers to help him buy a car. Then he met a topless dancer in a bar and left the state with her and the car.
Upon their return, Tom and the girl came to me, and I refused to let them in my home. Did I do wrong? Now my son, Tom's father, won't call me, talk to me or anything. -- DISHEARTENED GRANDFATHER IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR GRANDFATHER: You were wise to protect yourself from your seriously disturbed grandson.
The person to whom your son should be directing his anger is himself, for not recognizing that Tom needed professional help while it was still possible to do something for him.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband's Everyday Kindness Is More Precious Than Gifts
DEAR ABBY: This letter is for "A Mom in Washington" concerning her daughter "Sybil's" boyfriend and his reluctance to give gifts. I hope this letter will be helpful.
The young man won't change, and the situation will only worsen as time goes on if Sybil allows it. The only person Sybil can change is herself.
Instead of crying and putting a strain on the relationship, she needs to ask herself if the young man has other important qualities that might make him a good husband and father. If so, she should be prepared to purchase things she likes, charge them to him, and tell him that's what he "bought her" for her birthday, Christmas, anniversary, etc.
I was married to a man very much like him, and I shed more tears than I care to remember. Valentine's Day was just an ordinary day at our house; on Mother's Day I was told "you're not my mother"; our aniversary was his birthday, so we celebrated his birthday; my birthday was close to Christmas, so I might receive a gift for one or the other -- but never for both occasions.
Life is short. So pick your arguments. Some people are givers and others are takers. Somehow relationships always seem to have one of each in them. -- WISER NOW IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR WISER NOW: Thank you for sharing your personal experience. As the song says, "Little Things Mean a Lot." I received many comments about that letter. Read on for another perspective:
DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "A Mom in Washington" regarding her daughter's boyfriend who was reluctant to buy gifts.
I don't understand the obsession that people (and women, in particular) have with gifts. They are NOT what is important. Yes, I am a woman -- happily married for 26 years and practically giftless for all of them. I did receive flowers twice, when our children were born. I have never received jewelry, candy, lingerie, perfume, or any of those other gifts that women seem to think define their relationship. I have received appliances -- and even a smoke alarm one Christmas.
Do I care? No. No gift could possibly substitute for the daily kindness that abounds in this household. There are hundreds of examples, but most recently, when I severely cut my finger, I awoke the next morning to find a newly purchased bag of bandages -- just because I "might" need them. It was one of the sweetest, most considerate things I've ever seen -- and far more touching than any obligatory gift on a special day.
Sisters, get over your obsession with gifts. If you're not getting thoughtfulness every day, no gift is going to make it better. (And if it does, you are indeed materialistic.)
Your advice missed the mark, Abby. The boyfriend doesn't need to "adjust" -- Sybil does, and so does her mom. -- WAKE ME UP WHEN WOMEN GET A CLUE
DEAR WAKE ME: Whether it's a gift or a compliment, thoughtfulness and romantic gestures are never out of style.
I have often thought that the most sensitive sex organ in men or women is the EAR, and the most potent aphrodisiac is the spoken word.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)