What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Commitment Is Not Marriage in Eyes of Religion and Law
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the advice you gave to "Upset in Tennessee," whose son was unhappy that his live-in was not considered a part of the family.
You are so right about this arrangement not being sanctioned by religions, and that the right to inherit property, the right to collect their Social Security benefits, share in lower cost on insurance and to make medical decisions are not allowed couples who are not legally married. The live-in may even be barred from the beloved's hospital room.
Abby, I have lived with a man for 40 years. We have paid our taxes; raised two fine children who are now responsible, loving, law-abiding adults; volunteered when our community needed us; attended church regularly; and yet we never married.
I have read your column for years and was often amazed by the advice you have given your readers. I seldom disagreed with it. But this time I was astounded by your answer because it stated in print what gays have been fighting for so loudly over the past decades.
Oh, did I forget to mention that my live-in and I are gay? -- SANTA CLARITA, CALIF., READER
DEAR SANTA CLARITA READER: I am in favor of committed relationships, regardless of the sexes of the individuals. I think what makes religious conservatives uncomfortable at the notion of same-sex committed partnerships is the term "marriage." Call it what you will, legally recognized domestic partnerships carrying equal legal entitlements should be available to everyone. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to "Upset in Tennessee," who refuses to recognize her son's "live-in" because the two are not married.
I have a slightly different twist to the story. I am a gay man in my 40s and have been in two long-term relationships. The first was for 12 wonderful years and ended in 1990 when my partner died. When he and I visited my parents at the same time my brother and his live-in girlfriend did, my mother showed my brother and his girlfriend to separate bedrooms, but showed my partner and me to the same bedroom.
My brother was upset and asked, "Mother, why are you making us sleep in separate rooms and letting 'Jim' and 'Doug' share the same room?" Mother responded: "If Jim and Doug could be married, they would be, so in my eyes, they are married. You, on the other hand, CHOOSE not to be married and therefore, under my roof, you will abide by my rules."
Abby, I wish the law and society were as wise and understanding as my parents.
I agree that people who love each other and have a committed relationship should be married, and I wish I could marry the person I love and have lived with for six years. But until society can accept our love, I guess we will have to be without benefit of the "cheap piece of paper." As it stands, if he becomes ill and hospitalized, I may not even be allowed to visit him.
Thanks, Abby, for hearing me out. I wish I COULD "make it legal." -- MARRIED IN MY HEART
DEAR MARRIED: Your mother is a woman with great insight and compassion. And I hope that one day soon your wish is granted.
Hot, Steamy Bathroom Is Not the Best Place for Medicines
DEAR ABBY: When I had my medications refilled, I received a printout that advised, "Store at room temperature away from moisture and sunlight." When I questioned the pharmacist, she told me that the moisture in a bathroom may lessen the effectiveness of medications. She said this is true for both prescription and nonprescription drugs.
This was news to me! I have always kept my medications in the medicine cabinet in my bathroom. Isn't that what the cabinet is for? -- QUESTIONING OLD HABITS, MONROE, N.C.
DEAR QUESTIONING: Most pharmacists agree that the bathroom "medicine" cabinet is NOT the best place to store medications, because the varying temperature and steam can adversely affect them. Since most prescription drugs are taken around mealtime, a wiser choice would be to keep your medications in the kitchen -- away from direct sunlight, heat and children -- and reserve the medicine cabinet for toiletries.
DEAR ABBY: As a passport acceptance agent, I would like to inform the public of a beneficial aid for distressed parents who are concerned that the other parent might steal their child out of the country.
A parent may file a Denial of Passport by notifying The Office of Passport and Advisory Services, 111 19th St. NW, Suite 260, Washington, D.C. 20524-1705. The written request must be accompanied with required information, including the appropriate court order document. Further information may be obtained by calling (202) 736-7000. If there is a possibility that the child has dual nationality, that country's embassy or consulate should be contacted to inquire about denial of that country's passport. -- GERI BROOKS, THURSTON COUNTY CLERK, OLYMPIA, WASH.
DEAR GERI: Thank you for volunteering this helpful, possibly vital information. It's heartbreaking that anyone should need it, but I hope it will bring readers with custody issues some peace of mind.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to correct a statement made by a reader in one of your recent columns. The writer was Thomas E. Smith, Ph.D.
It is not "many" medical professionals who deny that chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome (CFIDS) is a real disease, but MOST of us who hold this view -- and for good reason. There is no evidence whatsoever for the misguided belief that these unfortunate patients have a problem with their immune systems. All the reliable evidence indicates that they suffer from depression.
However, many people still do not accept the idea that the body may be affected by the mind, and the mind by the body. Depression untreated surely causes as much suffering as any other disease. Fortunately, we now have medications that more effectively treat symptoms of depression -- one of which is fatigue. Even those few physicians who do believe in the existence of CFIDS treat such patients with anti-depression medications. -- EUGENE SCHOENFELD, M.D., PSYCHIATRIST, AUTHOR AND COLUMNIST, SAUSALITO, CALIF.
DEAR DR. SCHOENFELD: Other physicians have written to echo your sentiments on this subject. However, whatever the cause of CFIDS, it is a real disease to those who suffer from it, and whatever method is used to treat CFIDS, if it works, then I am for it.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOMS WHO READ TO THEIR KIDS LEAVE THEM PRICELESS LEGACY
DEAR READERS: Today is Mother's Day, and I welcome this opportunity to offer congratulations and good wishes to my readers as we honor our mothers and celebrate this sentimental occasion.
I've had many requests over the years for the following poem written by Strickland Gillilan. It emphasizes how a mother reading to her child can enrich both their lives. The poem also is a favorite in my "Keepers" booklet.
THE READING MOTHER
(By Strickland Gillilan)
I had a mother who read to me
Sagas of pirates who scoured the sea.
Cutlasses clenched in their yellow teeth;
"Blackbirds" stowed in the hold beneath.
I had a mother who read me lays
Of ancient and gallant and golden days;
Stories of Marmion and Ivanhoe,
Which every boy has a right to know.
I had a mother who read me tales
Of Gelert the hound of the hills of Wales,
True to his trust till his tragic death,
Faithfulness lent with his final breath.
I had a mother who read me things
That wholesome life to the boy heart brings --
Stories that stir with an upward touch.
Oh, that each mother of boys were such!
You may have tangible wealth untold;
Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold.
Richer than I you can never be --
I had a mother who read to me.
I am often asked by readers whose mothers are no longer living if I know of a special prayer that might be offered to honor the memory of a deceased mother.
The one with which I am most familiar is the prayer I found in my Union Home Prayer Book. It is the one Jews recite on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.
IN MEMORY OF MOTHER
"I remember thee in this solemn hour, my dear mother. I remember the days when thou didst dwell on earth, and thy tender love watched over me like a guardian angel. Thou has gone from me, but the bond which unites our souls can never be severed; thine image lives within my heart.
"May the merciful Father reward thee for the faithfulness and kindness thou has ever shown me; may he lift up the light of his countenance upon thee and grant thee eternal peace. Amen."
DEAR ABBY: What is the significance of wearing a single carnation on Mother's Day? -- FLOWER CHILD
DEAR CHILD: A red carnation is worn to signify that one's mother is living. A white carnation signifies that one's mother is deceased.
There should also be an identifying flower worn by those mothers who chose motherhood by rearing a foster child or stepchild.
And a special place in heaven awaits those mothers who choose a physically or mentally challenged child, knowing that he or she has not only special needs, but also requires a super abundance of love, understanding and patience.
Happy Mother's Day!
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)