CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Easter will soon be here, and although I've cautioned you before, I must caution you again: If you plan to surprise a child with a live rabbit, baby duck or chick, please consider that living creatures need proper care. Unless you are absolutely certain that the little creature will receive the care it needs to survive, please give a stuffed bird or animal instead. Regardless of how cute baby animals are, they should not be given to children on impulse.
Minister's Wrath Rains Down on Collecting Ceremonial Fees
DEAR ABBY: I have just read with disgust a letter in your column from a clergyperson giving a specific time when the clergy should be paid for performing a marriage. The writer is concerned that if payment is not made preceding the ceremony, he/she will have to ask for payment at a later time.
Ministers in most churches receive a salary that should include the performance of any service done in the church. I cannot help but wonder what the tab would be for a baptism or a funeral. In my denomination, services such as those are considered sacraments of the church. To even think of charging for any of them is nothing short of blasphemy.
Certainly, I have received gifts from brides and grooms for performing their wedding ceremony, but to expect or to ask for payment is simply not acceptable. It is crassness such as this that gives the church and its ministers much bad press.
Do you suppose that this person sends statements proclaiming "service rendered" that carry a monthly service charge if not paid promptly?
Hopefully, this individual will remember that the role of a minister is primarily that of a servant. -- THE REV. RALPH O. MARSH, ATHENS, GA.
DEAR REV. MARSH: Perhaps you are judging this clergyperson a bit too harshly. A survey of churches in the Los Angeles area reveals that some churches charge a "usage fee" for the church building (and minister), while others charge non-members to perform marriage ceremonies, but waive the fee for members.
Now that people know your policy, I predict your membership will increase by leaps and bounds.
DEAR ABBY: When I fell in love with Rodney, he was a single parent with a 4-year-old son called "Junie," for Junior. Rodney's wife had died before Junie was a year old. When I came on the scene, Junie started calling me "Mama" because I was the only mother he had ever known.
Now, after 10 years of marriage, some of Rodney's relatives still refer to Junie and me as "stepmother" and "stepson." That just breaks my heart.
When will I officially be known as "Mom"? -- JUNIE'S ONLY MOM
DEAR MOM: To people who think the way Rodney's relatives do, probably never. You can't change them, but you can change the way you react to them. When you are referred to as "stepmother," you might remind them that, although you may not be his biological mom, you are the only mother Junie has known. Then bask in the knowledge that you are truly Junie's mom, regardless of what anyone calls you.
DEAR ABBY: This is my "how we met" story:
In 1948, two friends stopped by my home and told me they were going to a dance in Brooklyn. Since I lived in New Jersey, I told them I didn't want to go. I had no car, so I didn't want to get involved with a girl so far away. Well, they would not take "no" for an answer. Since they had a car, I gave in and decided to go.
At the dance, I saw a very tall and attractive girl across the room. I walked over to ask her to dance, but another guy beat me to it. So instead of going back to where I had been, I asked the girl who had been sitting next to her for a dance.
To make a long story short, last month we celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. -- STILL DANCING IN BERGENFIELD, N.J.
DEAR STILL DANCING: Congratulations on your golden anniversary. All married couples should be so lucky.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
IT'S TIME FOR CANDY SCOFFLAW TO GIVE AS WELL AS RECEIVE
DEAR ABBY: We have a large candy jar in our office that is kept filled by the people who eat the candy. All the secretaries contribute regularly.
Our problem is one of the executives. She scoops out candy by the handful every time she passes the jar, but has never contributed a dime! She has been "reminded" several times, but she continues to ignore our requests.
We've even tried letting the jar remain empty for several days, but she just waits until we refill it, then she cleans it out again. This is creating a lot of resentment -- as well as expense -- for those of us who can least afford it. (Her salary is more than all the secretaries combined.)
Abby, we don't want to penalize everyone else by doing away with the candy jar, but we can't afford to continue feeding this moocher. What should we do? -- SWEET DILEMMA IN TULSA
DEAR SWEET DILEMMA: Shame on her. Her "perks" as an executive should not extend to the employees' snacks. Pool your money for a stash of candy that remains out of sight -- and leave the jar empty.
DEAR ABBY: I made a big mistake. I got involved with a married man at work. Everyone in town knows about it, and I'm embarrassed and ashamed.
His wife has filed for divorce and his kids aren't speaking to him. He told me his wife didn't understand him and she drank too much. I recently found out that I was not his first affair.
I wish it had never happened, but now I feel obligated to stand by him because he's alone and it's partly my fault. He says he loves me and has no one else. I feel trapped, even though I don't really love him.
I'd quit my job tomorrow, but I'm a middle-aged single parent and jobs are hard to find. Any suggestions? -- SORRY, LONELY AND DESPERATE
DEAR SORRY: Yes. Don't compound your mistake by staying with a man you don't love. The relationship will be easier to end if you make a clean break.
Start looking for another job now. This married man is not your responsibility; he has found "someone" more than once, and he probably will again. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: "Hurting in Whittier," age 45 with wrinkles, complains that men prefer younger women. Tell her that she IS a younger woman to men in their 50s, 60s and beyond.
Mature men have learned that as a woman ages, she becomes increasingly attractive. She gains more in wisdom, empathy and kindness than she loses in appearance. And, of course, men similarly improve.
"Hurting" is shopping in the wrong age bracket. -- VOLNEY V. BROWN JR., RETIRED JUDGE, DANA POINT, CALIF.
DEAR JUDGE BROWN: Whether you're ruling from a bench in a courtroom or a bench in a park, you have rendered an enlightened opinion. It takes keen vision to see past the surface to the core of what's important. (And they say that "Justice is blind"!)
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY MUSLIM READERS: Happy Eid Al-Adha.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Why is there no place for people to safely leave unwanted children and babies? Shouldn't there be a law stating that a child left at a police station or hospital would be immediately available for adoption?
Abby, so many children need time, effort, prayer, money, and visible, vocal adults to help them. I'm referring to the many little ones who are abused, maimed, brutally tortured or left to die horribly alone every year. This happens often with unwanted, resented or hated children. The parents or other legal guardians feel there is no other way to get rid of them. The deaths are not always intentional, but the abuse is.
The stories haunt me: a baby girl, unwanted by both parents, whose burned body was left in a garbage dump in the desert; a well-dressed baby pulled out of San Francisco Bay; a newborn infant left beside an infrequently traveled road; another baby left in bushes near a playground. And a mother who buckled her children into car seats and rolled the car into a lake!
These are not predators who take children from their homes, out of yards or off the streets. They are mothers, fathers, or the lovers of the legal guardians who do these terrible things.
What of the teen mother who can't cope with being a child herself, let alone being a mother? The abusive father who can't cope with his own life, let alone the demands of a child? The grandparents who, having raised their own children, find themselves in the twilight of their lives trying to raise a grandchild? These are people who don't want to admit to themselves or to society at large that it's easier, sometimes even a relief, to destroy the baby in their care.
If parents or caregivers could leave these children at a "safe place" with no questions asked -- and no effort to prosecute them for abandonment -- perhaps fewer children would die.
As it is now, law enforcement is compelled by law to track these people down. It's left for strangers to grieve for these children. I know this letter is unprintable, but I just had to give vent to this. The burned baby left in the desert haunts me like no other. -- DOROTHY L. MILLER, PITTSBURG, CALIF.
DEAR DOROTHY: Thank you for your heartfelt letter. Crisis nurseries that provide respite care for stressed-out caregivers exist in some cities, and I'm told a small percentage of the children left in them are abandoned each year.
Before the laws can be changed, society's attitude toward parents who relinquish children needs to change, so that parents and caregivers are not perceived as "bad" for placing children for adoption. There are ways to safely surrender children -- adoption placement services; however, until people are no longer stigmatized for doing so, a percentage of these children will be abused, and some will die.
I know that a number of people who work with battered and traumatized children quietly agree with your proposed solution. However, until parents who are unable to fulfill the idealized role of parenting are no longer condemned for admitting it, nothing will change.
DEAR ABBY: Some months ago you asked your readers to define "elderly." That prompted me to write this poem:
REALITY CHECK
I feel young and full of pep,
Rushing hither and yon.
Enjoying every passing day
Seldom woebegone.
Until the daily news proclaims:
"Elderly Woman Hit by Car."
And I am halted in my tracks,
My pleasant world ajar.
Forced to face reality --
That "elderly" woman is younger than me!
-- ELIZABETH VAN LOAN, BRADENTON, FLA.
DEAR MS. VAN LOAN: Right (or write) on!
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.