Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
IT'S TIME FOR CANDY SCOFFLAW TO GIVE AS WELL AS RECEIVE
DEAR ABBY: We have a large candy jar in our office that is kept filled by the people who eat the candy. All the secretaries contribute regularly.
Our problem is one of the executives. She scoops out candy by the handful every time she passes the jar, but has never contributed a dime! She has been "reminded" several times, but she continues to ignore our requests.
We've even tried letting the jar remain empty for several days, but she just waits until we refill it, then she cleans it out again. This is creating a lot of resentment -- as well as expense -- for those of us who can least afford it. (Her salary is more than all the secretaries combined.)
Abby, we don't want to penalize everyone else by doing away with the candy jar, but we can't afford to continue feeding this moocher. What should we do? -- SWEET DILEMMA IN TULSA
DEAR SWEET DILEMMA: Shame on her. Her "perks" as an executive should not extend to the employees' snacks. Pool your money for a stash of candy that remains out of sight -- and leave the jar empty.
DEAR ABBY: I made a big mistake. I got involved with a married man at work. Everyone in town knows about it, and I'm embarrassed and ashamed.
His wife has filed for divorce and his kids aren't speaking to him. He told me his wife didn't understand him and she drank too much. I recently found out that I was not his first affair.
I wish it had never happened, but now I feel obligated to stand by him because he's alone and it's partly my fault. He says he loves me and has no one else. I feel trapped, even though I don't really love him.
I'd quit my job tomorrow, but I'm a middle-aged single parent and jobs are hard to find. Any suggestions? -- SORRY, LONELY AND DESPERATE
DEAR SORRY: Yes. Don't compound your mistake by staying with a man you don't love. The relationship will be easier to end if you make a clean break.
Start looking for another job now. This married man is not your responsibility; he has found "someone" more than once, and he probably will again. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: "Hurting in Whittier," age 45 with wrinkles, complains that men prefer younger women. Tell her that she IS a younger woman to men in their 50s, 60s and beyond.
Mature men have learned that as a woman ages, she becomes increasingly attractive. She gains more in wisdom, empathy and kindness than she loses in appearance. And, of course, men similarly improve.
"Hurting" is shopping in the wrong age bracket. -- VOLNEY V. BROWN JR., RETIRED JUDGE, DANA POINT, CALIF.
DEAR JUDGE BROWN: Whether you're ruling from a bench in a courtroom or a bench in a park, you have rendered an enlightened opinion. It takes keen vision to see past the surface to the core of what's important. (And they say that "Justice is blind"!)
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY MUSLIM READERS: Happy Eid Al-Adha.
DEAR ABBY: Why is there no place for people to safely leave unwanted children and babies? Shouldn't there be a law stating that a child left at a police station or hospital would be immediately available for adoption?
Abby, so many children need time, effort, prayer, money, and visible, vocal adults to help them. I'm referring to the many little ones who are abused, maimed, brutally tortured or left to die horribly alone every year. This happens often with unwanted, resented or hated children. The parents or other legal guardians feel there is no other way to get rid of them. The deaths are not always intentional, but the abuse is.
The stories haunt me: a baby girl, unwanted by both parents, whose burned body was left in a garbage dump in the desert; a well-dressed baby pulled out of San Francisco Bay; a newborn infant left beside an infrequently traveled road; another baby left in bushes near a playground. And a mother who buckled her children into car seats and rolled the car into a lake!
These are not predators who take children from their homes, out of yards or off the streets. They are mothers, fathers, or the lovers of the legal guardians who do these terrible things.
What of the teen mother who can't cope with being a child herself, let alone being a mother? The abusive father who can't cope with his own life, let alone the demands of a child? The grandparents who, having raised their own children, find themselves in the twilight of their lives trying to raise a grandchild? These are people who don't want to admit to themselves or to society at large that it's easier, sometimes even a relief, to destroy the baby in their care.
If parents or caregivers could leave these children at a "safe place" with no questions asked -- and no effort to prosecute them for abandonment -- perhaps fewer children would die.
As it is now, law enforcement is compelled by law to track these people down. It's left for strangers to grieve for these children. I know this letter is unprintable, but I just had to give vent to this. The burned baby left in the desert haunts me like no other. -- DOROTHY L. MILLER, PITTSBURG, CALIF.
DEAR DOROTHY: Thank you for your heartfelt letter. Crisis nurseries that provide respite care for stressed-out caregivers exist in some cities, and I'm told a small percentage of the children left in them are abandoned each year.
Before the laws can be changed, society's attitude toward parents who relinquish children needs to change, so that parents and caregivers are not perceived as "bad" for placing children for adoption. There are ways to safely surrender children -- adoption placement services; however, until people are no longer stigmatized for doing so, a percentage of these children will be abused, and some will die.
I know that a number of people who work with battered and traumatized children quietly agree with your proposed solution. However, until parents who are unable to fulfill the idealized role of parenting are no longer condemned for admitting it, nothing will change.
DEAR ABBY: Some months ago you asked your readers to define "elderly." That prompted me to write this poem:
REALITY CHECK
I feel young and full of pep,
Rushing hither and yon.
Enjoying every passing day
Seldom woebegone.
Until the daily news proclaims:
"Elderly Woman Hit by Car."
And I am halted in my tracks,
My pleasant world ajar.
Forced to face reality --
That "elderly" woman is younger than me!
-- ELIZABETH VAN LOAN, BRADENTON, FLA.
DEAR MS. VAN LOAN: Right (or write) on!
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Loving Families Make Room for Old Cats and New Babies
DEAR ABBY: How can people still believe those totally absurd stories about cats smothering babies! Obviously, they don't know cats.
My husband and I had three cats for 10 years before our daughter appeared on the scene. She was born two months premature, and when we brought her home from the hospital, she weighed a whopping 4 pounds. Each of our cats was more than three times her size and weight.
They gently sniffed her, checked her out, and found her to be a nonthreatening creature (just a bit noisy and smelly at times). I'm assuming that because she was neither furry nor feathery, they considered her to be no fun at all, so they ignored her.
Once in a while, I would find one of the cats curled up in a cozy corner of her crib, but only when she wasn't in it. As she got older and more mobile, she considered the cats her "brothers" and dressed those who were willing in her old baby clothes. They seemed to understand that she was just a "kitten" and were very patient with her.
Our daughter is now 15 and would like to volunteer at our local humane society one day -- helping to care for cats, of course.
Let's hope someday soon those silly myths about cats will come to an end. Abby, I don't know for sure, but I have a feeling that those wild rumors may have been started by a jealous dog. -- CAROL A. RICHARDS, NASHUA, N.H.
DEAR CAROL: Your defense of our feline friends is a lovely story. I must, however, report that many of my readers wrote to explain why cats may have been accused of smothering babies -- and it seems to make sense.
Babies drink milk, cats love milk, and many cats have been seen sniffing or licking around a baby's mouth -- probably trying to get a taste of the milk residue. To a panicked parent, this could appear that the cat was trying to smother the baby. Read on for another insight:
DEAR ABBY: Although I have never written to you before, the letter from "Concerned," whose niece is pregnant and has three cats, caught my attention. "Concerned" stated that her niece believes that her cats don't care what is going on around them.
I, too, am pregnant with my first baby. My husband and I also have three cats. They were our "babies" for many years, and to think that they won't notice any change in our home when the new baby arrives is simply ludicrous! We are acutely aware of the emotional upheaval that may occur when we bring the baby home, and having compassion and respect for our pets as well as our new child, we discussed this issue with our doctor, our veterinarian, and a friend who volunteers at a local animal shelter.
Jealousy occurs when you simply abandon your pets in favor of the new child. While never leaving your child unattended with any pet is good advice, it doesn't begin to address the emotional needs of both the child and the animals. It takes a definite plan and awareness to handle it, and it takes both parents (and any other caretaker in the home) to help.
Many steps can be taken to assure a smooth, happy transition. For example, my husband will bring a blanket home from the hospital with the baby's scent for the cats to get used to. Additionally, and most important, my husband and I will provide our cats with as much love and attention as we can.
We want our child to grow up loving animals as much as we do. We consider ourselves blessed to have the unconditional love our cats give us, and we want to return that love to them. If you print this letter, I hope it brings new insight to families with pets and new babies. -- RESPECTFUL OF ALL LIVING BEINGS
DEAR RESPECTFUL: It brought new insight to me, and I'm sure it will to my animal-loving readers. A child who is raised in a home as loving as yours is certain to follow the parents' footsteps. I wish you much success.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)