For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Widow Dating Widower Expects Vacation Fireworks Will Fizzle
DEAR ABBY: I met a very attractive widower I'll call Bob a few weeks ago at an RV park for seniors. He lost his wife eight years ago. My husband died three years ago. Bob and I spent most of that week in each other's company during the day, and since we've returned home, we have had lunch together several times.
Last week, Bob revealed that he's had surgery and radiation treatment for prostate cancer. I also have been treated for cancer. We are both nearing the time we will be considered cured.
Abby, we are planning to vacation together this summer. I keep expecting him to mention something about his inability to perform sexually, but he hasn't. To tell you the truth, sex is not all that important to me. In fact, I would rather skip that part of a relationship.
Would I be out of line to let him know in advance that I am not expecting any skyrockets or Roman candles on our vacation? -- HESITATING
DEAR HESITATING: Perhaps Bob has said nothing about his inability to perform sexually because his sex life is not yet over. Although I advocate honesty in relationships, I think that letting him know you expect no rockets and Roman candles could be potentially embarrassing and presumptuous.
DEAR ABBY: I recently started a new job that I enjoy very much. Yesterday, however, I discovered I am working in an office with someone I never expected to meet. She is the wife of a man with whom I had a brief affair more than two years ago.
I saw "Bill" only a couple of times before I realized he was lying to me about being separated and in the process of a divorce. The second time we got together, I'm pretty sure it was at the home he shared with his wife, in their bed! He told me it was his mother's house. After I saw pictures of his two children on the dresser, I ended the relationship.
My problem is I am very uncomfortable in the presence of Bill's wife. She seems to be a very nice person, but I can't carry on a conversation with her the way I can with my other co-workers. I'm sure it is only a matter of time before Bill comes to visit his wife at work, and I can't imagine how to act when that happens. Please help. -- TRYING TO FORGET
DEAR TRYING: You were wise to end this no-win situation as quickly as you did. Now it is time to forget it. Your initial discomfort in the presence of Bill's wife will lessen over time. If Bill shows up, treat him as though you've never seen him before -- which is better than he deserves.
DEAR ABBY: I can understand "Growing Old in Florida's" distress with the persistent and none-too-sensitive food server. Of course, the server was only trying to be helpful, and not everyone who is entitled to a senior discount is comfortable asking for it. I know I wasn't, early in my "career" as a senior.
"Senior citizen" doesn't sound nearly as dreadful as OAP (Old Age Pensioner), the term they use in England. THAT can take the starch out of you!
Wouldn't it be better to educate salespeople, food servers, etc., to simply ask their patrons, "Are you eligible for any of the discounts we offer?" This shouldn't offend anyone, and those who deserve it will get their discounts without having to ask. -- LENORE MATHER, WAVERLY, N.Y.
DEAR LENORE: That's a tactful solution to a sometimes tricky situation, and I hope your letter is posted everywhere discounts are offered.
FLASHING PORCH LIGHT MAKES YOUR HOUSE QUICK TO FIND
DEAR ABBY: I would like to tell you about an item that helps emergency vehicles locate a particular home. A "911 Locator" light switch can be purchased in many hardware stores. It is a three-position light switch that replaces the standard one which operates the porch or yard light. In the bottom position, the outside light is off; in the upper position, the light is on as it normally would be; and in the middle position, the outside light flashes. Emergency vehicles can spot a flashing light from quite a distance, so they can zero in on the house in distress without having to slow down to read addresses.
These switches are illuminated so they can easily be found in the dark. They retail for about $17. I have installed several of them for elderly, single and ill friends in the past few years, and at least two have been used for an emergency. The emergency personnel complimented the homeowners for making their homes easy to find. One manufacturer of this type of switch is Pass & Seymour/Legrand. I hope this information is helpful. -- R.E. JENSEN, SEDONA, AZ.
DEAR R.E.: Very helpful. Thank you for informing my readers -- and me -- of the existence of this item. Its size may be small, but its value is potentially enormous. I called the manufacturer and was told that this product is carried by several national hardware store chains.
DEAR ABBY: I have worked for years as a wedding photographer, and during that time I have seen many couples almost driven to elopement because of the pressure they're placed under while the wedding is being planned.
Some situations I've witnessed repeatedly: Well-meaning mothers who plan the wedding they always wanted, and browbeat their daughters into accepting the plans. Divorced parents so bitter they could not put aside their personal feelings for a few hours to attend their son's or daughter's wedding, or who refuse to be photographed in the same shot. Stepparents who are so insecure they refuse to allow their mate to attend the wedding because the ex-spouse will be there.
I've seen "friends" who get the groom so drunk the night before the wedding that he's still reeling the next day; siblings and friends whose egos prevent the bride and groom from choosing the people they really want to stand up with them; and "wedding experts" who pressure the couple into spending more than they can afford because it would "look bad" to do something less expensive.
Abby, I have dried more tears, consoled more grooms and counseled more couples who were ready to throw in the towel and elope than I care to remember.
To all of those self-involved, insensitive people, I would like to say: If you love your child, your friend or your sibling, put your ego and personal problems aside for one day. Listen to what the couple want, support their decisions, and help them make their dream day come true. -- J.G. IN PHOENIX
DEAR J.G.: The wedding season is fast approaching. I hope that all couples about to be married will keep this column handy for well-meaning family and friends who apparently forget whose big day it is.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WOMAN TRAPPED IN MARRIAGE DREAMS OF SETTING HERSELF FREE
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my late 30s. I am on my second marriage. I was 18 when I married the first time and we had two children. We divorced while the children were young. I met another man and married him within a year. We have one child together.
Abby, I am very unhappy because I have never experienced being on my own. I have such a strong desire to do this that it is making my life miserable. I can hardly stand being home and am starting to resent my family. I love them very much, but I feel that I have missed out by never having lived as a single person. I can't imagine leaving this earth without making this one dream come true.
Sometimes on the way home from work, I feel like driving past my house without stopping. I know that isn't the right way to handle this. I'm so torn. Please help. -- WONDERING WHAT I'M MISSING
DEAR WONDERING: First of all, stop looking at living alone as an unrealized dream and think of it as a fantasy. Instead of glamorizing life alone, consider for a moment the drawbacks -- lonely nights, increased responsibilities, financial pressures, etc. Everyone wonders what life is like on the other side of the fence. Usually, reality is far different from the idealized mental image.
Talk to your husband about ways for you to have time alone: a weekend retreat, or a couple of evenings a month with female friends or by yourself. A creative compromise could save your marriage, not to mention your sanity. So please stop wondering what you're missing and thank the good Lord for what you have.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are planning our wedding for later this year. We love each other very much. Rarely has there been a cross word between us. We both have good jobs, our families are extremely supportive and, God willing, our future seems bright.
The problem is my fiance's upcoming bachelor party. His friends have promised to make it a "night to remember." From what I've heard, these parties have gotten wild to the point that the strippers become completely nude and dance in the faces of the men. One prospective groom had sex with one of the hired "dancers" for a last fling!
These guys think it's funny. I think it's horrible. When two people are committed to each other, why does the man need a group of naked women to paw at?
I wake up thinking about this, and I'm even considering backing out of the wedding. Is this any way to start a marriage, and am I alone in these feelings? -- ANXIOUS BRIDE
DEAR ANXIOUS BRIDE: You are not alone in your feelings, and this is no way to start a marriage. Remember, however, that the stories you have heard about past parties may be greatly exaggerated, a combination of locker room mentality and the need to brag.
Express your concerns to your fiance. If he is mature and sensible, he will respect your feelings and opt for a more appropriate bachelor party.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.