For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
FLASHING PORCH LIGHT MAKES YOUR HOUSE QUICK TO FIND
DEAR ABBY: I would like to tell you about an item that helps emergency vehicles locate a particular home. A "911 Locator" light switch can be purchased in many hardware stores. It is a three-position light switch that replaces the standard one which operates the porch or yard light. In the bottom position, the outside light is off; in the upper position, the light is on as it normally would be; and in the middle position, the outside light flashes. Emergency vehicles can spot a flashing light from quite a distance, so they can zero in on the house in distress without having to slow down to read addresses.
These switches are illuminated so they can easily be found in the dark. They retail for about $17. I have installed several of them for elderly, single and ill friends in the past few years, and at least two have been used for an emergency. The emergency personnel complimented the homeowners for making their homes easy to find. One manufacturer of this type of switch is Pass & Seymour/Legrand. I hope this information is helpful. -- R.E. JENSEN, SEDONA, AZ.
DEAR R.E.: Very helpful. Thank you for informing my readers -- and me -- of the existence of this item. Its size may be small, but its value is potentially enormous. I called the manufacturer and was told that this product is carried by several national hardware store chains.
DEAR ABBY: I have worked for years as a wedding photographer, and during that time I have seen many couples almost driven to elopement because of the pressure they're placed under while the wedding is being planned.
Some situations I've witnessed repeatedly: Well-meaning mothers who plan the wedding they always wanted, and browbeat their daughters into accepting the plans. Divorced parents so bitter they could not put aside their personal feelings for a few hours to attend their son's or daughter's wedding, or who refuse to be photographed in the same shot. Stepparents who are so insecure they refuse to allow their mate to attend the wedding because the ex-spouse will be there.
I've seen "friends" who get the groom so drunk the night before the wedding that he's still reeling the next day; siblings and friends whose egos prevent the bride and groom from choosing the people they really want to stand up with them; and "wedding experts" who pressure the couple into spending more than they can afford because it would "look bad" to do something less expensive.
Abby, I have dried more tears, consoled more grooms and counseled more couples who were ready to throw in the towel and elope than I care to remember.
To all of those self-involved, insensitive people, I would like to say: If you love your child, your friend or your sibling, put your ego and personal problems aside for one day. Listen to what the couple want, support their decisions, and help them make their dream day come true. -- J.G. IN PHOENIX
DEAR J.G.: The wedding season is fast approaching. I hope that all couples about to be married will keep this column handy for well-meaning family and friends who apparently forget whose big day it is.
WOMAN TRAPPED IN MARRIAGE DREAMS OF SETTING HERSELF FREE
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman in my late 30s. I am on my second marriage. I was 18 when I married the first time and we had two children. We divorced while the children were young. I met another man and married him within a year. We have one child together.
Abby, I am very unhappy because I have never experienced being on my own. I have such a strong desire to do this that it is making my life miserable. I can hardly stand being home and am starting to resent my family. I love them very much, but I feel that I have missed out by never having lived as a single person. I can't imagine leaving this earth without making this one dream come true.
Sometimes on the way home from work, I feel like driving past my house without stopping. I know that isn't the right way to handle this. I'm so torn. Please help. -- WONDERING WHAT I'M MISSING
DEAR WONDERING: First of all, stop looking at living alone as an unrealized dream and think of it as a fantasy. Instead of glamorizing life alone, consider for a moment the drawbacks -- lonely nights, increased responsibilities, financial pressures, etc. Everyone wonders what life is like on the other side of the fence. Usually, reality is far different from the idealized mental image.
Talk to your husband about ways for you to have time alone: a weekend retreat, or a couple of evenings a month with female friends or by yourself. A creative compromise could save your marriage, not to mention your sanity. So please stop wondering what you're missing and thank the good Lord for what you have.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are planning our wedding for later this year. We love each other very much. Rarely has there been a cross word between us. We both have good jobs, our families are extremely supportive and, God willing, our future seems bright.
The problem is my fiance's upcoming bachelor party. His friends have promised to make it a "night to remember." From what I've heard, these parties have gotten wild to the point that the strippers become completely nude and dance in the faces of the men. One prospective groom had sex with one of the hired "dancers" for a last fling!
These guys think it's funny. I think it's horrible. When two people are committed to each other, why does the man need a group of naked women to paw at?
I wake up thinking about this, and I'm even considering backing out of the wedding. Is this any way to start a marriage, and am I alone in these feelings? -- ANXIOUS BRIDE
DEAR ANXIOUS BRIDE: You are not alone in your feelings, and this is no way to start a marriage. Remember, however, that the stories you have heard about past parties may be greatly exaggerated, a combination of locker room mentality and the need to brag.
Express your concerns to your fiance. If he is mature and sensible, he will respect your feelings and opt for a more appropriate bachelor party.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
DAD PUZZLED BY HOW TO EXPLAIN HIS PARENTS' CHILDISH BEHAVIOR
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are separated and in the process of getting a divorce. I have a 9-year-old stepson from this marriage whom I love very much. I'll call him "Nicky." We are very close, and I continue to see Nicky and participate in his life as much as I did before the separation. I'm the only father he has ever known.
The problem is my parents. They have refused to have anything to do with Nicky since the separation. They ignored his birthday and refuse to attend any of his ball games. They act like he no longer exists. Nicky is such a fine young man, and he is very hurt by their behavior.
Abby, since I can't change my parents, how can I explain their unkind behavior to Nicky in a way that won't hurt him any more than he's already been hurt? -- SON OF HARD-HEARTED PARENTS
DEAR SON: Be honest with your stepson. Explain that grown-ups do not always do the right thing, and you do not approve of your parents' behavior. Let him know that your parents are acting this way because they blame his mother for the divorce, and have withdrawn from him as a way of punishing her.
Remind Nicky that he has done nothing wrong, and this is not his fault. Assure him that you love him unconditionally.
DEAR ABBY: I've never written to you before, but I think you blew it in your answer to "In the Middle in Tucson." Her sister was so upset about the "tacky gifts" her daughter had received from their brother and his new wife that she severed the relationship with her own brother.
What is this world coming to when we are so shallow that we value gifts over our own flesh and blood? My advice to her would have been: "Lady, wake up! Tell your sister that life is too short to hold a grudge for something as trivial as what kind of a present someone gives."
The wife may not have been deliberately rude; perhaps she was trying to be thrifty. The brother may not even realize where the gifts came from (most men have little to do with gift-buying); maybe their family finances aren't in quite as good shape as she thinks they are. There could a lot of other "maybes" -- and the sister just doesn't realize it.
If something were to happen to her brother before she was able to make things right between the two of them, she would never forgive herself. If she doesn't like the gifts her daughter received from this auntie and uncle, she should shut her mouth and give them to someone who could really use them -- or simply throw them away. But don't destroy a relationship that is a God-given gift.
Abby, I don't mean this letter to be a put-down to you, but your answer seemed to encourage the sister to drive that wedge in more firmly. Family is far too precious to throw away because of something so meaningless. -- ALSO A SISTER IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR NORTH CAROLINA SISTER: You misunderstood my answer. The sister who severed the relationship with her brother deserves the lecture you gave her. However, my reply was directed at the OTHER sister, who wondered if she should try to mediate the dispute or stay mum. I told her to encourage her sister to communicate her feelings to her brother, so they could be dealt with in an adult manner.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)