What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My sister and I were talking about something yesterday that disturbed her, and me as well. When she called her doctor's office to make an appointment, the receptionist grilled her about the reason she needed it. Sis didn't want to discuss her problem with anyone but her doctor, and considered the receptionist unprofessional and nosy.
Abby, this has happened to me, too. I realize the receptionist has probably been told to ask in order to schedule the proper amount of time for the appointment, but when she refuses to give me an appointment without knowing more than I feel comfortable telling her, that's an invasion of privacy.
I suspect most doctors' receptionists perform this interrogation, but I'm very unhappy about it, and would appreciate your advice on how to sidestep the questions and still get an appointment. -- PRIVACY PREFERRED IN SOUTH DAKOTA
DEAR PRIVACY: Talk to your doctor about your feelings the next time you see him (or her). While I agree that the reason you are being questioned is probably to permit scheduling adequate time for your visit, it's possible that the receptionist needs to practice more diplomacy.
DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your answer to "Alan in Montesano, Wash.," regarding splitting the bill for the cabin to be shared by two couples and a single man. You said he should pay one-third of the costs.
Abby, this has happened to me many times on camping trips. The couples I go with usually think they should be counted as one unit, but I disagree. When you go to a movie, a ball game, or anywhere with an admission fee, the charge is per person, not per couple.
Couples eat twice as much as one person. They use up twice as much space and take twice as many showers as a single, so it stands to reason that they should pay twice as much as the single.
Using this logic, the bill should be divided by the number of individuals, not by marital status. Thus, if there are two couples and one single person staying in the one condo or cabin, costs should be split five ways. -- PAUL DUNN, ABINGTON, MASS.
DEAR PAUL: I give up -- I'm outnumbered. Most of my readers calculate the way you do. Read on for a sample of the barrage of arrows sent my way:
DEAR ABBY: Your answer to whether a couple should be counted as one or two was very unfair. Correct me if I'm wrong, but two people equal two individuals.
I am sick and tired of people getting special benefits just because they are married. As a single, I pay higher taxes and higher insurance rates. I also pay higher rates when I travel because discounts are based on double occupancy. I cannot even use the express lane on the freeway because I am only one person.
Don't get me wrong -- I do not resent my single status. I'm just tired of being penalized for it. -- AGREE WITH ALAN IN WASHINGTON
DEAR ABBY: I am responding to the column in which you asked your readers to define "elderly." I am 13 years old, and to me, elderly means someone who is kind, patient, not in a hurry, and someone who will really listen. When you hear the word "elderly" in the news, I think it gives the story a little more meaning than it would if they didn't use that term. I've met quite a few people who are past middle age, and most of them are very charming and quite good listeners. -- KARL STRUBE JR., GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.
DEAR KARL: You sound like a young man who should be cloned. I'll bet that people of all ages really listen when you speak.
'Serial Batterers' Should Be Seen as Dangerous Menace
DEAR ABBY: As the founder of a court program that specializes in domestic violence cases and the author of two books on the topic of spousal abuse, I have performed more lethality assessments of batterers (25,000) than any other professional in the United States. As a victim's advocate, I feel compelled to respond to Jason Larix of Montana, who felt that you exaggerated the number of women killed each year by their husbands or boyfriends.
While crime statistics do reflect that approximately 1,400 women annually are murdered by an intimate partner, these figures actually underestimate batterers' lethality. Many such homicides are never properly classified, while others go unsolved and the victim's relationship to the killer is never determined. In addition, the deaths of many women occur as a cumulative result of injuries received during years of habitual beatings, and their deaths are not reported as homicides.
A significant testimonial of batterers' lethality is the number of family members, friends, neighbors and children who are slain when they get caught in the crossfire of unbridled rage. All things considered, it is quite probable that, as you stated in your recent column, batterers are responsible for approximately 4,000 deaths each year. To realize that such men are responsible for the deaths of 11 people daily is frightening.
As a writer and researcher, I'm concerned that our society fails to recognize that not all batterers are the same. While the nonhabitual offender may be nonlethal and treatable, the chronic offender is often homicidal and beyond rehabilitation.
It also concerns me that while society readily accepts the terms "serial rapist" and "serial killer" to refer to men who habitually rape and murder multiple victims, it fails to acknowledge that men who habitually batter multiple female partners are "serial batterers." The fact is, the serial batterer is one of the most dangerous individuals in American society, and we must stop excusing him and minimizing his existence. -- MICHAEL GROETSCH, KENNER, LA.
DEAR MICHAEL: I agree that serial batterers should be removed from society in much the same way as any other serial criminal. However, I would prefer to focus attention on the part of the problem that is fixable. The majority of domestic abuse comes at the hands of men whose anger escalates from 0 to 100 in seconds. They are not psychopaths. These are individuals who lash out with their fists or the nearest knife or gun at the slightest provocation. If they are willing to admit they have a problem, they can be helped, but only with therapy and programs that place a heavy emphasis on anger management. However, I fear the serial batterer cannot be helped.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MIFFED FRIEND: Clip the following and hand it to your friend who gossips:
There is so much bad
in the best of us
And so much good
in the worst of us
That it doesn't behoove
any of us
To talk about
the rest of us!
(Author unknown)
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
REQUEST FOR SILVER FLATWARE TARNISHES FAMILY RELATIONS
DEAR ABBY: Please help me solve this problem. I gave my son and his wife, "Janet," my sterling silver flatware set. A short time later, they divorced. It was my son's fault that the marriage broke up.
Janet received the silver in the divorce settlement. She is now engaged to a nice man, and I wish them the best.
I wrote Janet a letter asking her to please give the silverware to her daughter, my granddaughter, as I would like to keep it in the family. Now she is angry and will not speak to me or return my calls. She lives in New Jersey and I live in Arizona.
Was I wrong to ask her to give the set to my granddaughter? -- ALICE IN PHOENIX
DEAR ALICE: No. However, Janet is probably still bitter over the breakup of the marriage and doesn't want you or your son dictating terms to her.
Write her another note and offer your apologies if she was offended -- as that certainly was not your intention. Then keep your fingers crossed because chances are Janet intends to give it to your granddaughter anyway in due time.
DEAR ABBY: My friend recently phoned to tell me she was writing thank-you notes to all the people who helped her and her three young children after they were in a serious auto accident with an 18-wheeler.
Among those she was thanking was a Tennessee highway patrolman who had given her a traffic ticket the month before because she didn't have her children buckled up.
Every one of them received major injuries even though they were wearing seat belts, but they survived the accident. My friend feels that the highway patrolman probably saved their lives by giving her a wake-up call.
Please keep reminding people to use their seat belts. -- PAULINE MILLER, ATHENS, TENN.
DEAR PAULINE: Your letter provides the perfect opportunity for me to do just that. Consider it done!
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for reassuring "Lost in North Carolina" and others infected with genital herpes that it is an extremely common infection, and one that can be managed. We especially appreciate your telling readers about the Herpes Resource Center.
In response to your column, we have heard from more than 2,000 people thus far who need our help. From past experience, we know that "Dear Abby" readers will continue to contact us over the next few months -- often telling us that they did not know where to turn until they saw the information in your column.
Your support for people with chronic sexually transmitted diseases is very important. Thank you again. -- LINDA L. ALEXANDER, PH.D, PRESIDENT, AMERICAN SOCIAL HEALTH ASSOCIATION
DEAR LINDA: You're welcome; that's what I'm here for.
For readers who may have missed the column and need to learn more about sexually transmitted diseases, or who may be seeking help, I'm repeating the address: Herpes Resource Center, American Social Health Association, Dept. PR85, P.O. Box 13827, Research Triangle Park, N.C. 27709. Please enclose $1 to cover postage and handling.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)