To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Embarrassed Diner Discounts Waitress's Menu Suggestion
DEAR ABBY: The problem: I am a single woman who was out on a dinner date. The food server, who appeared to be in her early 20s, asked to take our order. Just as I was about to reply, the server stopped me and asked if I had looked at the senior citizen menu.
I told her that it would not be fair to order from that menu because I have not qualified for that discount yet. You would think that would have ended the subject, but no-o-o-o. She pursued the matter by saying, "You only have to be 55 to qualify for our senior citizen menu."
Granted, I will be 51 on my next birthday. But don't you think a person should be allowed to ask for the discount, not have the server determine eligibility?
After she left, I made a joke about it to my date, but I must admit that I was upset about the young woman's remarks, and I am afraid that my embarrassment was noticed by my date. Please tell food servers that everyone knows about senior citizen discounts without being nudged. Could I have handled this differently? -- GROWING OLD IN FLORIDA (BUT NOT THAT OLD)
DEAR GROWING OLD: You showed remarkable grace under fire in dealing with the server in front of your date. She was insensitive and clearly out of line.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is more than 50 years old and the oldest of four sons. He has always been loving and attentive to his parents, and they have always responded by treating him like yesterday's newspaper.
His parents always remember the birthdays and anniversaries of their other sons, daughters-in-law and grandchildren, yet they never acknowledge my husband's existence.
We know that they remember the others because my husband is always invited to their birthday dinners, and we sit there while the cards, cash and presents are doled out, knowing his turn will never come. My husband was so hurt he finally asked his parents why they show such partiality. They said the other sons "needed" what they were giving them, and my husband didn't. Since when do you not need love and acknowledgement from your parents?
We are comfortable financially because we work hard and sacrifice. If we don't have the money for something, we wait and save for it. I feel we are being punished because we never ask for help. It's a shame that because we don't whine about always being short of money, my husband is completely ignored. Instead of being proud of their son, they dismiss him because they think he has money. Even if he has money, he still has a heart, Abby, and he hurts like anyone else.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. -- OUTCAST
DEAR OUTCAST: Your husband may have thoughtless, insensitive parents, but he has been blessed with a wonderfully compassionate wife.
Perhaps your in-laws will recognize themselves in this column and realize that although their eldest son may be doing well on the outside, he is hurting on the inside, and they can help him with a simple gesture of love.
DEAR ABBY: Will you please answer a question about telephone etiquette? If you call family or friends long-distance and their answering machine answers, is it polite to ask them to return your call? -- RICHARD SHOWSTACK, NEWPORT BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR RICHARD: Yes. And if you really want to hear from them, say, "My number is ( ) and please call me COLLECT."
They may not call you collect, but I'll bet they call you.
GRIEVING SISTER OF SUICIDE FEELS GUILTY AS CHARGED
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter signed "Lesson Learned." You told the sister who wrote it that it is normal for survivors of suicide to experience guilt.
Abby, she didn't have time for a cup of tea because she "didn't have money" to go to a cafe! I'll bet the suicidal sister would have been grateful for a friendly cup of tea at her sister's. Her twin nieces would have distracted her from her own problems. The suicidal sister asked for one Saturday night. Again, the sister refused. I'll bet every Saturday night she spends with her husband will be haunted by her sister's request. I should hope she feels guilt -- not for what she did, but for what she didn't do!
Even though I agree that the suicidal sister was responsible for her own life, she obviously felt very estranged from her family. Perhaps an outstretched hand could have made a difference. Her dead sister made no unreasonable demands. The sister who wrote is feeling guilty because she is!
Abby, you were far too easy on this lady. I'll bet you got a lot of flak on this. -- SANDY IN STUYVESANT, N.Y.
DEAR SANDY: "Lesson Learned" was courageous enough to publicly admit her insensitivity and lack of understanding of her sister's needs. She is clearly suffering, and I saw no need to further chastise her for something that cannot be changed.
Yes, I did receive some flak for my answer. However, I also received some mail that was very helpful. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I saw the letter about the poor young woman who suffered from depression and chronic fatigue syndrome. I feel deeply for the sister who ignored her sister's call for help. When "Lesson Learned" told her sister that the younger woman didn't know what "chronic-living-life-fatigue is," it was clear that she did not understand that chronic fatigue syndrome is a real disease, for which diagnostic criteria were established by the Centers for Disease Control in 1988. The disease is insidious, leaving the patient constantly exhausted, depressed, and burdened with a myriad of problems.
Many medical professionals do not believe that the disease is caused by a virus, an enzyme deficiency, or any of the other scientific reasons that validate this as a physical disease. They believe it to be "mental" or nonexistent. Because of this, a vast majority of those who have it go undiagnosed. Many patients do not receive the proper medical care because of their physician's lack of interest in a disease with no known cause or cure, so it's passed off as hypochrondria or a mental disorder.
Suicide among those afflicted with chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome (CFIDS) is high. "Lesson Learned" was devastated by the death of her sister, but it is doubtful she could have done anything to prevent it.
Readers who want more information should write to the Arizona CFIDS and Advocacy Institute, 1125 W. Baseline, No. 212, Mesa, Ariz. 85210. -- THOMAS E. SMITH, PH.D., MESA, ARIZ.
DEAR READERS: You can also contact the CFIDS Association of America Inc., P.O. Box 220398, Charlotte, N.C. 28222-0398 (enclose a self-addressed, stamped (55 cents) envelope) or call toll-free: 1-800-442-3437.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Clerk Kept After Hours Has Advice for Late Shoppers
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are newly married and have been working for a large, well-known retail store for several years.
When a store posts its hours on the front door, there is no excuse for a customer to waltz in three minutes before closing time and expect to shop the entire store. Even if no hours are posted, one can assume that the doors will be closing at 9 p.m. This is standard for retail stores. (Holidays and weekends may vary.)
Almost every night people stroll in three to five minutes before closing time. We will approach them and ask, "Is there anything I can help you find?" Invariably they say, "No, thanks. I'm just looking." (On rare occasions, a considerate customer will say, "Oh, thank you, I'll come back tomorrow.") Thirty minutes after we have locked the doors and are waiting to close the registers, these "lookie-loos" stroll out, without so much as a thank-you or apology.
How I wish I could say, "You may have nothing to do and nowhere to go, but most of us clerks have families waiting for us at home, sometimes a hot dinner cooling on the table, or a child waiting for a goodnight kiss. We're tired and want to get out of the store. Please give us a break." -- ANONYMOUS, NATURALLY
DEAR ANONYMOUS: Some stores have public address systems over which they announce that the store will be closing in 15 minutes, and it's the policy in others to flash the overhead lights to signal closing time. In others, clerks are allowed to approach the late customer and say, "We are closing in three minutes. May I help you find something?"
Discuss closing policies with your manager to determine if one of these practices can be instituted in your store.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter about using closed military bases for vocational schools. I'm not criticizing the idea, but I am criticizing the writer's misconception of vocational school students. I was offended at his statement that those of us who attend these schools are disadvantaged kids who are not college material.
I am a girl completing 10th grade at a vocational-technical high school in Delaware. Students must achieve a certain grade point average and fill out an application even to be accepted into this school. If they get into any trouble or don't keep up their grades, they are removed from the school. Furthermore, 60 percent of the students here go on to college after graduation.
My grandmother told me that vocational schools were first established for disadvantaged "problem children," but times have changed since Granny's day. These schools are not for dumb kids who come to learn a trade because they'll never do anything else productive in their lives. Students at my school are intelligent and excel academically as well as in their "shops."
Abby, people need to change their views about vocational schools. I speak for many of us students when I say that we are not "disadvantaged" and we are, indeed, "college material." -- HONOR STUDENT ATTENDING VOCATIONAL SCHOOL IN DELAWARE
DEAR HONOR STUDENT: Thank you for righting this misconception. You are living proof that vocational students can be college material. There are also students attending vocational schools who are learning a trade to provide themselves with comfortable livelihoods. My hat is off to them.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)