To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
SEIZE THE DAY TO DO IT NOW, SEE IT NOW AND SAY IT NOW
DEAR ABBY: A few years ago I lost my beautiful wife of 43 years. Her name was Bonnie Mae. I loved Bonnie more than I could ever express on paper, but because I was uncomfortable putting it into words, I seldom told her so.
There were several things Bonnie and I wanted to do and places we wanted to visit -- but somehow we always put them off until "next year," "next month" or some unspecified "later."
Unfortunately, life expectancy is not life assurance. After sitting at my wife's hospital bedside for 105 days, holding her hand and begging God not to take her from me, I suddenly found myself alone and experiencing searing regrets. I allowed the spoken endearments, the things to do and the shared adventures to be postponed until all I can do now is wail in anguish that those opportunities have been sealed off forever.
Readers, if you have someone you love dearly, please don't make the same mistakes I made. Tell her/him of your love often, and the things that you want to do and can afford to do -- do them now. Don't let that loved one slip away, your dreams unrealized because of procrastination, or you'll regret it bitterly the rest of your life, as I am doing now. -- GRIEVING FOR BONNIE MAE IN FLORIDA
DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my condolences on the loss of your beloved wife. I have a feeling that Bonnie Mae knew how much you loved her, and she wouldn't want you to live with so much regret and sadness.
Your letter reminds me of a poem I have printed from time to time, and which is in my "Keepers" booklet, a collection of favorite poems, essays and letters. Its message bears repeating. Read on:
THE TIME IS NOW
(Author Unknown)
If you are ever going to love me,
Love me now, while I can know
The sweet and tender feelings
Which from true affection flow.
Love me now
While I am living.
Do not wait until I'm gone
And then have it chiseled in marble,
Sweet words on ice-cold stone.
If you have tender thoughts of me,
Please tell me now.
If you wait until I am sleeping,
Never to awaken,
There will be death between us,
And I won't hear you then.
So, if you love me, even a little bit,
Let me know it while I am living
So I can treasure it.
DEAR ABBY: My brother and his longtime girlfriend are being married. They have one child -- a 3-year-old boy. I have two wedding etiquette questions.
Should photos of the "pre-existing" child be included in the wedding invitations? Also, when registering for bridal gifts at the local stores, should they include things the child can use as well? The little boy will be involved in his parents' wedding. -- WEDDING ROOKIE IN ARIZONA
DEAR WEDDING ROOKIE: It would be poor taste to include photos of the child (or the couple) in the wedding invitations. Also, this is a wedding, not a child's birthday party, so the happy couple should not register for children's gifts.
DEAR ABBY: I am a single, 40-year-old woman who has recently moved to California. I am looking forward to family and friends coming to visit me, but I live in a one-bedroom apartment.
As I see it, I'm one person, and a couple is two, so I should sleep on the sofa. However, I spent two years as a student on a very tight budget sleeping on a futon in a tiny studio apartment -– and I'm fed up to here with sleeping anywhere other than in a bed.
I want my guests to be comfortable and feel welcome, but how should I handle the sleeping arrangements? -- CAREN IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CAREN: You need not give up your own bed, and I'm sure your guests wouldn't expect you to.
You have several options. You could make reservations for your guests in a nearby hotel or motel. You could buy a sofa-sleeper (hide-a-bed). Or, you could rent a foldaway bed for the duration of the visits. Sweet dreams, Caren!
DEAR ABBY: The recent letter in your column from the teen-ager who tried "ruffies" prompts this letter.
Calling Rohypnol a "date rape" drug might lead males into believing that this dangerous drug does not apply to them. A more apt name for it might be an "amnesia" drug, because that is what the drug does to anyone.
My pal, Charles, dined alone one evening in a restaurant while on vacation in Mexico. Evidently, someone doctored his drink, because he ended up on the side of a road several miles away. All his personal belongings were missing –- including his belt and shoes. Luckily, he survived with only bruises and cuts, but he suffered a complete memory loss of more than 10 hours.
Abby, please warn your readers this drug has that effect on everyone, and they could be in extreme danger while under its influence. -- J.L. IN S.F.
DEAR J.L.: Thank you for pointing this out. I'm printing your letter as a word of caution to people who travel. You can't be too careful these days.
DEAR ABBY: My mother did a poor job of raising my brother and me. Now, at 32, I have a duty-based relationship with her. I have three children under 4, and I want to have a much better relationship with them. From my mother's example, I know what not to do; however, I don't have the role model to show me the right things to do. I have read parenting books, but there are so many different viewpoints that I don't know which would work for me.
I know there are many wonderful mothers out there, and I want to be one of them. What do great moms do that makes them great? I'd love to hear how women have excelled in this most important of jobs. -- MOM IN DENVER
DEAR MOM: Motherhood is two parts instinct to one part "book learning." Your instinctive desire to have a good relationship with your children will guide you in most situations. Look around you for women you consider to be good mothers and question them. Their experience is worth volumes, and they are usually happy to share their wisdom. That's part of what makes them good mothers.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Mother Abused as Child Feels Compelled to Abuse Her Son
DEAR ABBY: You are my last hope. I grew up in a very abusive family. Every day was a nightmare. I remember saying as a child that I would never hit my children.
My worst fears have come true. I abuse my 5-year-old son. I try not to. He means everything to me. I love my son so much and don't want to hurt him, but I can't seem to help myself.
I pray every day for help and for forgiveness. I turned out exactly like my parents. I'm desperate and full of guilt. Abby, how can I stop abusing my precious son? I'm a single mom and can't afford a counselor. -- DESPERATE IN TEXAS
DEAR DESPERATE: The fact that you're asking for help tells me you did not turn out exactly like your parents. Many parents feel as you do, but few have the courage to admit it.
When you feel like lashing out at your son, remember to get hold of yourself before you take hold of your child. Stop in your tracks and turn away from him. Put your hands over your mouth and count to 20, or splash cold water on your face. Close your eyes and imagine that you are feeling exactly what your son is feeling. Pick up the phone and call someone -– anyone -– even if it is the prerecorded weather.
The National Committee for Prevention of Child Abuse is a non-profit organization that has support groups for parents like you who are frightened by their own violent behavior. To find a group in your area, write NCPCA, P.O. Box 2866, Chicago, Ill. 60690, or phone 1-800-556-2722.
Please write again in six months and let me know how you are and how to reach you. I care.
DEAR ABBY: I must respond to the letter from "Eileen Drew, Melbourne, Fla.," whose husband wears a safety helmet while using his riding lawnmower.
You took it a step further, saying roofers, pool men and all workers with any risk of head injury should wear helmets.
All well and good, Abby, but I think you should have gone even further. There are many hazards around the home and in recreational pursuits from which we all need protection.
For example, take the shower: Do you realize how many people are injured by falling while showering? I have taken to wearing a safety helmet while in the shower, just in case I should slip and fall. You may be wondering how I wash my hair. I'm in the process of solving that by hanging the harness of a WWI parachute from the shower ceiling. From this I will be suspended, in order to avoid falling while my helmet is removed for shampooing.
I love to swim, but I fear that I may strike my head while diving, so I also wear a helmet while swimming. I get lots of funny looks, but that's OK; I'm safe and those other guys are not!
Another hazard I've recently been made aware of is hitting my head on the nightstand should I fall out of bed at night. Also, at my age, I have to get up frequently during the night to use the bathroom; what if I should trip and fall in the darkened room? To avoid these hazards, I wear my safety helmet to bed.
I am currently working on an invention that will provide ultimate safety to everyone, everywhere, 24 hours a day: FULL BODY ARMOR. The air-conditioning unit for summertime wear has me baffled right now, but I've resolved to keep working on it.
In the meantime, next month when we go to Hawaii, it is my intention to see to it that every person walking on Waikiki beach wears a safety helmet. I know I'll be wearing mine. -- NORM TOTEY, EVERETT, WASH.
DEAR NORM: Enough, already. You win!
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)