To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Employee Friendly Offices Allow Personal Calls at Work
DEAR ABBY: You were way off the mark in your response to "Boss's Wife in Texas," who discovered that her husband's employees were making and receiving personal phone calls at work.
These days it's very difficult to find and retain competent people. The wise employer knows that people do have lives, and those lives do not always neatly compartmentalize into eight-hour blocks.
While some jobs, such as production-line workers, require 100 percent attention at every moment, most jobs simply require that a certain number of tasks be performed well and delivered on time. If workers can accomplish that, there is no reason why they can't be granted some slack to make phone calls, run errands, take extended lunches and work a flexible shift.
Many companies are restructuring their requirements so that productivity is the only thing that counts. Telecommuting, flex-time and other freedoms that were not dreamed of 30 years ago are now encouraged.
As we approach the millennium, companies now have a choice: Be inflexible and autocratic and pay the price in turnover and retraining costs, or structure their needs in such a way as to make the workers feel that they still control their lives. When I managed a graphics shop in the late '80s, I did this and had to fire only one employee for poor performance. Our turnover rate was far below the industry standard. -- NOW SELF-EMPLOYED, PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR SELF-EMPLOYED: It will come as no surprise to anyone that I received a barrage of mail from people who thought my answer was wrong. (Only a few readers supported my answer.) Read on for some comments from a personnel specialist:
DEAR ABBY: As a supervisor in a large personnel office for 29 years, I have concluded that employees work much better when they can at least partially settle their personal problems by phone. After all, many of those with whom they are communicating work the same hours the employees do.
Working parents often ask their children to check in with them after school. It usually takes only a few minutes. Sometimes spouses must communicate with each other to determine the schedule for the day.
I agree, personal problems should be left at home -- but sometimes a phone call can avert a personal problem that could result in lost work time. Like it or not, employees do have lives outside the office and details to take care of.
Usually, other employees in the office will not allow a slacker to take advantage. When someone abuses the privileges to the point that it's unethical or hurting his or her work, management usually hears about it from more than one person.
The workplace should be an area of give-and-take for both employees and employers. If employees have a boss like mine, they will work twice as hard once they hang up the phone, not only because of the boss's understanding, but because they have solved their problem and can then focus completely on their work. -- VOICE OF EXPERIENCE, SAN ANTONIO
DEAR VOICE OF EXPERIENCE: I bow to your many years of expertise in employee relations. When I said that making calls on company time was a form of theft, I was referring to employees who make frequent, lengthy and often distracting phone calls. It was not intended to chastise employees who do not abuse telephone privileges.
Widow Wants Men Around Her to Be Men Around Her House
DEAR ABBY: I seem to be having a communication problem.
I became a widow a year ago. I have two sons, a daughter and three grandsons. They are very good to me. They take me out to dinner often and will buy me anything I say I need.
However, what I really need is help around the house -- someone to mow my lawn, trim the shrubs and trees, paint, etc. I can't do these things myself. I am 72 years old, and having to pay for this kind of help doesn't leave much for extras.
It's a shame, Abby. Here I am with two sons, a son-in-law and three grandsons -- and no help. Please don't use my name. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I just want to be heard. -- NO HELP
DEAR NO HELP: Here's your letter. You should be more specific about your needs. Offer to prepare lunch in exchange for a day of work around your home, then be effusive with your appreciation. Here's hoping that after this runs, you (and others who are in the same boat) won't have to send out a cry for help.
DEAR ABBY: I have never written to you before, but "Josie," my daughter-in-law, does something that really bothers me. She frequently tells "Sammy," her 3-year-old, to "shut up." That phrase seems so ugly.
I am afraid it will undermine my grandson's self-confidence. Children should be made to feel they are important and loved, and that what they have to say is of interest to adults. They need to be supported. I also think Josie should be more consistent with her discipline. How is Sammy to know if Mommy means it this time when last time she threatened but never acted on her words?
Abby, how can I get my daughter-in-law to quit telling her darling little boy to shut up without coming off as critical and interfering? -- MRS. X IN BANGOR, MAINE
DEAR MRS. X: Explain your fears to your son, and offer some alternative phrases for "shut up." Until your daughter-in-law is willing to make a change, there's nothing you can do to force her. All you can do is lavish your grandson with a double dose of love and support.
DEAR ABBY: I recently married a wonderful, unselfish man who was willing to take my last name at the altar instead of my assuming his. The reason for his decision was that his family had other sons to continue their family name; mine is a family of daughters.
In order for him to assume my last name legally, we have been told he will have to go to court and request the name change. Isn't this discrimination? From the time a woman marries, she can begin signing her new last name without legally changing it.
Can't a husband assume his wife's last name without going to court? And, do I call myself "Mrs." even if I keep my maiden name? -- CONFUSED IN CANADA
DEAR CONFUSED: Your husband may call himself whatever he chooses, but the prudent thing to do with a last-name change is to discuss it with a lawyer.
And yes, now that you are married you may call yourself "Mrs. John Jones" -- your husband's new last name -- regardless of the fact that you were a Jones before the marriage.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Spectators as Well as Athletes Need Right Training in Sports
DEAR ABBY: You and "Concerned Mom in Indiana" were dead right about parents who jeer and bully children in sports contests. Children's sports are about participation, sportsmanship, character development and other healthy habits that last a lifetime. It's inexcusable to jeer or berate sixth-graders on a basketball court. Had the parents and coaches spent more time in their YMCA, they would certainly have learned that.
YMCAs, which last year helped more than 7 million children learn about sports and sportsmanship, support a code for spectators that many adults would do well to heed:
YMCA SPECTATOR'S CODE
(1) Remember that children play organized sports for their own fun. They are not there to entertain you, and they are not miniature pro athletes.
(2) Be on your best behavior. Don't use profane language or harass players, coaches or officials.
(3) Applaud good plays by your own team AND the visiting team.
(4) Show respect for your team's opponents. Without them there would be no games.
(5) Never ridicule or scold a child for making a mistake during a competition.
(6) Condemn the use of violence in all forms.
(7) Respect the officials' decisions.
(8) Encourage players to always play according to the rules.
Abby, professional athletes are not always good role models for our children, but the good sportsmanship and healthy lifestyles gained in our country's gymnasiums and on its courts and playing fields can make our children good role models for each other, for us, and for future generations. But first, adults have to let them play and send them the right messages. -- DAVID R. MERCER, NATIONAL EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, YMCA OF THE USA
DEAR DAVID: I'm sure that many readers -- not to mention athletic coaches -- will thank you for sharing the YMCA's Spectator's Code. Put into action, it provides a healthy atmosphere for children to build not only athletic skills, but life skills as well.
I agree that children model their behavior after the adults who care for them, and they often learn more from what they observe than what they are told. That's why it's important for all adults -- not just sports heroes -- to set a good example.
DEAR ABBY: We have a problem. We just heard from some old friends we haven't seen in a while. They are coming for a visit and plan to stay at our home. They told us their arrival date, but didn't mention when they plan to leave.
I am having a disagreement with my husband over this. I say it is OK to ask our friends how long they plan to stay. He insists that it would be in poor taste to do so.
Who's right? -- UNSURE IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR UNSURE: There is nothing wrong with asking guests how long they plan to stay. A hostess needs that information in order to stock the refrigerator.
If their answer is "indefinitely," then I'd say you have a problem.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)