What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
GOING FISHING WITH WIFE PUTS NEW CAST ON HUSBAND'S HOBBY
DEAR ABBY: In reference to the letter from "Waiting With Baited Hook," I am a 47-year-old, happily married fisherman. I have had the loveliest fishing partner in the world for the past 14 years and have enjoyed every minute of it. There's nothing like sharing the outdoors with your soul mate, teaching her and sharing her excitement in catching a fish. The excitement of fishing is doubled when the experience is shared by someone who is close to you instead of just a "good ole boy" fishing partner.
A turtle on a log, a full moon on a summer night or a gray heron lifting off the water shouldn't be wasted with just one of the guys. Eat your hearts out, guys -- my fishing partner is prettier than yours! -- TERRY DRAUGHON, FROM THE BIG BASS CAPITAL OF TEXAS, LAKE FORK
DEAR TERRY: You'll be pleased to know that my desk has been swamped by a tidal wave of letters carrying similar sentiments. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Waiting With Baited Hook" brought to mind my daughter and son-in-law. They met 10 years ago at a dance. After they'd been dating a few months, we invited him along on a deep-sea fishing trip. When he discovered that our daughter not only enjoyed fishing, but could bait her own hook with live anchovies, he was really impressed. They have been married for nine years and are expecting their first baby in a couple of months.
I'll bet that baby will be fishing as soon as he or she can hold a fishing pole. -- FISHING GRANDMA, BURBANK, CALIF.
DEAR FISHING: It appears that he fell for your daughter hook, line and sinker. (I couldn't resist.)
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Waiting With Baited Hook in Nevada," please let me assure you that just because a woman knows how to fish is no guarantee that she'll be attractive to men.
I am a single middle-aged woman who is addicted to fishing. I own several kinds of boats and enough tackle to sink one.
Guess what? Not one fisherman has taken the bait in more than 20 years. I'm no mermaid, but I'm also not a carp. So much for fishing to catch a man. -- 'THE HAPPY HOOKER' FROM NEW YORK
DEAR HAPPY HOOKER: Most of the readers I've heard from verified the experience of "Waiting With Baited Hook." Perhaps you should be casting your lure in other waters.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for more than 30 years. Ours has been a very happy marriage. However, every night before going to bed, she puts her hair up in curlers. Now she keeps asking me why I don't kiss her goodnight when we go to bed.
Abby, how would you like to make love to a porcupine? She says she wants to look good for me the next day.
How would you suggest I solve this problem? -- FRANK B. IN CHICAGO
DEAR FRANK: Ask her to please wear a shower cap when she retires, or use hot rollers in the morning.
CONFIDENTIAL TO 'CLUMSY IN VERNON, B.C.': "Every beetle is a gazelle in the eyes of its mother." -- Moorish proverb
Mom's Long Kept Secret May Be Cause of Daughter's Pain
DEAR ABBY: My young-adult daughter, "Ellen," dated for several years before meeting "Tom," to whom she is engaged. Before she fell in love with him, Ellen cut short several relationships because the men wanted to have sex, and she was saving herself for marriage.
Tom and Ellen's wedding is in two months, and we just received a letter from her informing us that she is pregnant! In her letter, she said she would understand if we wanted to disown her.
I called her immediately and told her that we love her, we know she loves Tom, and everything will be all right. Although I know she heard me, she still seemed upset.
Abby, I have never shared this with my daughter, but her father and I made love before we were married. He has been the only man in my life, and I never felt hypocritical teaching Ellen to wait for sex until after marriage. Now that I see how bad she's feeling, I'm wondering if it would make her feel better to know I understand more than she might guess. Should I tell her? -- WANTS TO HELP
DEAR WANTS: Since your husband is half the equation, ask him if the "secret" should be revealed to your daughter. I'm not at all certain it would make your daughter feel better to hear that she had been held to a standard that you didn't meet. In fact, she might resent it and feel she had been misled. Before reaching a decision, read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing this letter for all of those well-meaning people who subscribe to the notion, "What he or she doesn't know, won't hurt them."
After my father was killed at his restaurant during a robbery (at age 48), my mother and I were at his attorney's office to start proceedings, and the question of "date of marriage" came up. Mom said, "Aug. 23, 1925," and I said, "No, Mom -- it's 1924." She turned to me and said, "Hush. We'll talk about this later."
I was 22 years old when I learned I had escaped illegitimacy by just 34 days! First I felt betrayed, then foolish because in mom's large family, I was the only one who was unaware of this fact of my birth. When I asked her, "Why, Mom, why?" she said, "Because Dad made me promise you would never know of it in his lifetime."
Apparently this proud man could not bear the thought that I might consider him imperfect. It was easy for Mom to go along with it because she always tried to protect me by withholding unpleasantness.
Abby, all this happened 50 years ago, and I have long since forgiven them. But I have not altogether forgotten that I was deceived by those I trusted most. -- CAN'T FORGET IN L.A.
DEAR CAN'T FORGET: It is for that specific reason that I advise parents never to lie to their children.
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Doesn't Look Handicapped," who is walking tall in the Midwest -- I, too, have a handicapped placard. I had a car accident in 1990, breast cancer in 1991 and a heart attack in 1992.
I look OK, and I'm not a whiner.
I have a standard answer for anyone who tells me, "You don't look handicapped." I say, "You don't look ignorant, either. It just goes to prove you can't tell by looking!" -- ST. PETERSBURG, FLA., RETIREE
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Who Brings Home Bacon Makes His Wife Feel Fried
DEAR ABBY: My husband thinks he's better than I am because he earns money and I don't. I stay home with our three children.
During a recent argument, he spilled juice on our new carpet. When I asked him to clean it up, he refused, saying it's his carpet because he paid for it and it's my job to take care of his things.
I try to explain that it's hard work to keep up a home and care for the children, but he says he'd change places with me anytime if I could find a job that pays me the same amount of money he makes. He knows I don't have the skills to do that.
He says he loves me, but I don't think that you can love someone you don't value or respect because she doesn't bring home a paycheck. -- FEELING WORTHLESS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR FEELING WORTHLESS: In 1989, I printed a letter stating the dollar-and-cents value of a homemaker. At the time, it was $52,000 a year, and the Employment Cost Index has continually risen. Your husband should be able to do the math.
Later, I told another woman who described herself as "only a housewife": "In your home you are the director of health, education and welfare; the secretary of the treasury; the head of entertainment and public relations; the chairman of the House Rules Committee; and the chief operating officer of family planning. You'd have to be married to a millionaire to be paid what you're really worth."
Give your husband some food for thought. Schedule dinner a little later for him tonight, and leave this column on his plate for him to digest.
DEAR ABBY: I think you missed the real issue in the letter from "Enough Already in New York," the man whose company made him room with a gay colleague on a business trip. "Enough" managed to endure his discomfort during the trip. What he's had enough of is the ribbing from his co-workers after his return.
Abby, the man is being harassed. The subject of the harassment is sexual in nature. Sexual harassment, homophobic or otherwise, should not be tolerated in any workplace. "Enough" should ask his co-workers to stop harassing him. If they persist, management should discipline them. If management fails to intervene, this man has a claim against his employers. -- LAURIE LEIBER
DEAR LAURIE: You're right. I failed to see the forest for the trees. Thank you for the astute analysis.
DEAR ABBY: The problem experienced by "Cursing Mom" may be avoided when this little poem is taken to heart:
I lost a very little word,
Just the other day;
It was a very naughty word
I had not meant to say.
But then, it was not really lost --
When from my lips it flew,
My little daughter picked it up,
And now she says it too.
-- MBP, PALATKA, FLA.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)