Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom's Long Kept Secret May Be Cause of Daughter's Pain
DEAR ABBY: My young-adult daughter, "Ellen," dated for several years before meeting "Tom," to whom she is engaged. Before she fell in love with him, Ellen cut short several relationships because the men wanted to have sex, and she was saving herself for marriage.
Tom and Ellen's wedding is in two months, and we just received a letter from her informing us that she is pregnant! In her letter, she said she would understand if we wanted to disown her.
I called her immediately and told her that we love her, we know she loves Tom, and everything will be all right. Although I know she heard me, she still seemed upset.
Abby, I have never shared this with my daughter, but her father and I made love before we were married. He has been the only man in my life, and I never felt hypocritical teaching Ellen to wait for sex until after marriage. Now that I see how bad she's feeling, I'm wondering if it would make her feel better to know I understand more than she might guess. Should I tell her? -- WANTS TO HELP
DEAR WANTS: Since your husband is half the equation, ask him if the "secret" should be revealed to your daughter. I'm not at all certain it would make your daughter feel better to hear that she had been held to a standard that you didn't meet. In fact, she might resent it and feel she had been misled. Before reaching a decision, read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing this letter for all of those well-meaning people who subscribe to the notion, "What he or she doesn't know, won't hurt them."
After my father was killed at his restaurant during a robbery (at age 48), my mother and I were at his attorney's office to start proceedings, and the question of "date of marriage" came up. Mom said, "Aug. 23, 1925," and I said, "No, Mom -- it's 1924." She turned to me and said, "Hush. We'll talk about this later."
I was 22 years old when I learned I had escaped illegitimacy by just 34 days! First I felt betrayed, then foolish because in mom's large family, I was the only one who was unaware of this fact of my birth. When I asked her, "Why, Mom, why?" she said, "Because Dad made me promise you would never know of it in his lifetime."
Apparently this proud man could not bear the thought that I might consider him imperfect. It was easy for Mom to go along with it because she always tried to protect me by withholding unpleasantness.
Abby, all this happened 50 years ago, and I have long since forgiven them. But I have not altogether forgotten that I was deceived by those I trusted most. -- CAN'T FORGET IN L.A.
DEAR CAN'T FORGET: It is for that specific reason that I advise parents never to lie to their children.
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Doesn't Look Handicapped," who is walking tall in the Midwest -- I, too, have a handicapped placard. I had a car accident in 1990, breast cancer in 1991 and a heart attack in 1992.
I look OK, and I'm not a whiner.
I have a standard answer for anyone who tells me, "You don't look handicapped." I say, "You don't look ignorant, either. It just goes to prove you can't tell by looking!" -- ST. PETERSBURG, FLA., RETIREE
Man Who Brings Home Bacon Makes His Wife Feel Fried
DEAR ABBY: My husband thinks he's better than I am because he earns money and I don't. I stay home with our three children.
During a recent argument, he spilled juice on our new carpet. When I asked him to clean it up, he refused, saying it's his carpet because he paid for it and it's my job to take care of his things.
I try to explain that it's hard work to keep up a home and care for the children, but he says he'd change places with me anytime if I could find a job that pays me the same amount of money he makes. He knows I don't have the skills to do that.
He says he loves me, but I don't think that you can love someone you don't value or respect because she doesn't bring home a paycheck. -- FEELING WORTHLESS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR FEELING WORTHLESS: In 1989, I printed a letter stating the dollar-and-cents value of a homemaker. At the time, it was $52,000 a year, and the Employment Cost Index has continually risen. Your husband should be able to do the math.
Later, I told another woman who described herself as "only a housewife": "In your home you are the director of health, education and welfare; the secretary of the treasury; the head of entertainment and public relations; the chairman of the House Rules Committee; and the chief operating officer of family planning. You'd have to be married to a millionaire to be paid what you're really worth."
Give your husband some food for thought. Schedule dinner a little later for him tonight, and leave this column on his plate for him to digest.
DEAR ABBY: I think you missed the real issue in the letter from "Enough Already in New York," the man whose company made him room with a gay colleague on a business trip. "Enough" managed to endure his discomfort during the trip. What he's had enough of is the ribbing from his co-workers after his return.
Abby, the man is being harassed. The subject of the harassment is sexual in nature. Sexual harassment, homophobic or otherwise, should not be tolerated in any workplace. "Enough" should ask his co-workers to stop harassing him. If they persist, management should discipline them. If management fails to intervene, this man has a claim against his employers. -- LAURIE LEIBER
DEAR LAURIE: You're right. I failed to see the forest for the trees. Thank you for the astute analysis.
DEAR ABBY: The problem experienced by "Cursing Mom" may be avoided when this little poem is taken to heart:
I lost a very little word,
Just the other day;
It was a very naughty word
I had not meant to say.
But then, it was not really lost --
When from my lips it flew,
My little daughter picked it up,
And now she says it too.
-- MBP, PALATKA, FLA.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Surprise Houseguest Wears Out Her Welcome at the Door
DEAR ABBY: A relative my husband and I had not seen or heard from for more than 17 years unexpectedly showed up at our door and stayed, uninvited, for five days!
Although she was neat, considerate, appreciative and generous, I was angry, frustrated and resentful of the intrusion. What is your opinion regarding this situation, and what would you have done under the same circumstances? -- SUSAN IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SUSAN: If a relative -- or friend -- showed up at my door unexpectedly with luggage in hand, I would have taken him or her to dinner (or lunch, depending on the time of arrival) -- and then offered to make a reservation at a nearby motel or hotel.
DEAR ABBY: I saw the letter in your column concerning kissing with eyes open. Well, I kissed with my eyes open -- deliberately. Why? Because I was going with a woman so stunningly beautiful that I didn't want to waste any of her enchanting loveliness.
My standards in female beauty had always been so absurdly high that I knew I had a champagne appetite (what I desired in feminine looks) on a beer budget (what I had to offer). When she appeared on the scene, exceeding my wildest dreams, and went for me in a big way, the thrill of kissing the mouth in the middle of that divinely beautiful face would have been partially squandered had I not kept my eyes open.
I had to train myself to do it, but the practicing was plenty pleasant. Just sign me ... OLD JOHN IN GLENDALE
DEAR OLD JOHN: You are a true romantic. Thank you for including your full name and address, which I dare not disclose. Were I to do so, it would threaten your privacy and create a scene that would rival the Gold Rush of 1849.
DEAR ABBY: Please print my letter, as we will be going on vacation soon.
Every time my husband and I travel to another country such as Mexico, Jamaica or other Caribbean islands, we're asked to bring back duty-free alcohol. The people who make these requests are not good friends -- they are usually my husband's co-workers.
The U.S. government allows each person to return home with two bottles of liquor duty-free. We would like to be able to buy the quota for ourselves and our family, but my husband does not know how to refuse his colleagues.
Please help with a polite answer for these people when they ask. -- NO NAME OR CITY, PLEASE
DEAR NO NAME: Foreign travel by Americans has become so common that it really is an imposition for the traveler to be asked to lug liquor and other gifts home from abroad.
Your husband should smile and say, "Sorry, there is a limit of two bottles -- and those have been promised." Other items are also limited, so the same response should work for almost any request.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)