DEAR ABBY: Four years ago, my husband adopted a son I had by a former marriage. (I'll call the boy Ben.) He is the only father Ben has ever known. We have other children together.
Most of my husband's family refuses to accept Ben as part of their family. They do not consider him to be one of the grandchildren or one of the cousins. My husband's mother tries to treat the children equally, but the aunts and uncles have never given Ben a birthday present and never include him when making references to the cousins.
This past Christmas, the family had the children exchange names. The relatives who drew Ben's name didn't bring him a present. (They did, however, take the present we had bought for their child.) They brought a gift for another child on the list, but when I asked them about a present for Ben, they said they had "forgotten" it and walked away.
My husband doesn't like the way his family treats Ben, but says he can't control them. He says he cannot tell his relatives they must give presents to our son. I want to tell his family that if they don't treat all our children equally, we would prefer to stop exchanging gifts. My husband says if I speak up, it will only start a family feud and hurt our other children.
Abby, this situation really hurts. Ben has mentioned that he knows his father's family doesn't accept him. My husband and I have had many arguments over this. I read your column often and have never seen this issue addressed. I would think this is a common problem among blended families these days. What is your advice? -- ALICE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR ALICE: Your husband's family is being deliberately cruel, which is inexcusable. If your husband won't assume the responsibility, you have every right to tell them: "We are a family. Give equally to all the children, or we won't exchange gifts at all."