What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
BURDEN OF PARENTS' DIVORCE CAN WEIGH HEAVILY ON KIDS
DEAR ABBY: Please remind parents who are divorcing not to forget to have that all-important conversation with their sons and daughters in which they assure them that the divorce has nothing to do with them.
Don't assume they "know." Children need to be told that their parents will be there for them, even though their parents won't be living together. And it's vital that the parents follow through by being available to their children physically, emotionally and financially as much as possible.
My father abandoned my three siblings and me in all three ways. At 44, after three failed relationships, I still hurt because my father never told me the divorce was not my fault, and because he never stood by us. With the help of counseling, I've stopped blaming my father and myself for my failed relationships. I have finally made peace with my dad. I don't respect him or the decisions he made, but I do love him. He is who he is, and I realize now that it's time to get on with my life. -- ON THE MEND IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ON THE MEND: That's good advice for divorcing parents everywhere. As I say in my teen booklet, the real victims of divorce or separation are too often the innocent bystanders -- the children. I tell the children of divorce: "Don't make your burden harder to bear by feeling in any way guilty about the split. Children are seldom, if ever, the cause -- or even a factor -- in a divorce or separation."
DEAR ABBY: I, too, used to silently condemn able-looking people who park in handicapped spaces. Then my husband developed lymphatic cancer at age 39 and needed chemotherapy and radiation treatments.
During his half-year of treatment, he displayed a handicapped placard in his car. Anybody watching him leave his car would have seen a tall, handsome, well-built man in the prime of his life. But the powerful treatments left him so weak and exhausted, he could barely walk across a parking lot.
That's when I realized that not all disabilities show, and if a person has a handicapped placard on the dashboard, he or she probably needs it. -- JULI IN VALLEY VILLAGE, CALIF.
P.S. Three years later, my husband is doing just fine.
DEAR JULI: I'm pleased that your story has a happy ending. I'm printing your letter as a reminder that people shouldn't jump to conclusions without having all the facts.
DEAR ABBY: I was driving home on New Year's Day via California Highway 73, one of the few toll roads in our state. At the collection gate, I followed a black four-door sedan. I thought the young female driver was talking excessively to the collector, but I stayed composed. When I handed the collector the fee, he returned it, informing me that the driver ahead of me had paid my fee and also wished me a Happy New Year!
Abby, a wonderful warmth came over me as my faith in the goodness of my fellowman was for that moment restored. -- LLOYD JONES, SAN DIEGO
DEAR LLOYD: A wonderful warmth came over ME when I read your letter. Thank you for sharing a dandy day-brightener.
Pending Bill in Congress Gives Seniors Chance to Stay Home
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter recently from a woman who didn't understand why people would not want to go to a nursing home when they get old. You responded that "many are hesitant to give up their independence and familiar surroundings" or to "surrender control of their lives," and noted that assisted-living facilities offer varying levels of care that are a more attractive alternative.
There can be a far better choice: A bill currently before Congress offers senior citizens and persons with disabilities the option to maintain their independence and control of their lives while remaining in their own homes -- or the option to choose a congregate (group-care) facility if that is their preference.
This bill is the Medicaid Community Attendant Services Act (HB2020). The bill, known as MiCASA (Spanish for "my house"), introduced by Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and co-sponsored by House Minority Leader Richard Gephardt, would amend Title XIX of the Social Security Act-Medicaid to create a new option called "Qualified Community-Based Attendant Services."
Anyone eligible for a nursing facility or intermediate-care facility services for the mentally retarded would be allowed to stay in their own home and receive attendant care to assist them in their home, workplace, recreation or religious activities. The money follows the individual. It can be used to move out of congregate-care settings or to avoid having to move in. The need for assistance in daily living and health-related tasks will no longer mean that people have to give up their familiar surroundings or their independence.
This bill will benefit everyone who is disabled or will ever have a disability or be old -- and that's everyone. To secure the right to choose, call or write your representatives in Congress and urge them to co-sponsor and vote for this important bill. -- GAIL B. KEAR, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, LIFE-CIL/CENTER FOR INDEPENDENT LIVING, BLOOMINGTON, ILL.
DEAR GAIL: Thank you for alerting me to this pending legislation. The vast majority of the mail I received in response to the letter from "Living It Up to the End" contained horror stories about the conditions faced by seniors when they enter nursing homes. Of course there are exceptions, but the MiCASA bill appears to be the answer to countless prayers. I hope we'll hear more about it in the near future. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As an advocate for nursing home residents, I'm aware of cases throughout the country of abuse and neglect in nursing homes, as well as violations of residents' most basic rights.
Nursing home residents and their families never call me to share the wonderful experiences they have had with a particular facility. They call to report that they were sexually assaulted by a staff member or left to lie in their own waste for hours until someone could change their sheets, or they were refused re-admittance to the nursing home after they were sent to a hospital emergency room.
While some very good facilities provide excellent care, many poor nursing homes violate the law on a daily basis. "Living It Up" should spend time visiting local nursing homes. I'm sure many are neither "clean" nor "pleasant." Until or unless "Living It Up" has resided in a nursing home, she should never pass judgment on those who refuse to consider a sterile and often undignified environment an "option" to living in their own homes. -- ARIZONA ADVOCATE
DEAR ADVOCATE: Conditions in nursing homes will not improve until families make it their business to stay in close touch with the residents, visiting frequently and at various hours -- and taking their relatives out as often as possible to prevent them from becoming isolated. Carrying out that responsibility may not be easy, but it's vitally important.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Boy Taught to Trust Police Puts Lesson to Good Use
DEAR ABBY: As a young parent, I was appalled to hear other parents threaten to call the police and have their children taken to jail when they misbehaved.
I am now in my 80s and I'm horrified to see that the same threat is still being used. I raised five children and taught them that the police were their friends.
It paid off when my 4-year-old son, Larry, disappeared while we were shopping. As I frantically searched for him, I spotted him perched on an officer's shoulder. After having Larry identify me, the policeman laughed and told me that Larry had approached him for help. When he asked my son if he was lost, Larry answered: "No, I'm not lost. I'm here. My mamma is lost. Will you find her for me?" That was only one time out of many that the police have befriended us. I wish you would print something to the effect that law enforcement officers are there to help.
Also, I do not believe in corporal punishment. I have always felt that children are usually punished when parents are angry, not when the children are naughty. As my mother always said, "What you are too stupid to teach them, you cannot knock into them." So I have never had to resort to corporal punishment.
I love your column and your sensible answers. -- FREDA L. DAVIS, KEAAU, HAWAII
DEAR FREDA: Thank you. I agree. It makes no sense to make a child fearful of the very person he or she may need in an emergency. Children who are treated with respect will grow up to respect others. Hitting teaches only that might makes right.
DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, a man named Robert wrote to you. He was brokenhearted because a girl he loved would not wait for his return from a mission for the Special Operations branch of the Army. You told him that the lady he lost was in fact the loser. Your kind response meant a lot to him.
How do I know? Today it is I who waits for this wonderful man. I met Robert two years ago on the Internet. I was a single mother living on a farm in the foothills of North Carolina. Robert was living in California. Soon after we met, he was deployed to Guam on a voluntary mission.
With Internet access in Guam, we were able to continue our relationship, which was built on communication and a mountain of faith. We eventually grew to love each other.
In March 1997, Robert flew directly to North Carolina from Guam and we met face-to-face for the first time. It was a dream come true for both of us. Robert and I drove to California to stay with his family while we finalized wedding plans and looked for a home of our own.
Shortly after we arrived, we learned that Robert would deploy again, this time involuntarily as part of a civil affairs mission to Bosnia. His orders were for 270 days.
Today I patiently await his return, when I will become his wife. He is the love of my life and I am grateful we found each other.
Abby, you were right when you said someday there will be a girl deserving of Robert's love and she will have the patience to wait for him. Well, that girl is me. Thank you for your letter to him those few years ago. You gave him faith and now his wait is over. -- AMY IN REDLANDS, CALIF.
DEAR AMY: I'm delighted I could help. My best wishes to both of you for a long and happy marriage.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)