What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
LAW ALLOWS WOMEN TO MAKE THEIR ABUSERS PAY IN COURT
DEAR ABBY: You have recently been printing items with regard to domestic violence. Although it is not widely known, a new federal law dealing with this issue became effective in late 1996. It is known as the "Violence Against Women Act."
It allows a lawsuit for money damages to be brought against an abuser as a civil rights action, if the abuse was a gender-motivated crime and the crime was felonious in nature. This is important because usually in actions for damages, the individual collecting the damages must pay her own attorney's fee. In civil rights litigation, the opposing party must pay your fees. -- A (MALE) DIVORCE LAWYER IN FLORIDA
DEAR COUNSELOR: Bless you for taking the time to alert my readers to the existence of the federal Violence Against Women Act. I was not aware of it -- and I'm sure it will be news to many people.
Steps are being taken on so many fronts to battle this scourge. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Greetings from the great state of New Mexico. As you stated in your column, domestic violence can occur in any family at any level of our society. And it must be dealt with by an equally broad spectrum of the population.
You asked the pertinent question, "Why is he using violence?" As was pointed out in a previous letter, violence begets violence. It is a continuing message our society sends to all of its children through television shows and movies that use violence, often murder, as the solution to problems.
Until we can change the vision of violence presented as entertainment to our children, there are shorter-term steps we can take as a community to end domestic violence. In New Mexico (in which 46 percent of all female homicides are the result of domestic violence), our Legislature has taken steps to protect the victims. It passed a bill that makes stalking a crime. The Legislature has also passed laws that prohibit insurance companies from discriminating against women who have been treated for domestic abuse, and that allow women to file for protective orders in the court without paying a fee.
These new laws exist because of the dedicated lobbying efforts of the Violence Against Women Task Force, a group of concerned professionals that I formed to address domestic violence and sexual assault in New Mexico. More important, the laws would not have been possible without the participants who shared their own stories -- many painful to relive -- to make us aware of the shortcomings and gaps in the system.
I hope our experience in New Mexico encourages other communities to unite against a common enemy and take action against domestic violence. -- TOM UDALL, NEW MEXICO ATTORNEY GENERAL
DEAR ATTORNEY GENERAL UDALL: You and the legislators of the great state of New Mexico are to be commended for putting those timely laws in place. Perhaps your letter will inspire lawmakers in other states to consider similar legislation, if they haven't already done so. It might save some lives.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY IRISH FRIENDS: On this St. Patrick's Day, may I extend this old Gaelic blessing:
May those who love us, love us,
And those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if he doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.
Son's Live in Girlfriend Isn't Yet 'Family' to Mom
DEAR ABBY: My son is angry. He demands that I apologize because I said his live-in girlfriend is not really family. This is a girl I would welcome as a daughter-in-law, but unless they marry, I do not consider her one of the family.
They are both divorced and think marriage is just a "cheap license and a few minutes in front of a minister." I disagree. I think marriage is very important. It shows commitment that living together does not.
What do you think, Abby? -- UPSET IN TENNESSEE
DEAR UPSET: I agree with you. The difference between a live-in arrangement and a marriage is the difference between night and day.
Marriage is sanctioned by society and religion in every culture. Living together is not. The right to inherit property, pensions and Social Security benefits applies to spouses -- not live-ins, as many people have learned to their dismay. As next of kin, a spouse can automatically make decisions about medical care should his or her mate become unable to do so.
In some states, living together for a specified number of years constitutes common-law marriage. In those states, it is legal and binding. However, not all states recognize common-law marriage.
If this seems more about law than romance, perhaps that's why another term for "marriage" is "making it LEGAL."
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the letter from Mike Smith, who was concerned that Veterans Day is no longer recognized.
I have taken steps over the last year that have done wonders for my mental health. Whenever I hear myself saying, "Someone should ..." I stop and remember that I am someone, and then I do something about it.
If Mike wants his company to put out a memo commemorating Veterans Day, he could write it. If he's not in a position within his company to do it, I'm certain his boss would be willing to do it if Mike gave him a written example of what he had in mind.
If everyone would take personal responsibility instead of talking about what someone else should do, we would have much stronger and more satisfying communities. -- DEBORAH L. BLAND, ROCKDALE, TEXAS
DEAR DEBORAH: Your letter is a wake-up call to personal activism, and I commend you for it. Doing nothing guarantees failure. Success in anything begins with individuals who are willing to take a first step.
DEAR ABBY: I have an autoimmune disease that is being treated by two very competent doctors. Autoimmune diseases are difficult to treat, and most of them have no known cure.
My husband and I recently joined a new church. We met a wonderful lady there whose friendship we would like to retain. Unfortunately, she sells health products and is convinced she can cure my disease if I will buy the products that she sells. How can I maintain the friendship while tactfully refusing to buy her products?
If you choose to print this, sign me ... PLEASE, NO SALE
DEAR NO SALE: Stiffen your spine and tell the saleswoman, "I appreciate your concern, but I don't want to interfere with what my doctors are trying to accomplish." You owe her no further explanation.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WOMAN PONDERS HER OWN PATH AFTER FIANCE GETS COLD FEET
DEAR ABBY: I'm 22 years old and in college. I had always planned to remain single through my 20s so I could do all the things I wanted to do before I settled down. But seven months ago I met a wonderful 28-year-old man, and after dating each other exclusively for three months, he asked me to marry him.
I was hesitant about giving up single life before I had accomplished all the things I had planned for my 20s, but I loved him so much that I warmed to the idea and said, "Yes." Of course, I shared the good news with our family and friends without delay.
I planned our engagement party and reserved a hall. I was so excited, as were our families and friends. Then last month, he told me he had decided he wasn't ready to get married after all, but he still wants us to date.
Abby, I put so much into the relationship that I feel like I've been the butt of a cruel joke, and I'm hurt and embarrassed to have to tell everyone the wedding is off. While I still "care" for this man, I don't feel the same about him as I did before he called it off. Should I wait and see if this blows over, or dump him now? -- EMBARRASSED IN ELKHART
DEAR EMBARRASSED: Do nothing in haste. Allow yourself a cooling-off period and then see how you feel. Don't fail to consider that there are worse things than being single and independent. One of them is being married to a man who doesn't wholeheartedly want to be married. If he doesn't come around, you can then proceed with all the plans you made for your 20s.
DEAR ABBY: I feel sorry for "Keeping the Peace," who wrote in response to "Charlotte in North Carolina." Both women have mother-in-law problems. I would like to tell you my experience:
Like you, Abby, I love my mother-in-law. She knows that I didn't take her place in her son's eyes, and she never tries to come between us. In fact, my husband is an only child, and she refers to me as her daughter. We have received some strange looks when she introduces me as her daughter and then as her son's wife! To my mother-in-law's credit, even though she wants a grandchild badly and her son and I have been married five years, she is not pushing us.
My parents and my husband's parents get along so well that the six of us often do things together. It's not unusual for us to spend birthdays together, and no one has a problem sharing holidays.
I consider myself lucky, and I want others to know that not everyone has in-law problems. -- HAPPY IN-LAWS IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR ABBY: Of course they don't. However, the vast majority of the people who write to me do it to unload their problems, not count their blessings. I'm printing your letter for all to see that in-law relationships don't have to be adversarial -- and in fact, are often loving and supportive.
DEAR ABBY: Like many others, I never pictured myself writing to you. However, recently I read the letters from women complaining about their husbands. Their complaints ranged from the left-up toilet seats to toothpaste caps to kissing with their eyes open.
I have finally reached my limit. My husband died unexpectedly in May of 1997. Our third child was born a month later. I am 37 and our other two children are 7 and 4. Abby, I would gladly overlook a left-up toilet seat and cap the toothpaste tube every day for the rest of my life to have my husband here. I would kiss him with eyes closed, open, or standing on my head if I could.
To all you women with your petty complaints, I say, "Get a life, get a grip and get grateful!" And just for the record, my husband did not leave the seat up, he capped the toothpaste, and he was an incredible cook who had dinner on the table when I came home from work. -- GRIEVING IN NEW YORK
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.